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Relationship of 5-Years Ended Today

Kitboga always talks about Heart support. I’m not sure where to go from here.

I’m only 25, but we were together for all of my adult life. We never spent a single night apart since we moved into together a few years ago. We built a whole life together.

Things were rough the past few months, a lot of small arguments and cold shoulders and we both were growing apart. Yesterday she sat me down and we talked about whether we were both happy, we weren’t.

We weren’t the most functional couple and we didn’t share a lot of interests and similarities, but we were always each other’s rock and base. And now that she’s gone, I moved out and let her keep the apartment. I don’t have a rock anymore or stable base. I haven’t any close friends and I feel truly, utterly alone. Nobody to talk to; just me and a couple of therapists.

A lot of advice I’ve gotten is to go out, make friends, join a group activity, whatever it may be. But at the end of the night, I know I’m still going to feel lonely; completely alone.

I’m just not sure where to go from here. Or what to do. Or who I am when I’m on my own. I’m tired of crying.

In the words of Brand New; “Jesus Christ I’m alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead? Because this problems gonna last more than the weekend.”

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Hey, first off, welcome to Heart Support. You came to the right place.

I feel your pain. I got out of a 5 year relationship when I was 24. We hadn’t built a life together, but just like you said, she was the one thing I could depend upon, toxic or not. You’ve lost something steady in your life, doubly so because you’re also living somewhere new. It is natural to feel lost–your whole routine and everything your life has been for the past few years was upended.

People telling you to go out and have a good time are well-intentioned, but that’s not what you need right now. They want you to distract yourself from what’s going on, and maybe eventually trick yourself into feeling comfortable by yourself, but it’s way too soon. You’ve suffered a loss, and they want you to skip over the grieving process. They want you to be happy, and that’s great, but you need to get the poison out before you can get there. Cry, feel emotions, destroy the reminders, do what you need to do to grieve. Do it on your timeline, even if it’s a year or more. You don’t owe it to anyone but yourself to be happy, so don’t let them dictate the terms of your happiness. Keep up your routine the best you can, so for at least part of the day your head is above water. It feels good to keep moving. Lean on friends, family, therapists, and whoever else you need to. You may be surprised how supportive your friends are. I know mine were all relieved that she was gone, and liked the new me better, even when I was still sad.

It gets better. The heartbreak means it was something special. You learned a lot in the last 5 years, both good and bad, and that’s something you can take with you. You know that you can build a life with someone, so you know you can do it again when the time is right. It may feel like you’ll be single forever, but that’s not true. You’ll just be single until the next relationship comes along, all in due time. When the pain dulls, when you’re tired of being sad, go make friends and take up hobbies and all the stuff people are telling you to do, and get to know and love yourself. The fact that you have people who care that much is a blessing in itself.

Take care. Keep us updated. You’re not alone, and this too shall pass.

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Hey bud. Sorry to hear that. I spent almost 5 years with my ex, we recently split a little over a month ago. Honestly it’s the hardest thing I’ve emotionally ever been though. I’ve been through rough breakups before, but this shit hurts REALLY deep. My relationship wasn’t a great one, but doesn’t take away the time and energy we invest into people. Long story, but I completely understand how you feel. I spent a lot of my prime years with her, and it’s feels wasted. We have to feel it, we have to cry. We need to feel it and let it out. Honestly there is no other way around it. You need to find wholesome distractions that help build you and your life. Find hobbies, work out, keep seeing your therapist. Even when you feel absolutely miserable you have to make yourself do it. It’s literally faking it until you make it. Time will help, blah blah blah. But you need to be severely self aware right now and know why you’re feeling what you are, and don’t be self deprecating. We’re all going to get through this shit together. I unfortunately haven’t had a good cry yet, I’m hoping it comes soon cause I need that release. I wish the best for you, but you’ll find better for you. Invest into yourself what you weren’t before. You’ll be a different person in no time.

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