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Return of self harming thoughts

I have not thought about self harm in a long time. I haven’t thought about suicide in a while.

Recently I’ve been thinking about hurting myself by cutting. I did it a few years back and it was a relief, almost. Everything is going well for me but I still feel like my time is running out and that I don’t have time to enjoy things.

Suicidal thoughts have been getting increasingly more common. I haven’t had a plan but I’ve been thinking about killing myself more and more. I feel like things won’t get better and I feel like I’m just buying time for nothing.

I haven’t been happy with myself or my life. I feel like I’m a waste of space and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I don’t go to social events, I have one irl friend and that’s it, and I feel like what I want to do for a career might not happen.

All my accomplishments mean nothing. I don’t feel joy for them anymore. They just feel like the next step into other stuff. I finished all my high school work early, yet I felt nothing. I’m just reminded that now I’ll have college work to focus on.

I’m also depressed because I feel like I can’t be loved. I feel ugly. I’m ugly and fat. I haven’t developed a crush in years ever since I broke up with my ex because I fear rejection. No point in having a crush if I’ll just be rejected every time. And I hate the sort of stereotype young love. I don’t want that. I want something meaningful, something where I mean something to someone and they want me. I’ve discussed this before, but i almost toxic traits from a partner. Clingyness, jealousness, and possessiveness. I’m so afraid of not being loved anymore, not being cared for, that if I’m not told that I’m loved or that I matter, I automatically assume I mean nothing to that person and that they don’t care about me anymore.

Whats wrong with me? Am I losing it? I just can’t see any value in myself and I don’t think disappearing would affect people in the long run. I don’t have strong connections with many people, and after a year or two I’d be forgotten.

I’m sorry to those who are familiar with my posts. Things were getting better, now they’re worse. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel helpless and I don’t know if I will be a harm to myself. I haven’t done anything or created a plan, but im unsure of how long it will last before things like that begin to seep into my mind

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My heart’s aches with yours’ this morning. I’m glad you put your pain and confusion here where you can get real empathy and, I hope, some comfort and encouragement. No need to wear a mask here~

You have been given life, though by no choice of your own. I believe it’s a gift. I, for one am glad you’re here, living life. Your struggles and confusion wouldn’t be if there was not something of the opposite also to define them. Peace and calm are possible. There is pain in this life’s journey, but, also, there’s joy to be had.

Praying for you as you make your way~

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Hi there dear @HalloweenMaskMaker

I can read so much of the pain in your post that you are going thru. I know you are going through a lot of feelings. Seems like you are coming from a place of overwhelm?

I don’t think you are “losing it” but maybe a bit burnt out and feeling a lack of support?

It’s perfectly ok to feel that way, and myself I have been thru some of those feelings, especially re: crushes/emotional needs but not feeling confident/no self love. I think there is an eventual feeling that all folks go through in life where you question why you are worthy of love and care. But just by being you that is enough. Perhaps working on some empathy towards yourself? Try stopping the negative self talk and be fair to yourself. Would you hold others to the standards you are holding yourself to? Maybe the bar is set too high my friend.

Also feelings of depression or stress make you look back at things and not feel good about the past accomplishments and not feeling good looking forward. While having us discuss ideas and thoughts with you, there is no real replacement for medical and mental care. We are not therapists here. So please keep that in mind too.

What kind of things are you doing for self improvement? What have you been learning lately or an interesting skill you have practised?

I really do hope this week and month and summer go better for you and please take to heart that you are worthwhile just as you are.

<3/Mish

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hey friend,

thank you for your vulnerability in sharing what you’re going through with your heartsupport community. we’re always here for you to listen and be a shoulder to lean on. please know that you don’t need to apologize for sharing an honest update after previous ones were about how things were moving upwards. life can be painful, scary, and strange sometimes, so just know i’m happy to support and encourage you through all the highs and lows along with the rest of your HS community.

from what you’ve expressed in this post, there is a lot weighing on your shoulders and heart. you might even feel like everything is leading you to a dead-end with no real hope in sight. if i can, i’d love to share one of my favorite quotes with you:

