Back to heartsupport

Repost: "I've been putting this off for far too long" @kitboga

From @Trying_to_make_it_work:

image

I’ve been putting this off for far too long now and I need to acknowledge it. I lost my mother 2 months and 11 days ago today and the hole I’m feeling is unbearable. Colours aren’t as bright, the sun is not as warm, and the cold is so much colder. My mother was a beautiful woman and a caring soul. She taught me loyalty, sacrifice and bravery and made me proud to be the person I am today. She was a driving force for me entering the social work field. But since I lost her I’ve also lost my fire and my compassion for the people I work with. I used to fight for them, now I fight with them. I used to empathize but now I find myself judging. I’m afraid that this hole that I have will last forever even though I’m surrounded by family and have a loving wife that couldn’t possibly be more supportive. I’ve lost joy, a purpose, and most importantly my foundation. I know all the tropes: that it’ll get better with time; that I’ll be able to remember her and smile instead of cry…but it’s the first thing I think of in the morning, the last thing I think of at night, and I know that some day it will be the second thing I think of but I have no idea how to find my way there.


Please tag @Trying_to_make_it_work when you respond, so they can see it directly. :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

@Trying_to_make_it_work

You have my deepest condolences, I am sure everything still feels so raw for you right now, especially as your mother was so integral in your character and your career.

It seems to me like you have made a huge step in acknowledging what you are feeling by posting on the wall. I won’t use any of those tropes you mentioned, I understand when things are as raw as they are for you that even the most well-intentioned words can feel somewhat hollow.

There are so many of your words which strike a chord with me and I hope that you can use them to help you get through the next moment and beyond, but perhaps the phrase which stood out to me the most was that your mother made you proud to be the person you are today. I hope that never changes, and I know that when someone can inspire a person with so many wonderful characteristics and to make them feel proud of who they are, that is something they can carry with them through the darkest times.

2 Likes

@Trying_to_make_it_work Hi Friend, I am so terribly sorry for your loss, I cannot even begin to imagine the place that you are living in even though you have described it so vividly it has brought tears to my eyes,

“Colours aren’t as bright, the sun is not as warm, and the cold is so much colder” that line alone is heartbreaking and I would like to say how happy I am for both of you that you had the most incredible Mum and she clearly had the most loving and wonderful daughter, for that you can always be grateful.
But right now you are in a place where you have to grieve and as awful as that is it has to happen and one of the levels of grief is anger and that shows itself in different ways, maybe this is your way. Can I ask if you have thought about grief councelling? I have not had to do that myself but I think its probably a good tool for most people that are in this situation,
It is still very early days my friend please know that we at Heartsupport are here for you whenever you need any support of a chat just drop in.
Sending love your way and be patient and kind to yourself, you have been through so much.
Love Lisa :heart:

2 Likes