No problem about the delay! And there’s no pressure to respond; if you want to talk about your struggles, I’m here.
Things like “feel” (in terms of emotion), “good”, and “bad”. They just remind me about how awful we are and how we are fundamentally slowed by emotion.
at some point [Aaron] was just a constant spike ball of emotion and rage, lashing out and just being toxic. So I learned. I learned to not have any emotion myself
Ahh this makes so much more sense now! Thank you so much for sharing. You and I have taken two different roads to get to emotionless, but we both got there nonetheless.
This is very ironic but in the D&D group…Now I’m more emotional than I have been in a while; I cried the first time in probably around 10 years for something that wasn’t major physical pain.
Thanks for sharing the story about the D&D game! I’ve never played it, but I want to. I just feel I’d be so bad at it Wow the development of that story too; this sounds like such a meaningful, impactful experience.
I’m so glad you’ve let yourself feel! I went up to Canada to do talk at an event. One of the things I explained in that talk was that I could easily count the number of times I shed a tear between the ages of 10 and 25 on one hand, and the number of times I got visibly angry on the other. I can definitely relate. However, I’m so much more passionate about life and feel so much more motivation and purpose in life now that I’ve decided my emotions are something I want in my life and not something I want to hide & suppress. I found a way to understand and express my feelings healthily, in tandem with my rationality, to not see them as contradictory, and I feel I’ve matured and become so much more alive now.
Everything I did was just wrong and they had to show me the right way…At school we’re taught that there’s only one right way…You’re wrong unless you do everything your told.
Makes it easier to control people and get them to contribute to our economy, doesn’t it? I’m sorry to keep saying I relate so much, but I really do. I have dreams very often about flying, and I’ve learned to interpret the flying person as my true self, my “id”, my emotional self. It’s me if I let myself be free and stop conforming and being so cautious about doing what’s right in other’s eyes. I’m flying more every day. It’s taken so much work, I’ve cried so much in the last year as I broke through block after block, but it’s definitely been worth it. I’m actually on a year long sabbatical right now from work because I looked ahead and saw I was headed down a path that everyone else seemed happy to go down, and I thought was not right for me. I didn’t care about becoming a senior engineer. I didn’t care about having a family and kids. It wasn’t the life I wanted, I wanted something different, I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it wasn’t that and I had to go “find myself” as cliche as that sounds. I also have become so keen on trying to do what’s “right”, perhaps for different reasons, but I became sick of it and I’m giving myself more and more permission to be who I want to be every day. One thing it takes is someone who believes in you, we really do need support and love, love frees us from anxiety. I am glad to try to help give you some of that much needed support!
At some point though, he started to be really toxic towards me. Everything I did was wrong, every thing was blamed on me, I was his scapegoat.
Ughhh I’m so sorry to hear about this dude. Your one friend who you were so close to turns out to be so toxic for you. Have you worked through some of this pain and rejection? There’s a lot here that I think is likely to have emotionally wounded you. Just allowing yourself to cry through it can be so healing. Making sense of it, seeing how it wasn’t your fault and how he was probably going through some shitty stuff himself… Did you ever figure out what was going on with him to make him turn so hurtful all the sudden?
I’m going to say something that you may reject, but it’s just what I’ve found to be true from my little bubble of experience: the people who tend to be the least caring about “whose right and whose wrong”, the people who tend to accept you most for who you are, are the emotional/spiritual types. At least in my experience, they’re the ones who tend to be like, “do whatever floats your boat,” not “you gotta do x y and z cuz otherwise YOU’RE WRONG”. It’s the rational types that believe so much in right/wrong (almost all of my friends, we were all into philosophy and I’ve struggled to become more emotional, as I’ve shared). The one’s I’m talking about don’t give a hoot about right/wrong… they care about being true to yourself and loving others. Often they think “you have your truth and I have mine”, which is a little extreme for me, but it’s actually wise in a lot of ways (“6 blind men and the elephant”, for example). I know you’ve had one intensely different experience than what I’m saying, but this is just what I’ve seen from the people I’ve been meeting. Your environment has shoved so many beliefs onto you, what about this belief that you have to be right or else you’re wrong? That’s such a heavy one that seems to be weighing you down. There’s actually a lot of good, rational arguments to break yourself out of this way of living.
Regarding trans/gender: Ahh I’m sorry you didn’t get much out of that article, it was a long shot! Other than what others have told me, I really don’t know much about this and I wish I could be more helpful. You said you haven’t told anyone about your thoughts on this yet. When you say you haven’t told anyone, do you mean no one IRL? Or no one online either? Anyway, I’m so glad you’re discussing it here! Thank you for sharing more about what it is that makes you anxious. You probably know about this kinda stuff, but I found this forum online for trans people, and I thought it might be a really good way for you to anonymously explore some of your anxiety and questions around the area: https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/