Relationship problem

HeartSupport Support
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I’m in a middle of a situation that I don’t believe I can assess correctly and objectively, hence I just need an authorative, non-biased opinion that I can count on.

I’m currently in the longest and most meaningful relationship with a girl that I have ever had in my life. She provided me with a lot that I was missing in life - sense of purpose, emotional comfort and so on. We have been together for almost 2 years now, however I’m starting to doubt and experience very conflicting thoughts regarding our future.

For a long time, I have perceived her as the person for me. I was loving her for what she is, despite her flaws. I have always been the one to adjust to her preferences and make sure that I design the type of connection that she wants and needs, despite what this costed me. I’m always compromising and although it hurts me that she is not appreciating or seeing that, for me this didn’t matter, since the only thing that I have been concentrated on was achieved - to continue our relationship.

We have experienced a lot of issues, as the dynamic in all of them has always been a raised problem by her side (I can provide examples) that I had to adjust to. With the time, she became more and more malicious and aggressive, being irritated by almost anything and not being able to communicate an issue without yelling, calling names and being disrespectful.

She also started studying abroad, so we have been in a long-distance relationship for awhile now. She often gets in episodes, where she doesn’t talk for days, doesn’t communicate at all and is being incredibly irritated at myself. Moreover, as we have been discussing living together, I start to think that our relationship is not a priority for herself, as much as it’s for me, which hurts a lot.

I sense starting to perceive her as a toxic, egocentric person, which is a notion that upsets me tremendously. I’m a very calm and collected person - I don’t like conflicts and arguments and I constantly do my best to avoid them. At the same time, I’m quite emotional and feeling tension and lack of clarity by her affects me a lot - in the moments she is not communicating or distancing herself, I spend the days overthinking about that and not being able to properly operate, as I now feel that I start to lose respect of myself for almost losing my identity, due to my constant urge and willingness to compromise myself for the relationship’s sake.

Besides, she is hinting at the moment constantly that she wants to stay at the location she is studying at and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Firstly, this gets me the idea that she is not thinking long-term for our relationship and, secondly, she doesn’t value my perspective on the situation.

I’m not trying to blame her for everything, I certainly have my flaws, but - trust me - I have been dedicating my whole life to making sure she is receiving the best relationship that I can provide and develop. My question is whether these situations are normal and makes sense to overcome them or I’m in a toxic loop that it doesn’t make sense to fight for. Apologies for the chaotic message, I know that what I have presented is nowhere near for you to get a proper outlook on the situation, so I would be more than glad to provide additional information, but I just need some help here, since I feel incredibly lost.

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Welcome to heart support, I’m glad you’ve been able to join and I hope that in some of the replies you’ll find some clarity.

It sounds like you’ve really put in a lot of wonderful effort in this relationship and have been open and receptive, and that is such a really great thing to have. The thing is when it becomes a one sided effort, it starts to feel like your needs and wants aren’t met and that the issues that arise are your responsibility to fix or it’s something you have to change in order for it to be better. The danger there lies in

  1. That toxic loop you mentioned where one side has a need for control and isn’t open to hearing you out
  2. Resentment builds leaving you feeling bitter towards her and there comes a fire meets fire scenario of fighting
    Or perhaps 3. You become used to this cycle and start thinking that your role and worth in the relationship is to be submissive and please the other person.

It would be so ideal if she were open to taking the time to sit and listen to how you are feeling and start to be able to recognise the times when she either becomes aggressive or hasn’t been open to compromise.
Those are things that can take time and sometimes even need professional insight with.

Not to say it’s not impossible, but it does mean that there would need to be a lot of work put into it and it would require her to start looking beyond herself and outward to the greater relationship and it’s potential.

Unfortunately it does take some people a committed effort to break the habitual urge to want to go to that place of hurling names and almost having a tantrum like response. Some of it is growing and maturity and some of it is a conscious decision. A recognition that responding to people in that manner isn’t beneficial. Because at some point they will encounter people who are not going to accept that behaviour and won’t be willing to back down.

Of course it hurts when people shine light to those areas in us that need to change. It never feels good when someone says “do you realise you say and do *this during these occasions or when we talk about this situation?”. It can to them feel like an attack and perhaps initially it may cause greater response of anger.

