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Relapse and trauma

so before i begin i’m just gonna put a trigger warning for
emotional abuse, sexual abuse, rape, self harm, eating disorder

if u know my posts u know i’m bad at intros and i just dive right in. i apologize if this is kinda all over the place. recently, my “best friend” said some very triggering things to me and it ended our friendship. i went off a little bit on them bc i was very triggered and upset by what they had said. i apologized for my choice of words but they gaslit need and told me i was a toxic person for all the things they did to me. i have bpd and abandonment issues as it is, so to lose someone that close to me hit really hard. my therapist was recently promoted and bc of this we can no longer work together. my trauma group ended on tuesday and in about 2 hours i have a phone consultation w a new therapist to see if i’m even eligible to work w her. my snapchat got hacked on sunday and i need the account for some legal stuff but also bc i have a lot of memories i can’t afford to lose, especially rn. there’s a lot on my plate normally, but lately it’s been too much for me to handle. like WAYYY too much. i feel like i can’t talk to my friends bc i don’t want them to think i’m fake or crazy or anything like that bc of lies people have spread about me. i don’t have a safe situation at home. covid made it hard enough to leave my house but now that i feel like i can’t hang out w friends it’s even harder. a couple days ago i had a relapse. i was really overwhelmed by being hacked. the person who hacked me tried to extort money from me so i tried to call the police about it but they didn’t care. i was told it was my fault which is an incredibly triggering thing for me to hear. i lost it and i had a relapse. i cut myself in the shower. today i was triggered very badly and i also realized that i’m probably not gonna be able to leave my house and see friends for a long time. the last time i saw my now ex best friend, they gave me a razor. this is knowing i had just come to terms w being assaulted again and going through things at home. i feel dirty and violated for a lot of reasons rn but i feel worse bc i just cut again. i also struggle w an eating disorder. i’ve been struggling w it since early early childhood. lately it’s been out of control. i can’t eat without having a panic attack. i can’t think about eating without crying. i can’t bring myself to eat. i don’t have a proper diagnosis rn but it was diagnosed as “disordered eating.” i was told this back in september when i was hospitalized for an evaluation that i never got. i did genuinely want help back then. i really did. they told me they would apply me to the eating disorder clinic in their facility for after discharge but they never did. i also don’t qualify for the clinic since they need a proper diagnosis (ie anorexia instead of disordered eating so they can properly place me). i didn’t wnat help anymore after that. i felt really upset about the whole situation. they didn’t give me any diagnoses besides depression and anxiety which isn’t even accurate. the last proper evaluation i had i was 16. i’ve been struggling w these disorders my whole life we just needed to see if i was dealing w something else so i could get proper treatment. the whole reason i agreed to the hospitalization was bc my ptsd from being raped and abused was so intense. they didn’t help at all.

so now i’m here. i’m crying, i’m afraid, i don’t have friends, i don’t have a therapist, i’m not on medication, i’m not eating, i ahve a pain in my stomach that refuses to go away, and i’m not okay. i want everything to be manageable. i know tgat it’s gonna take a long time for thibgs to get better, but i at least want things to be manageable. i want to ahve someone to turn to in these times. i want to have a shoulder to cry on. i want to not be so overwhelmed even if it’s just for a little bit.

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I’m sorry to hear all this is going on for you. It makes so much sense to feel what you’re feeling. Relapse definitely sucks and brings on so much self negativity. If it helps, when I have a relapse I try to think about the period that I did well on and that the relapse is a blip and not who I am. Blood along the way but don’t define you and all the positive work you’ve done. With everything on your shoulders it’s easy to feel weak but it’s important to point out how much strength you have with what you’ve been through and currently dealing with.

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