Relapse happened

HeartSupport Support
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Hey guys, it’s been a long time since I’ve been on the wall. Life has been going amazingly well for me for the past 10 months or so. I hadn’t self harmed or drank or done drugs since getting on depression and anxiety meds, until a few weeks ago. The dark, dreadful feeling started to work it’s way back up. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been working nearly 56 hours every week, or if it’s just time it sprang it’s head up again, I’m not sure. I’ve been running out of steam from work, my thoughts have been turning darker and more depressive, and the constant thought of self harming was in my head for months. I never gave in, until recently. I’ve been drinking and going out with coworkers nearly 5 times a week, getting piss ass drunk. I self harmed a few days ago as well. I don’t want to head down this road again, but I lived my life in this depressive state for so so long, that it feels comfortable being back here.

I don’t really want to leave or work on getting better right now. I’m continuing to drink and I don’t really think I want to stop. I don’t know why this started coming back up, it just decided to show it’s ugly head again, and I’m currently letting it rule over me.

Would love some encourgement and support.

Love you guys with all my heart, Hbus.

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Hey Hannibal - love you! I know that feel, and I’ll see if I can call you this week. Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers, and am here for whatever you need.

  • John
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i know how it feels to relapse back into depression and it’s hard. it can be too easy to give in and just quit but life doesn’t get better when you do that. it get’s worse. it’s okay to fall down for a little bit (lost it all by black veil brides is all about that), even today i realized that i was relapsing a bit into self hate. it’s important to remember that you _have_gotten out of this before. you can do it again. okay, so it might take a lot of Jesus, and a whole lot of work and faith but i believe in you but if you want to get better than you have to set your mind to it and try. i know this sounds really optimistic and no, it’s not as easy as i’m making it sound but that doesn’t mean that you can’t do it. even if it takes a while. it’s worth it. you’re worth it

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Hey you are not alone when it comes to relapsing. Just know that it does not de-value you worth and tomorrow is a new day and a new start. sometimes pain is comfortable to us and i can relate. I hope you can reach-out to people around you and thank you for reaching out to us.

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Much love to you, Hannibal. I’ve been down this road before as well, so first off you are not alone so don’t think you are. Hear for you if you need someone to listen, this feeling will pass with support. Love and good vibes being sent your way from my family to you.

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just want to say you are not alone, i remember my freshman year of highschool i had an issue with self harm, then about year and a half later it happened again. just know no matter what , it will take time to heal just know you are loved and will still be loved through your bumps in the road.

-ashley

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HANNY,

Hey. Love you. Seriously though, just because you fell back into old habits, and relapsed, doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person. You know who wasn’t any less of a person when they fell down? Batman. He got back up and faced off with the Joker! That’s no small feat, let me tell you. You can do anything you put your mind to, and do you know how I can spew that beautiful truth? Because I know you just did it for 10 months. YOU BEAST! YOU COLDBLOODED BEAST WAR! and you know we got you. Never be afraid to be real.
On another serious note, falling back into wanting to be depressed is totally understandable. It’s comfortable because you know how to play the game. What I’d suggest doing is looking inward and finding out what weird crazy void is inside that you are trying to fill, and switch it up. I mean, don’t swap the alcohol with bags of marshmallows or something, then you’d just be gorged with sugar and no one would understand you with like 8 mallows in your mouth.
Okay, enough getting off topic. @Hannibals, you da BESS. I get so much joy hearing from you, and it doens’t matter if you’ve been up or down or diagonal. Just be the best YOU you can be.

HAMMY

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I relapsed after 4 years, then one year, then one year again, (about 2 months ago) and I really feel the question of why do I bother? and the urge to give up. I have to tell myself I am still loved, no matter what. I have to tell myself there’s something to learn from what happened, and in the anxiety attacks I cling to the idea that I have felt better and can/will again.

To be kind of flippant, I try to remember CCCD.
Confident Cocky Careless Dead is my video game mantra for when I am cruising along leveling up and feeling good. It’s true for my regular life if I substitute Relasped as the final state. Sometimes I feel like I should get a tattoo of one or both.

You can always come here. You are always loved here. No qualifiers, just the truth.

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Hold Fast @Hannibals we love you. Here is the video response:

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Nobody who’s ever run a race, or gone on an epic journey, hasnt tripped and falling at some point. Relapse doesnt meant the end of the journey, it just means you stumbled and fell and to quote Alfred Pennyworth “Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again.”

If anyone can do it, you can, because you’re a champion, even if it doesnt always feel like it and if you need a Mick in your corner while you try hard to be Rocky, we got you.

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HannibalsDinnerplate, I am so proud of you for posting. It takes guts to come here and post about what you did. Honestly reading this is like watching myself in the past and there is nothing I can do and you are a good friend of mine which makes this vary hard on me. After a very bad experience with drugs I said I would never use again. I started getting very depressed and started heavily drinking because my thinking drinking is legal so it’s not a bad thing. In June I went to a bachelor party and I got high. I said it was the last time I just wanted one more time before I said goodbye to that drug for good. Two weeks later at the wedding something sets me off so I said I’m drinking till in my head it’s okay to use. I got high again but this time I was in a dark place I asked God why he let me survive all my previous attempts and begged for him not to let me wake up this time. I did way too much my heart was beating out of my chest I prayed this was it. I did wake up sick as shit but grateful to be alive. I saw it was your birthday and it took me a while to even get the energy to say happy birthday. I said that’s it I’m done for good and followed your lead.
Do I see you going down the same path? Yes and I’m terrified. I can’t force you to do anything I can only give suggestions and it’s up to you what you do with them. Recovery will not work if you are not willing and ready. I don’t have the answers but together we can find a solution. You have to surround yourself with people who are not using that means not going out with that group of people after work. Start going to meetings, I know there are not many meetings you can go to because of work and there are not many morning meetings in your area but look into AA it’s still recovery. I am willing to make the drive to get you to a meeting on a Saturday or Sunday as long as I’m not working. We will get you that white key tag , the orange, green, red, blue and so on. Get yourself a sponsor I know what’s going on with your old/current on. Start writing on the steps again, start a graduate list. I know where you are at feels comfortable I have been there a long time too but nothing is ever gained in your comfort zone. Recovery takes a lot of energy and I know work uses most of it up but I believe in you. Don’t give up, you are so worth it. You have been such an inspiration to me and helped me so much. Seeing how much you have grown and overcome is what gives me the drive to continue to better myself. You are so worth fighting for I’ll never give up on you. Hold fast we believe in you.