So I guess there needs to be boundaries for your own benefit if it’s something you’re going to want to work on with her.
And boundaries don’t just include not allowing people to talk to you a certain way, they can also include the other side of- you haven’t been communicating with me and it leaves me isolated and unsure in this relationship.

Sorry this was such a long reply and hopefully it’s not all just blabber!

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Hi @TheRev1

Welcome to Heartsupport, its good to meet you I’m Lisa

I can see why you would be writing and wondering what is happening in this relationship that started so well and has provided you with so much. One of the first things that come to mind when I read a post like this if im honest is that the person writing it already knows how they feel, the moves they need to make in order to be happy or remain happy its just that they want someone else to tell them because its so darn hard and they fear looking back and thinking they have made a mistake.
What does your gut tell you?
When you look at all the time you have compromaised even when its made you miserable and you have felt unappriciated how does that make you feel?
When you are being treated aggressively, being yelled at, being called names and being disrespected, how does that make you feel?

This is how you feel right?
This is not a healthy way to feel in a relationship, no one should feel like this. I have no doubt that there are other sides to this, no one is perfect but ultimately what ever is said and done its how you feel that matters and its pretty clear that you are not happy,
So the studying away could work for you in one of two ways, it could be a way to find out if you miss one another and I mean both miss one another which would mean it could be worth trying to work on and fix the problems or it could be a way out so that you can be free to move on to someone that you can be happier with. Its a very difficult situation. If you do decide to keep trying work needs to be done and changes need to be made and both of you have to want that. You both deserve to be happy, you sound like a really nice person. I wish you all the best, you can post any time you like if you need to talk more. Take care for now Lisa. x

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Hello @ManekiNeko and @Lisalovesfeathers!

Thank you so much for reading my thoughts and responding to them in such a kind, insightful and valuable manner - honestly, this means the world.

I was worried that through what I have shared in my initial post, I wasn’t able to provide context about the intricacies of the complex situation that every relationship ultimately is, but based on your responses, it seems that you perfectly understand the situation that I’m in.

@ManekiNeko, you described very well the thought process that I have in my head and the three negative tendencies of this whole dynamic that I’m experiencing lately. The problem is that we have discussed these issues in an in-depth manner multiple times, however there is little to no progress from her side. I start to think that the problem with this lies deeper than just habits and lack of control of instincts. It seems that, in her core, she is the type of person that is the way she is and there’s no way to change that. Or at least that’s how I feel and I strongly hope that I’m wrong.

At this stage, I perceive her as a natural egocentric that lacks the empathy to consider the feelings of other people that are result of her decisions and feelings. She lacks the objective responsibility to take this into consideration. Don’t get me wrong - in her core, she is a good person and she understands at least some of her flaws, but I don’t think she has the discipline and the mental strength to change them. For a long time, I was committed to help her do that through kindness, adjustments and compromises, I wanted to do that through showcasing my unconditional love, but at this stage I’m wondering whether it’s logical to sacrifice myself in a very damaging for myself process, which is unlikely to lead to positive results.

@Lisalovesfeathers, your words really made me think and self-reflect. I guess you know the answer to these questions as well. I won’t exaggerate one bit if I tell you that this dynamic and behavior made me suffer. And while I suspect what the right objective decision is, I’m not sure I can make it happen. I feel like there’s a chance for her to change. I feel like if I stick long enough and if I’m persistent with my efforts - things can work out. I’m also trying to rationalize the things that she does, not overthink them and try to perceive them calmly, but I don’t know if my assessment is right or I’m subject of lying to myself and deflecting the truth. I truly don’t know what it is. At one point I feel incredibly dramatic, but at another time, I feel like my feelings are completely reasonable.

So, I would ask you the following direct question that I would respect if you don’t want to answer, but - as you’ve mentioned yourself - I just need to hear it from an objective perspective - from what you heard from me, do you believe that I’m in a toxic relationship, do you think it makes sense to fight for it or the best decision would be to let it go and continue?

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I’ll share my experiences with this, as they’ve impacted me a decade later and through multiple relationships.

I was with my first girlfriend for 5 years. We had conflicting views on a lot of things, but I compromised and stood down a lot, as did she. We avoided confrontation for the sake of enjoying each other’s company. One problem is those things don’t go away, and resentment continues to build. The other problem is, as I backed off more and more, she got more toxic because she lost respect for me. I thought I was being caring when I took her back after she cheated on me, or when she said awful things about my family dynamics, or when she insulted me to my face. Toward the end, I told a therapist I wished she’d break up with me. The reasoning behind that statement, which I didn’t want to admit, was I didn’t want to stand up for myself and end it. Her leaving would spare her feelings and make me a martyr. Win-win, right? Finally she left, and I thought it was because I just wasn’t enough for her. Through a couple more serious relationships I tried to give even more of myself, only to get mistreated and dumped on even shorter timelines.

