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Repeated the pattern to the point of no return

34 y/o male, employed here.
Drinking all adult life, steadily increased dosage to up to 3 bottles of wine and 10 beer a day.
Got hooked on Lorazepam (Benzo) in 2012, increased dosage to up to 20mg/a day.
Been in therapy for depression and dependent personality disorder multiple times.
Started first detox on September 9th 2019 and got kicked out of rehab on September 23rd 2019 due to wrong lab results.
Did a secondary test but the result was confirmed, so the first result must have been wrong, but no chance to prove that now.
Successfully on cold turkey for benzos up until now, relapsed on alcohol twice.
That is the addiction situation, now to the hard part, the relationship status.

In a relationship with my great love since 2004, bought a house in July 2018, proposed successfully on April 15th 2019 on our 15th anniversary. Trying to have kids unsuccessfully since 2018.
Found out on July 14th 2019 she was sexting with another guy, destroyed her phone.
Bailed her out the next day on her credit card debt. She ran the tab up to over 40k (just to me) over the last few years.
Broke up with her on August 14th 2019 (4th major breakup after 2005/09/13).
Trying to get her back ever since, like I always did. She was the one to drop me off at rehab and the only one visiting somewhat regularly.
Found out on September 17th two days before my birthday while still in rehab she is in bed with the same guy.
Had to find out because she sent updates on our pets twice a day, saw the my suitcase I had with me in rehab on the picture. So this could not have been a current picture. Had to call like 25 times before reluctant confirmation she was with him at the time.
She claims to have never had sex with him to this day because she is still off the pill because of our former plans.
In full panic mode because I was told she was in love with him and they are forming a real emotional connection. This has to be the first guy she did not bang right away after like 12(?) she had during our relationship over the years.

Moved to my parents’ house until October 5th, got into a fistfight with my brother since and totally destroyed the (already badly damaged) relationship to my parents.

Back alone in the house we bought since. Lost 40 pounds since the breakup, unable to get out of bed any more. Threatened suicide to multiple people but getting no more responses from ANYONE because the people have heard it too many times, or I already destroyed the relationships over the years due to my addiction. This would be the 5th (serious) attempt on my life. But making sure this is the final one if I go through with it. I can’t put my self hatred into words but I seriously feel my passing would be celebrated by more people than ones that would be griefed by it.

Rohgue,

Good to hear that your addictions, at least with the Benzo’s, are in check, for now. Cold turkey is impressive.

Obviously I’m most concerned with the Suicidal ideation as I want to make sure you are safe somehow. As someone who’s been through the system multiple times you know how this goes. You go to a crisis bed for 72hrs’ until you feel safe and in that interim it’s hoped that the hospital can help you put together a safety net, somehow, to help you succeed in living.

It sounds like you are quite resilient. You’ve been through a lot. You have a lot to offer this world just by the sheer resiliency that you’ve demonstrated in your thread. Not everyone can make it so far, lessons can be learned.

Even though you feel like you’ve burned all of your bridges, there are still resources out there in the form of crisis response. What is needed now is not validation from those others such as your ex, your family, friends etc. but others in the system - that may have been through the same experience. Others, through crisis response, can directly support you and validate you safely with boundaries, which is ultimately needed.

Call crisis, call 911. Give yourself some more time. There are people out there that love you and support you - if just crisis response. It will take time to rebuild the other relationships once you rebuild YOURSELF. <3

DrD.

Thank you for the kind words DrDyaus. Unfortunately I cannot accept your sound adivce, I already spent 50 sleepless hours on the closed ward on my own demand on September 11th. I won’t return to that hell voluntarily, you would not believe the things I witnessed there… Additionaly I am very concerned I will be kept there indefinitely until I am no longer judged as a menace to myself or others, which is a risk I am not going to take.

Today I am visiting a friend I met in rehab who is also back home and in need of support at the moment. Getting new ink later this afternoon and trying to keep myself and my mind busy in the meantime.