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Remmembering trauma big tw for suicide

it happend when i was about 8 to 10 years old im 13 now it started off just one night i had a lot of internet access as a kid i knew about things i definitely shouldn’t have known.one night i was thinking in my bed t my dads house about how nuse worked like what it felt like and what it would look like and what i would do and what happend to your body.and it just shook me that was all it took to send me into this spiral i freaked myself out and i went downstairs to my dad reluctantly i haven’t had a good relationship with him and we weren’t close and i told him that i was thinking about it while i was stuttering and crying.he always got mad whenever i couldn’t get out what i needed to say so i didn’t get help i got rejection i was just a annoying kid who was crying about nothing.i couldn’t stop thinking about why i was thinking like that it consumed everything and i started to think about stuff like that in different scenarios.i had a very imaginative head but this took over my life i started telling my mom about these thoughts that’s what i called them thoughts she and i where always close i loved her with everything in me and i still do.she was obviously freaked out by this because i have had these thoughts a time before it was nothing it was the first day of school and my teacher got mad at me and put my clip with my name on it on red witch ment i did bad today i was in like 1st grade i was so embarrassed and when my mom picked me up that day i told her all upset and i said “i wish i could just die” so i had been to a therapist before that was the first time i did i barely remember it my mom overreacted then but i knew she was upset.and she was upset that i was having more of these thoughts i went to a therapist i will call her diane for now diana was a art therapist for kids she was young and very new to therapy and she didn’t really think of my thoughts of bad.but she listened to me but she never gave me anything better than its okay i know its hard and what was a 9 year old supposed to do with that and so this went on.i couldn’t go to parties one time i went to a halloween party with a bunch of people and big crowds always scared me especially with people i didn’t know my sister went there to she is 3 years older than me so she was like 11 or 12.she new i had these thought but she was young so she couldn’t help she didn’t know how.there was a wire hanging from a tree and it looked like a nuse to my brain and it made me so upset because i didn’t want to die i was terrified of the idea it scared em that i was considering these thoughts.my dad sat me down in a room and got angry because he didn’t understand he was worried about me but he couldn’t help he never knew how to help me so i felt very alone for a long long time.this went on for years painful and sick i tried to hold on my mom was so tired she couldn’t say anything else than its okay your not doing that though your not killing yourself.anyone would get tired of that she couldn’t help me and she had to leave me with my dad for half the week while i cried and begged her not to let me go because i didn’t want to leave her she was the only one i felt safe with.but that changed at the end of this time she became cold and detached from me i was so alone i had nobody that wanted to deal with my made up ideas.how was i supposed to handle that so sooner or later it went away my mom became closer to me again and my dad didn’t get angry at me anymore and it was fine i forgot about it alot of other stuff happend through those couple of years so if this gets some attention i will post updates

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fynn,

Geez – it’s wild to think that from such a young age your mind was gripped by these thoughts focusing on death. It feels like before you’ve even had a chance to live they’ve grabbed a hold of you, and it feels like they haunt you at the worst moments.

You try to communicate about those things – which is insanely brave, especially when you know that your dad can’t handle your feelings or respond well to your emotions – and it feels like there’s no one out there who understands or can help you at all…it feels like the more you talk about these things the lonelier you get.

And it feels like you’re trying desperately to hold onto the sources of support and love – especially from your mom, and maybe even from your therapist – but it feels like at most points you feel like a burden to them, like at some point they’re going to abandon you too.

So it feels like at the end of the day, you have to fight these thoughts alone, and you feel so small and so weak compared to the overwhelming surge and power of those negative thoughts. It feels so scary – you don’t want it, but it feels like it attacks you when you’re already weak.

Honestly, it feels like you’re trying so hard to be brave. You’re fighting to communicate these feelings. You’re being brave when it counts. And even though it feels like those thoughts are overpowering you, it’s actually YOU who is overpowering THEM. Because you are not only fighting to not act on them, but you are fighting to share them. You are so brave. I am insanely proud of you. Life has not been easy for you, yet you have chosen to keep going. You are stronger than you might realize, and you are doing way better than you might feel. Good work, fynn. Thank you for sharing here.

-Nate

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