Somewhere along the way, the message sunk in that I need to assert myself. I carried that into my marriage. Reaching resolutions together has been so much healthier than just doing things her way, and working through conflicts has made us stronger. In the last few weeks I’ve realized in therapy that I still have a long way to go. There are little things that worry me, but I let them go and excuse them by saying she’s stressed or they’re painful and I want to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are tricky in committed relationships. There needs to be mutual respect. Relationships shouldn’t be give and take, but give and give, each person feeding the other; however, there are things from sex acts to social activities that partners need to stand firm on. That said, if there are issues that you don’t discuss, those boundaries form walls between you. If you compromise on everything, she’ll knock your boundaries over because she knows she can. If you don’t create healthy conflict to resolve together, you won’t grow together–she’ll grow as you wither.

I’m starting the process of asserting myself over again. It will be uncomfortable, but we have laid the groundwork for it in our marriage. If you start that process, if you tell her you don’t like what she’s doing or how she’s treating you, it will feel unnatural for both of you. I don’t cheer for the end of relationships, but this could be your crucible moment. Iron sharpens iron, while sandstones grind each other into dust. You won’t know the composition of your relationship until you put it tp the test, but one thing I do know is if you don’t, iron will destroy sandstone without a second thought.

That’s not to say match her toxic nature. Be methodical about it. There are ways to be respectfully assertive. I’d recommend trying couple’s counseling for starters. Put it to her like this: “I don’t think this is working as it is now. I think our relationship is worth fighting for. I would like us to see someone who can give us the tools to grow together.” Couple’s counseling makes people cringe, but it doesn’t have to be the last ditch effort to save a relationship, nor should it. My wife and I are starting couple’s counseling to figure ourselves out because we don’t know. No one is born with that knowledge. If the relationship is worth fighting for, pull out all the stops and fight.

I know this is not an easy position to be in. I remember how scared I was at the idea of confronting my girlfriend, and how devastated I was that despite my best “efforts” we still broke up. If I could tell past me anything, it would be that if she felt the relationship wasn’t worth fighting for, at least I’d come away from it with some dignity intact.

I wish you luck, friend. Hold fast :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Again Friend,

Wow, Thank you for the reply and for your openess and honesty, I can hear how you are suffering and it did come across how hard any decision would be to make. Its so frightening not having hindsight isnt it?

I am not going to tell you what you should do, its not my place but I will say that I have been in relationships that have made me feel the way you feel and with hindsight they were toxic, I never ended either of them, I hung on and hung on because 1) I didnt want to be alone and 2) the thought of dumping someone and then looking back and wishing I hadn’t was just too much to bare. I was eventually dumped and I have to say it was the best thing that could have happened. I was free of the stress and the worry esp of the constant fear of how they were feeling, was I doing enough etc etc I knew for darn sure they were not sitting awake at night having those thoughts about me. lol
But this is you, if you can relate to any of that then you know my answer, if not, if you believe that after maybe some time apart things will change baring in mind "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior " then hang on in there and see if thngs get better. Please remember your worth here. People can only ever treat you how you allow them to.
Lisa :green_heart:

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Before responding, I just want to say - @SheetMetalHead and @Lisalovesfeathers - that your responses truly have helped me tremendously. Seeing that other people have gone through the same sort of experiences that I’m currently undertaking and receiving understanding and a valuable perspective on the matter are things that are providing me with incredible comfort, clarity and encouragement, which I very much need right now.

@SheetMetalHead, thank you so much for sharing all of this with me. Honestly. Receiving general advice and opinions on a topic is definitely helpful, but receiving guidance based on actual experience is invaluable. I believe that you and I share a lot of common personal traits and characteristics, as the dynamic that you have mentioned is the exact one that I have in my relationship currently. @Lisalovesfeathers, this goes to you too, since I have the exact thoughts in my head currently that you have both mentioned.

