I have not thought about self harm in a long time. I haven’t thought about suicide in a while.
Recently I’ve been thinking about hurting myself by cutting. I did it a few years back and it was a relief, almost. Everything is going well for me but I still feel like my time is running out and that I don’t have time to enjoy things.
Suicidal thoughts have been getting increasingly more common. I haven’t had a plan but I’ve been thinking about killing myself more and more. I feel like things won’t get better and I feel like I’m just buying time for nothing.
I haven’t been happy with myself or my life. I feel like I’m a waste of space and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I don’t go to social events, I have one irl friend and that’s it, and I feel like what I want to do for a career might not happen.
All my accomplishments mean nothing. I don’t feel joy for them anymore. They just feel like the next step into other stuff. I finished all my high school work early, yet I felt nothing. I’m just reminded that now I’ll have college work to focus on.
I’m also depressed because I feel like I can’t be loved. I feel ugly. I’m ugly and fat. I haven’t developed a crush in years ever since I broke up with my ex because I fear rejection. No point in having a crush if I’ll just be rejected every time. And I hate the sort of stereotype young love. I don’t want that. I want something meaningful, something where I mean something to someone and they want me. I’ve discussed this before, but i almost toxic traits from a partner. Clingyness, jealousness, and possessiveness. I’m so afraid of not being loved anymore, not being cared for, that if I’m not told that I’m loved or that I matter, I automatically assume I mean nothing to that person and that they don’t care about me anymore.
Whats wrong with me? Am I losing it? I just can’t see any value in myself and I don’t think disappearing would affect people in the long run. I don’t have strong connections with many people, and after a year or two I’d be forgotten.
I’m sorry to those who are familiar with my posts. Things were getting better, now they’re worse. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel helpless and I don’t know if I will be a harm to myself. I haven’t done anything or created a plan, but im unsure of how long it will last before things like that begin to seep into my mind