-Evan

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I really wish I lived closer to you because I would just come over, cook you some amazing chicken alfredo and just talk with you. Whenever I’m in similar situations I don’t want anyone to give me advise or tell me it’s going to be okay, I just want to let go and be honest and talk and have someone listen. So I’m going to do that the best way I can over the internet. My messenger is always open and you can always text me too. (Just ask in a private chat cause you know it’s probably a bad idea to give that over the internet). I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are stronger than your depression. Even when it comes back and drags you into unhealthy behaviors again, every time you wake up you are winning. Don’t isolate yourself friend. Keep posting on here and keep reaching out. You are not alone. Hold Fast.
Love Always,
Cassie

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HDP, friend, we all fall down from time to time. There’s no shame in that. Absolutely none, zero. We’re not machines. I know I don’t need to tell you. You’ve been an amazing part of the HS community. Delivering hope and support for others when they need it. I know that feeling of doing the old patterns. It feels easier than pushing against it. Doing what is best for us can feel like swimming against the current especially when we have long history doing the other behaviors. It’ll get easier. I wish I could say when but it doesn’t work that way. It may take years but one day you’ll wake up and think wow, I haven’t done or thought that way in a long time. It took a long time for the pattern to get set in us. It’ll take time to realign. Keep faith in yourself. We need to fall down occasionally, it’s what really teaches us about our strengths. I know you can do it. If you did 10 months then you know you can do it again.
I want to pass on some stuff too about the meds just so you know about them and don’t get disheartened with yourself. There aren’t any wonder drugs. They will work for a time but, as I’m told often enough by psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, they won’t “correct” things permanently. They give a reprieve to build a new foundation, to develop new skills, so if/when the thoughts do come back you dig into your shiny new utility belt of resources, whether it be thought challenging, or exercise or a group you turn to. I’ll shut up now. Oops, one more thing. You need rest. Seriously. That many work hours will depress anyone. Much love to you. You got this. Challenge accepted.

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@Hannibals

I’m sorry this happened to you. The only thing I can say is that I care about you and love you. Keep moving forward, my friend.

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Hey Hbus,

First I want to tell you that I love you! You’re freaking amazing, and you’re such an encouragement to me, and you are a needed member of this community and you are wanted here, and you are loved, and your life is valued.

Secondly, I want to sat that I am so proud of you, I’m proud of you for having the courage to come to the support wall, and reach out for love and support! Cause oh my goodness friend you are so worth it! We are not disappointed in you, we are not mad, we aren’t any of things. We still love you the same, and we will be here to walk along side you, and love you!

Now I want to touch on some actually topics of the post. You talk about how you were ten months clean, doing well, and then something happened. There was either an event or set of events that lead you back down the path of addiction, and I encourage you to examine that and see what that “thing” was or “things”. You mentioned working 56 hours, and we talked about it on stream some, how even when you were working before you weren’t working that much, so maybe that’s something to think about and maybe not work so much. Now friend I know that this is not easy. I work ALL THE TIME, plus go to school, have my internships etc. But I want you to know that your mental health declining is not worth that extra money you would be making by working more hours. To someone who loves money, and being able to afford things I want, this is tough. But unfortunately I told my job I couldn’t work full time while going to school because it was destroying me.

Dan touched on this some in the VOD, but I encourage you to tell your friends, like hey this isn’t the life I want to live. I don’t want to go out and and drink all the time, it’s not good for me. And hopefully your coworkers will be supportive of that, and if not I’m sorry. But don’t get discouraged, or continue just because your coworkers aren’t supportive. This fits pretty close to what I’m dealing with, with my recovery last night. I used to go smoke, and drink and use with my coworker, and with the help of my hs support group that i have in a discord dm, I gained the strength to just tell him hey I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t want the pills, I don’t want this life.

And honestly he was pissed at first, and I was ready to just continue but I knew I wanted a better life. And I know you know this just as well as I do that recovery isn’t easy, and it’s a daily freaking battle, but we will be here to walk along side you and love you, and support you. I was talking with Nate the other day about this, and we were talking about recovery. And something he said will forever stick with me, and I hope that it gives you hope as well. “Clean days don’t matter, if you don’t have freedom from the addiction in the end.” And it’s so freaking true, desire freedom not days clean. Now this isn’t saying go relapse because days clean don’t matter, but your desire for freedom from the addiction will lead to more days clean. But also remember that relapse is part of recovery.

Something I struggle with in my recovery is knowing that I’m loved, and important, and I deserve love and support in life despite my relapses. And I hope you know and believe that as well, because it’s freaking true! You are freaking loved!

Hbus, I love you so much. And you mean so freaking much to me, and every time I see your name in discord or the streams it just makes me smile! Your life has value, and you’re so important. Your relapse doesn’t define you, and you can and will get through this! If you ever need someone to rant to, don’t be afraid to shoot me a message on discord! Love you so much! <3

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It
Monkey

~p.s~ sorry for the super long response here, but this topic hits my heart close to home, and I just want you to know I love you, and you’re not alone.

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