Hence, I would love your perspective on the following. At this stage, I do acknowledge the fact that I’m in a very toxic environment that is not beneficial for me. However - and I will be painfully honest here - I’m absolutely terrified of the idea of losing even the small positives that this relationship has for me. Just to provide you with some context - I have always been struggling to connect with people on a deep emotional level, especially when it comes to women. In my life (keep in mind that I’m almost 30 years old), I have experienced terribly bad times (which the Heart Support community helped me as well, by the way, including dealing with strong depression through my whole life, losing close family members to cancer and much more. It’s very unfortunate that I can’t access my old account, so I can find again the people that helped me back then), which all concluded because of this relationship. Maybe not because my partner, but because of the things that I have extracted from this dynamic and that helped me to achieve a balance. However, I don’t have the trust in myself that I will find another person, who is so suitable to me, in terms of character, interest and so on. I know this sounds stupid and very delusional, but I really think that my concerns are objective. It’s rare to meet people, who match my desired profile and, when I do, I’m not the person to take advantage of these opportunities easily. Besides, I know that a break up would absolutely tear me apart. Not that being in the relationship in its current state is better, but still. I’m just very pessimistic that I will find something better than what I have at the moment.

Besides, I spoke to my girlfriend last night as well. She was incredibly apathetic (she is definitely very burnt out, as she endured A LOT in the past few months) and was saying how she believes I will be better off without her and that she can’t understand how I stand her at the moment. She started saying that she is in a moment, where she knows that she is being toxic and unhealthy, but that she is in void that can’t escape currently. She even said that she would like to not communicate with me for awhile, since she feels guilty for not treating me right while she is in this situation. We had plans from a few months ago for me to visit her in the end of the month, which I said that I don’t want to happen if she doesn’t truly want it. She gave reasons why this would be a good idea and she is not against it, that we had made plans that it would be stupid to not fulfill, but do you think I was right to think that it was quite indicative that she didn’t at any point clearly stated that she truly wants that? She is not even responding to my "love you"s and didn’t even respond to me, when noting our anniversary (1 year and 11 months today).

I’m just incredibly conflicted. I know that if we meet things might get better (the really good aspect of our dynamic is that, whenever we meet and spend time together, everything else goes away), but I’m starting to think that this is just sand in the eyes that won’t actually resolve the issues we have here, so I’m trying to figure out whether I should visit her (I’m definitely afraid that things might go wrong and we would find ourselves in a very, very toxic situation) and hope for the best or if this wouldn’t make sense at this stage. Please, feel free to let me know your thoughts on this.

By the way, I just want to say that I’m saving your responses. I have been re-reading them and I can’t explain how much all of your words help, honestly. Thank you all.

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It is certainly hard to have the thought that you could potentially lose your chance at being in a relationship if you were to call it off. It probably doesn’t help that you’re being worn down and maybe it’s affecting how you feel about yourself and the potential you have for being someone that someone else would want to be with. I’m sorry if that isn’t correct, I don’t mean to say that is exactly how you are feeling.

From reading your last post, I can’t help but have that feeling of wanting better for you. It’s easy to look from the outside and say “wouldn’t it be better to be happy alone than be in a toxic relationship?!”, because let’s face it, I know a few people here have probably been in a place where it’s hard to break from a toxic relationship. Whether it’s family, friends or romantic.

There’s that small voice that tries to justify everything that takes place. Those thoughts like “once we are together it’ll get better”. My concern would be that it in fact amplified or she would then start to lash out physically. In most cases of domestic physical abuse the patterns of emotional and mental abuse have already been present

Right now in this relationship it looks like you are being treated as merely tolerable instead of exquisite, radiant, unique

If I’m being completely honest, if you were living with her and this was happening, my question would be- what’s the escape plan?
Ask yourself- When I’m around this person do I feel anxious, sick, explosive, frightened, nervous, abandoned, or lonely?

I read a thing that people did an experiment on plants. They had two identical ones that were kept in identical environments and given the exact water, soil, sunlight ect. But for 30 days people were allowed to say some positive things to one plant and to the other day cruel things. At the end of the experiment they found the one that had been spoken to in a cruel way wasn’t thriving like the other one.
The constant wear down of words have just as much impact to our bodies and minds. It starts to make us question our worth, our confidence, our value.

Another thing to think about could be that if she’s saying she’s aware of the behaviour, what steps is she going to make to change that? It can be one thing to say “sorry I’ve been a bit irritable lately, I guess I’m experiencing burn out” and another to be constantly belittling someone and say the same line.