“When we hit our lowest point, we are opened to the greatest change.”
-aang, legend of korra

i believe that you have the power and control to tell those negative, suffocating thoughts to back off so you can reclaim your life. tell your fear of rejection that you deserve to love and be loved, know that your accomplishments have prepared you in ways you might not understand now but you will, and embody the fact that you are doing your best. it sounds like you’re beginning college soon which can be a lil’ scary. but the opportunities that lie ahead in finding yourself, what you want in a relationship, expanding your interests, and meeting friends that understand you is a truly incredible experience you have in front of you. sending you so much love and all the comfort i can, my friend. i believe in you to find the greatest change at this point in your life - you will rise above it all!

love,
twix

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Hi @HalloweenMaskMaker
Thank you for this post, I am glad you have decided to share the fact the you are feeling this way which tells me that you want this to get better and that makes me happy. Firstly you are not a waste of space, you have never or will never be that. It truly saddens me that you would even begin to think that of yourself, I have seen your posts on the wall for a while now and seen you amazing art work and I can assure you, you are amazing, you also have a wondeful heart, you are kind and thoughtful.
Your only downside is your low self esteem and sadly only you can work on that my friend, some of the worries you have I think come with the age you are at, the fears for your future are perfectly normal when you are heading into college,its scary starting something new and wondering what the future holds but it can also be incredibly exciting, also every person that you meet when you get there will also have those anxieties, that will pass with time as you settle into a new routine and work.
You are in the right place here to see the words you are loved and you matter at any given moment so if that is what you need to hear or see just visit us because that is what we do and how we feel. You are going to be ok, you will be a success in your own life im sure of that and you always have us to remind you of that. Much love as always. Lisalovesfeathers x

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Hello again, HMM. I’m sorry that you are feeling this low again. And I want to say that you do matter and you are most certainly not a waste of space.

College is such a major change and I think it will be a change that is good for you even if you still do not feel that excitement for it that you wish you did. There are so many more people and clubs to join. You will be interacting with people from so many different places and they will be in similar classes as you which will mean you have similar interests. I think you will find your people in college. So many people do. I think you will find friends who accept and love you for the unique and awesome person that you are. I left high school a pariah and found friends in college. I believe that you will follow a similar path.

And I know that you probably won’t pay attention to this part but I want you to try and find a way to see that you matter. That you find a way to love and care about yourself so that you have all that love to share with others. People are attracted to personalities and people who let the light inside themselves shine. And I don’t mean attracted for dating, I mean attracted to those people to become friends with. Humans are basically moths that fly towards lights. I hope you find a way to let your light shine bright.

Good luck this summer and good luck at university in the fall. I think you will be brilliant :hrtlegolove:
-eloquentpetrichor

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Hey HalloweenMaskMater,

Good to hear from you again, even though you’re going through a tough spot right now. I am sorry that you are having those intrusive thoughts coming back to you, especially after going a good while without them. You don’t deserve that, am I am sorry you’re going through it.

One thing I do want to note, is that you spoke down about yourself a few times in your post. That, my friend, it’s something I’ll not accept. You are worth people’s time, affection, and energy. You are good enough as you are right now. You have value, and those intrusive thoughts and emotions that are popping into your head are just that - intrusive. You are loved, and you matter. Period. Full stop. Though self doubt may be trying to tell you otherwise. Be well, my friend. And let us know how your journey continues.

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Hi there!

I am so grateful that you’re here with us, and sharing your thoughts. It’s been an absolute honor to see your creative works and to see how you’ve gone after your dreams to get into college of your dreams!

I want to soundly and completely reject this, no-one is ever a waste of space. Everyone deserves to be feel safe and respected, and loved. And that is what we’re all here to remind you of - you matter to us, you have so much value just by being you.

You’re very harsh to yourself and how you describe yourself. We see talent and drive, and someone who is very skilled and creative.

You ARE loved already, friend. By ALL of us here. And I genuinely hope that you know how much we do care about you, and genuinely want you to have the best experiences as you move form High school to college. There is so much potential and possibilities open to you as you make this move.

I hope you can explore new clubs and groups and discover ways to discover fun stuff you enjoy. I would love for you to find ways to find joy in yourself and be gentler with yourself. Love is easier to find on the outside when you find some of it inside as well. You are wonderful and creative, and I would love you to start seeing some of that love for yourself too. It takes work, but you matter so much friend, stay with us and we will be here to support through the changes!

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Thinking about you this morning…

How have you been doing these past few days?