I’ve given myself time to pray and think before making this post. And reached out to the people who I felt like I should, but after quite awhile of being clean I relapsed last night. But this time it was different. I wasn’t hurting I wasn’t mad or upset or angry, I was curious. I wanted to know if the pain felt the same, and if it calmed me the way it promised to do before.
Usually after I relapse I find myself pissed off, upset, annoyed but once again this time it was different. I just went kind of numb. I was at work, it was easy to hide, and nobody thought anything of it. I guess I’m here now because I’m just upset that I relapsed. I’m upset that I really just did it to experience the pain again. Honestly I’m doing better in my recovery but I don’t know what happened last night. Just feeling kind of dumb and defeated
Your situation, like everyone’s, is unique to you, but I’ve experienced the same kind of thing in regards to falling back into bad habits. If you get in a place where you’re clean, and you don’t feel super tempted to fall back into it, sometimes you get too comfortable and complacent and then it just sort of happens. And then it feels really weird after because you thought you were doing better but you’ve just done it again.
It’s a weird feeling, but it’s really okay to mess up. I would suggest trying to accept it for what it is, and while it’s okay to be upset about it, thinking about it too much can easily make the situation worse and make you more likely to slip again. My suggestion, from experience with similar but different things, is to accept it for what it is and learn from that to try not to get complacent. It’s like a little reminder of a habit that you’ve been successful in breaking, and that you still need to be somewhat actively telling yourself not to.
You’re not dumb; you’re human. And you’re not defeated; you’re strong. Being clean, posting here and seeking help and simply wanting to get better shows that. Keep praying, keep letting God into your life, and try to use this as a reminder to turn to Him and focus on Him more. We all need reminders to do that. This one might hurt more than some others, but you can do this. I believe in you.
Thanks for opening up about this friend. You aren’t alone. Relapse is often times another step on the road towards recovery and, while you did falter, it’s not the end. Keep fighting, and you will beat it. Sometimes the convenience of “Well nobody would really notice except me, so” can really drive us back into some nasty habits; and that’s okay, it’s just the way we’re wired. The enemy will use whatever he can to tell you to relapse, but the good news is you can still overcome it. You’re strong enough, smart enough, and good enough and this relapse experience doesn’t control that. You can do this. We believe in you, hold fast.
@Monkey Don’t beat yourself up. You will get better. I believe in you. You must believe in yourself than this community does and I. Thank you for sharing.
I appreciate all the responses I’m just so frustrated with the way that I’m feeling. I was doing so well and was finally feeling happy again and felt like I was making strides in my recovery and it was all thrown away in a matter of seconds all because I was curious and wanted to know if it felt the same way! I just feel so dumb and defeated. But I’m trying to use this as a learning lesson and use this as motivation to keep going but it’s tough.
Move on. It happened you can’t change it. Don’t live in the past. Quit beating yourself up. Successful people will give the same advice. You desire a future version of yourself free from self harm. So move on. Try not to think about it.