My hope for you is that above any relationship you uphold your value.
Until my partner came along I didn’t know that was possible. I thought it was a constant of having to self sacrifice and appease the other person to make it work.
This person tells me when I’ve hurt him and I’ve been able to tell him that.
He makes compromises and when he or I need alone time, that’s okay because we communicate that is what we need. And likewise, if one of us is feeling uncertain we can say “hey, I miss you a bit right now, is it okay if we spend time together?”. Sometimes that even looks like me reading and him on his laptop. It’s safety. I have no doubt of his love for me nor him of my love for him.

You deserve to be shown the same amount of love and respect.

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Thank you for your kind words and your reply. I wish I could see into the future on your behalf and let you know what decision is the best, clearly not going to happen. I can feel your struggle so much and its such a awful nauseous feeling, staying somewhere where you know things may or may not ever improve or making a decision which may or may not be the right one and hoping amoungst hope that someone else will make that decision for you and you not feel any bad feelings due to that decision being made. Oh if life were that simple!
I am so sorry you have had such bad times, it sounds like you have really been put through the ringer and it makes even more sense why this decision is so difficult however it also brings up reasons to look at it both ways again. I am glad you spoke to your gf lastnight. Can i ask, knowing her, do you feel like she is genuinely struggling, has too much going on and doesnt want to overload you so is keeping you a little at arms length or do you think this is her way of trying to end your relationship without actually saying it, just pushing you away in the hope you will go? Are you both having the same conflict?

You have explained more about your life and I am so glad that the lovely people here were able to help you before btw and I want to reassure you that being almost 30 is the prime of your life not a time to worry about being left on a shelf. Its easy yet hard these days to connect with people these days, it takes 2 seconds online I to talk to someone but getting out and meeting with them is more worrying and difficult and especially if you have already decided they probably wont be right, thing in the chances are they probably wont completely meet it and you wont meet theres but thats where you learn about new things that you didnt know you wanted or didnt want in a person and if you can build up your confidence by perhaps you might actually really enjoy it.

I know at the moment all of this is overwhelming and so much to think about and if you really want my opinion I think a good start would be to spend that time together that you planned, try to really talk and find out exactly where you both are, be honest with eachother even if it hurts. Feeling like this is unpleasant and unfair and you both have lives to lead and you deserve to be happy. I do hope that is some help, I have gone on a bit. lol x

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I was a lot like you. I knew my relationship was toxic, but I was also absolutely terrified of losing the relationship, both for its sake and for the sake of the positive things. Even now, I can acknowledge that it wasn’t all bad, and there were some really good things. I thought we were compatible in our thought patterns, intellect, sense of humor…in short, we had compatible relational styles. I was afraid of losing that. She was my first real relationship. Other than a couple summer flings in high school, I had only kissed a couple girls. For that reason, I thought there was something wrong with me that she could see past, and if I lost her I’d go back to being an undateable loser. She was also really attractive, so I thought that not only would I go back to being an undateable loser, but there was no way I’d be with someone that attractive again. The big thing though, was she had become a constant in my life, something/someone I could rely on at a time where things were spinning out of control. I was having a crisis over being miserable in school and facing the prospect of dropping out, I was working 2 jobs, my brother was in rehab, on and on and on. The relationship was there though, and I didn’t know what would be steady if that was lost.

When she finally left for good, I was devastated. It felt like something had been ripped away from me, and in a sense it had. My stable person for 5 years, the one thing I could count on. What was worse was the sense that it was because of my personal failings. It was confirmation that after 5 years I was undateable. Never mind that we had pretty well realized we weren’t marriage material, I still suffered a loss. I went through a grieving process. I might have told you it was a year and a half, but really it ended when I entered my next toxic relationship, which begs the question: did it end at all?

She changed me. She left her mark on me. It was brutal, but something that significant will inevitably change you. What didn’t change me were the few girls I went out with for a couple weeks, because there was nothing important there.

