As many of you guys know who’s followed my story I’ve been on the road to recovery for quite some time. And well last night I relapsed on pills. After contact my sponsor and my support group I went to go reach out to two people in my life that mean the world to me. One I told what happened, but the other I just felt this overwhelming feeling of being ashamed. And I felt like I needed to push him away because I didn’t want him to know. But instead I took a step back and continued to watch some church online services and really pray about it.
I’m struggling with the idea that the service that I was listening to and the testimony being shared is what lead me to go relapse. The entire service was about forgiveness but more so talks about forgiving those who have abused us. Or forgiving those who are supposed to love us and just don’t. And man I just lost it.
I guess I’m just feeling discouraged now. God was my safe place but yet I relapsed because of this. I guess I just feel dumb and stupid is all. I don’t know what to do right now. I just feel lost and discouraged
My heart honestly hurts that you’re dealing with this. I think some of the worst feelings we can feel about ourselves towards other people is shame because it’s a downer on ourselves, but we’re not even sure of what other people may feel towards us. It’s a based assumption that someone will feel negatively towards us, so we take that negativity on ourselves so that they don’t have to. But in reality they may not even be upset with you so that negativity is self-inflicted.
In regards to the church services and what you were hearing, don’t feel like God isn’t your safe place anymore. He’s our refuge. As a metaphor, He’s like a castle or a fortress that can’t be broken into. He’s meant to be a safe place, a place of protection. He’s also gonna ask us to do things when it comes to recovery that we may not like. That’s probably what may set someone off, being asked to do something that they believe is impossible or they just don’t want to do because of how difficult it may seem. It’s like step work that you don’t want to do or homework for something that you just really don’t see the point in. But it’s all part of the recovery process. And I think attempting to do these things will help you more so when you have these small roadblocks like relapsing. You can overcome those things by trying some of the Harder things like forgiving someone you don’t think you can. Now you don’t have to right away physically go to them and forgive them, but I think it starts in the heart. It’s not an overnight thing. I get that. I’ve never been abused physically. I have been verbally, so much. But physically is a whole other level, so I know that forgiveness is just so, so difficult. But it’s not impossible. God promises that. And He promises that He’ll be that refuge, He’ll protect you, in the midst of that forgiveness. You can choose to try to forgiveness without forgiving that person to their face right away.
I hope this helps somehow. You know I’ll only ever want to be encouraging and loving and constructive for you. Love you Monkey ️
You’re incredible and it is a huge victory to just admit you relapsed- celebrate the fact that you are asking for help and being honest with yourself!
I am so sorry the service may have led you to relapse. It sucks when the thing we lean heavily on reminds us of the past and can end up leading us back to it. Don’t let that stop you from pursuing Jesus though. Look to the person of Jesus, he consistently surrounded himself with people who the world deemed “unworthy”. So often we feel unworthy of even being in his presence yet he calls us to himself- it’s a crazy beautiful thing we get to be a part of. I believe even now, He is calling you closer than ever. Don’t forget that.
You are an essential part of this community. You are strong and you are so freaking brave to come here and be vulnerable with us. Thank you. It is an honor to read your story.
You’ve got this, @Monkey!
I found myself relapsing again tonight after I didn’t get rid of the pills yesterday. I knew this was going to happen. And I’m so freaking stupid. I hate myself. I hate recovery. I might as well just give up.