In 6 days, I’ll have been married to my wife for 4 years. Our meet-cute was that the first date was awkward and cringey and not particularly great. Her sisters had to talk her into a second date, and I for my part wouldn’t have been crushed if there was no second date. My wife was not my “type” at all. Instead of sharp-tongued wit, she was sweet. Instead of skinny, she was curvy. Instead of increasing the energy in the room wherever she went, she was more reserved. If I hadn’t met her when I did, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with her, and she said the same about me, but we knew within a couple weeks that we had something special, something different. Six years after meeting each other, we believe we are perfect for each other. That’s not the same as perfect–we have our struggles, but we work through our conflicts instead of avoiding them. We make the effort instead of wanting it to be easy, because we believe what we have is worth working for. I can’t imagine a life where I had married any of my exes, except to think I’d have been through bitter divorces and started at square one with that much more scarring.

All that to say: if your relationship ends, you will feel like something has been torn from you, because it has. You will feel lost and adrift without the stability you’ve come to rely on. You will long for stability in the arms of another woman, try to recreate what you had with someone similar because there’s comfort in familiarity, and probably repeat the pattern. You will feel hopeless and think you’re doomed to a life of short, toxic relationships. All of that, until you meet the right woman. Some day you will go on your last first date, and all the shit you went through to get to that point will no longer matter.

I like imagery, so picture this: You’re impaled on a branch in a rushing river. On the one hand, if you pull yourself off the branch, it will hurt like crazy, you’ll bleed, and you’ll be swept down river to who knows where. On the other hand, if you stay, you’ll know you’re safe, and you can manage the pain of the branch, but you’ll be stuck. Your wound will get infected, and the river will keep passing you by until you freeze or starve. Letting go, you can be sure that eventually you’ll land somewhere safe, or maybe even wind up in the ocean on rolling waves (contentedly single), but you’ll have no idea when, or how rough the river will be in the meantime.

My pastor once said something that has always stuck with me: “When you’re in a valley, all you see is the valley.” You don’t have a crystal ball to know when your last first date will be, and it will feel like you’ll never meet the right person, until you do. Knowing all this won’t make it easier, but I hope it provides some sense that you are never doomed. It’s a perspective no one bothered to share with me, so I am sharing it with you.

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@ManekiNeko, @Lisalovesfeathers, SheetMetalHead - I want to start my response, once again, with expressing my genuine and sincere gratitude and appreciation with your knowledge, compassion and time. I’m speaking from the bottom of my heart that your responses and input towards my conflict have truly touched and moved me. Witnessing and experiencing your outlook and passion to help me is providing me with levels of comfort and empowerment that I haven’t experience even with my therapist. Thank you so much for giving your energy to me and everyone else that is struggling.

@ManekiNeko, there’s absolutely nothing that you should be sorry about, since you have explained my way of thinking incredibly accurately. All of your words actually inspired me to justify my feelins objectively even more. So far, at any point that I felt like I was deserving more and that I should demand it, the first initial reaction in my mind was to proclaim myself as egoistical. I still feel bad for even putting a focus on my feelings, in all fairness.

And no, while she has been admitting her flaws - in a very two-way, whataboutyou manner - her main flaw to not take responsibility with her actions has been constant. In all fairness, there has been little-to-no effect of this, since that - especially in highly emotional situations - she still refers to her worst practices (calling names, being unreasonable, yelling, insulting and so on). So, yes

Besides, the voice in my head that is trying to rationalize the obvious signs, which you are referring to, is incredibly strong at the moment too and I’m trying to neglect it, but from your message I start to prove to myself more and more that the situation that I’m in is not normal. Not to mention that the fact that you have been through the same sort of dynamic and you have managed to, ultimately, find a person to treat you right and establish meaningful relationship is giving me very strong hope. I also want to say that I feel true happiness for you and enormous respect for experiencing all of this and having the strength to go through it and still being able to open yourself to another person. In all fairness, another aspect that I’m terrified of is that I think that ending this relationship would scar me to a point, where I wouldn’t be able to provide the same sort of devotion and passion to another person. And I really don’t want for this to happen.

@Lisalovesfeathers, your questions are actually very difficult to answer. Do I believe that she is genuinely struggling at the moment and she is trying to show care to me? I think so, yes. However, suggesting that she might be trying to make me leave her sounds more and more reasonable, as I think about it. Mainly because a few factors. I haven’t mentioned this before, as I didn’t want to overwhelm with information (and, maybe, I wanted to subconsciously not expose all of her doings, knowing that you will flag them right away and you will have an argument that I won’t be able to speak against), but she tried to end our relationship two times before, mentioning different reasons. The first time happen when I was in an absolutely slump, which made me to ask for help here in the past, as I referenced before - it was a period, where we had a car accident, a person in my own company, who I have been preparing for a bigger role and trusting unconditionally have betrayed me, leaving incredible damages in my business and reputation, I found out that one of the people that I admire the most - my uncle - is having an affair and I was the only person knowing about that, as well as the cases of experiencing ED in the intimate aspect of my relationship with her. In the pinnacle of this period, she wanted to break up, stating that she doesn’t think it’s good for her to deal with me, currently. A few months after that, she did it again, saying that she doesn’t feel good in our relationship, that she doesn’t feel good enough for me and so on. We broke up and a few days later she contacted me, saying that she wants us to have another chance. A few months ago, she wanted to do that again. The situations, where she would easily offer this solution increased, being lead to what I would categorize as insignificant conflicts. Why I’m sharing all of that is because overseeing all of this in retrospect, it does seem as she wants to push me away. Especially, since in her recent, distanced period, as I have mentioned, she is not showcasing any sort of affection, whether it’s responding to my love you’s or anything else.

And yes, I’m really absolutely scared of the fact that I might need to go back from the start. Finding another person, getting to know them… Honestly, it’s terrorizing me. Not to mention the dark places that I was in before meeting her and that I know I will have to face again if I don’t have her next to me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

SheetMetalHead, it’s difficult to explain how much I relate to your story and words. It truly is. It seems that you have also been through the exact same dynamic. The honesty in your words is shocking and scaring me even more, but it also proves that going through this process is the only right option at this stage. Thank you so much for your words, honestly.

I’m still in the dynamic, where I change my opinions on the matter constantly. At some point I’m ready to have this difficult conversation right away, after that I’m certain that I might be over dramatic and overthinking and I might need to just be more relaxed about it. I’m thinking about giving myself a few days before proceeding further with any of this (I should travel to her on 25th, so I’m yet to tell her whether I will go or not).

So, all in all, I want to ask you all - do you believe it makes sense to give myself some time and consider the situation further (although, as you can assume, this is unspeakably unpleasant process and might be caused by my conscious avoiding the problem and trying to find arguments to not do what objectively might be the right decision) or I should have this difficult talk as soon as possible and get it out of the way (as I sort of don’t want to overwhelm her with this during her difficult period as well).

Thank you all again, honestly. You don’t know how much you are helping me.

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We broke up and it’s absolutely devastating. I feel crushed and it’s unbearable.

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If I could give you a hug through here, I would :people_hugging:

This is one of my favorite videos about giving yourself grace in a breakup. Your timeline will be longer than 3 minutes, but take your time and be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with your feelings through this. They will suck, but it will get better. In the meantime, don’t hesitate to reach out here. We heal in community :hrtlegolove:

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Friend, I am so sorry that your relationship has come to an end, I wish things could have been different but both parties have to want it and from what you have said so eloquently in other posts, you seemed to want it so much more than she did and as much as this hurts and as dreadful as this feels right now, you do deserve to be with someone who will love you as much as you love them and want to be with you as much as you want to be with them. It doesnt mean you have had a bad relationship, I guess people just grow apart but we learn so much from all of that. I too wish I could give you the biggest of hugs right now because honestly very little I can say is going to make you feel better. The one thing I will advise you to do though from my own experience is to get out, not out partying but just out to a friends or a family member, do something you normally enjoy doing even if that sounds like the worst idea. It will get you out of your home and head for a few hours and that my friend does wonders. I always go to my mums, thats my go to place when im hurt. Please try not to sit around and dwell on things, I honestly do understand how hard it is not to do that. If you need to talk you know where we are. Anytime. You really are a strong, resiliant person and you will get through this. Much Love Lisa. x

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Thank you both, from the bottom of my heart and I really mean it.

Right now, as I mentioned, the experience is overwhelmingly unbearable. I think about her, I miss her, I see her and our memories everywhere. I literally can’t do anything, because everything reminds me of her. I feel such a terrifying concoction of regret, sorrow, remorse and penitence, alongside the massive denial of accepting that I won’t have her or our dynamic anymore and that it’s all done. I just can’t let it go, I can’t even overcome our last conversation yet. And I know that’s normal and it’s all for the best, but Jesus, I was hoping that it wouldn’t be that bad, it’s just hear-wrenching. Thankfully, I have very supportive friends that are helping me through this, alongside you, but even when I’m with them the feelings are so strong and I dread and fear the time when I’m alone. I literally can’t handle it at the moment. I’m sure you know what I mean and I don’t want to overreact, but I feel so hopeless, lonely and defeated right now. I don’t know how much time it would take for this to get better, but I hope it’s not a lot, because I’m not sure I and my body will be able to handle this in the long-term.

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You are absolutely not overreacting.

Remember: it’s like you pulled yourself off an impaled tree limb in a rushing river. That shit HURTS! Now you’ve got a gaping wound that’s bleeding, and you’re getting swept along on the river, seemingly out of control. It’s scary, you don’t know what part of your well-being to prioritize first, and you don’t know when it’s going to end. Right now, in the coming weeks, it’s important just to survive.

Keep your head above water by continuing your routine the best you can. Keep on working, keep seeing your friends, keep moving. Those kicks and strokes, feeble as they may feel, will keep you from falling entirely into your pain and drowning. Reach out to lifelines wherever you find them–us, therapists, mentors, etc. It will take a lot of effort to reach out, and you may not be able to climb out or even hang on for long, but they will slow your course downriver so you can get a little more steady.

Eventually the searing pain in your wound will subside to a dull ache, still very painful but not blinding and disorienting. Eventually you’ll find a rhythm in the river and start swimming. It may not be fast or graceful, but it will be a step toward stability and control. The timeline for all this is different for everyone, but I’d say in a few weeks the world will start to make sense again, and you can start to work on constructive grieving and healing.

Don’t self-medicate nonstop. Grief needs to be processed. Suppressing it only delays the reckoning, and I can tell you firsthand that you do NOT want your grief manifesting years later, after you’ve rebuilt your life around it.

In the meantime, don’t be ashamed to feel your feelings. Don’t believe the voices in your head saying you’re overreacting and need to get over it. Those voices are toxic, and again they’ll lead you to suppress your grief. I cannot overstate that a life built around grief will fall apart eventually, in unexpected and very inconvenient ways.

It sucks now, but it will get better eventually. Don’t worry about when, just know that what you’re feeling now won’t last forever :hrtlegolove:

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Just wanted to stop by and let you know you are being thought of, I send you strength, care and support. You’ve got this, you really have. x

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A few days has passed and I really thought I was making progress. I started enjoying the company of my friends again, I had moments that made me feel optimistic about the future and I started to not associate everything with her.

But it really hit me like a train today. It came out of nowehere. I experience such an unspeakable and devastating sadness at the moment. I miss her so much and I would kill to hear her voice again and talk to her. I know this is not real and it’s like abstinence, but God, it’s overwhelming. I feel on the edge to message her and I know this is such a terrible idea, but I feel so lost and lonely right now. Honestly, I feel hopeless not being sure how much my brain and body can continue with processing these emotions.

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I have just noticed that she is currently back in the country too. This triggered a lot. Including thoughts that I was certain and I was hoping that would never come to my head again. It’s all too overwhelming. I feel tired and exhausted of all of this, at this stage. I just can’t deal with it all anymore.

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We want our recovery to be linear, but it won’t be. It will be hilly. There will be unexpected bouts of sadness that make you question everything. I can’t say anything that will make them go away, but I want to reiterate that they are normal and there is nothing wrong with you or your resolve in this. Same with noticing she’s back in the country, or more broadly being curious about her life and if she’s as devastated as you are. As that goes, I’d encourage you not to dwell on it. You’ll drive yourself insane trying to imagine her. One of the best things you can do is block her on all social media, but I know that is a humongous step that you might not be ready for just yet.

If you wind up messaging her because you can’t stand not to, know it’s not the end of the world. It may serve to provide more closure and a softer landing, as you break past the idea of the woman you’re missing and face the reality of the woman you broke up with. Those are two very different women. I wouldn’t encourage you to message her, but if you do, you haven’t failed. It’s not fair to call yourself weak right now. You’ve suffered a devastating loss, one made worse because 1. you chose it and 2. she is still out there. Give yourself grace for now, because being (read: acting) “strong” will destroy you.

I want to applaud you for having a good time with your friends though! That’s huge! I’m glad they’re there for you, I’m glad you’re allowing yourself to have fun with them, and I’m really glad that you’re having moments of optimism! I know I didn’t have any of that until much further after my breakups. Those are the things that will begin your healing. I’m proud of you for allowing them!

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