A while back Dan was so kind enough to send me the book Rid my disgrace. I was able to finish it tonight and I just want to put this out there for those who have suffered sexual assault of any kind.
Before I start I’m going to give one more warning, I will not only be mentioning sexual assault and rape but also suicide and abuse.
I guess I should start at, what I currently believe is, my core just for some context.
I’ve mentioned this on stream before, but, My father was abusive and an alcoholic. I used to live in Iowa and I have memories of him hurting my mother or myself. I also remember hearing his tone sometimes how it was filled with hate. I have one memory that stuck out to me that relates to this. One night I had a bad dream, so as a small child I wandered a dark house and I saw the TV on, my dad was asleep on the couch and there was, what I know now, porn on the TV. I ignored it and crawled behind the couch and fell back asleep. The next morning my mother woke me up and the day went on, but later that night I woke up to screaming. My mom and dad arguing, cause he left porn on the TV and I was awake, my dad didn’t care he said “She’ll learn sooner or later.” or “It’s not like it’s unnatural.” While my mom, who is a rape survivor herself, argued back trying to do her best to protect my innocence. It ended with my dad leaving the bedroom and silence for a time, then as I was falling back asleep I could hear my dad saying “She isn’t innocent she’s mine.” I don’t remember anything else or if anything happened to me. I just know I woke up in my parents bed, with my mom sitting next to me.
After we moved to Texas my Dad sent sober, but he didn’t stop looking at porn or hiding it from anyone else. By about 5 I knew sex was a thing just not knowing about the whys and hows of it. As my sisters got older he became more protective of them around boys, which I thought was normal, but I also would catch him staring into their rooms, I caught him looking into their window from the outside once and when I asked he told me “It was my imagination.” He would treat this sexual desire as his only drive for love and I didn’t know that till I was an adult.
On top of that my father was still abusive, my sister has many mental disorders and as a child had to take a lot of meds, many experimental, so there was a fight almost every day. My father would hit her, my mother, my other sister or me. Telling me “You don’t need to love me, only fear me.” When I would confront that with “Other kids don’t fear their dads, why can’t you just love us like other dads love their kids.” He told me off and would abuse me mentally or spank me for “speaking up” cause in his eyes “Your opinion will be given to you when or if it was needed.” He would for the rest of the time he was around be abusive. After about 15 the physical abuse stopped but the mental and emotional only got worse. It also became clear to me later that his sexual drive didn’t die. Like he did with my sisters he would watch me as I changed in my doorway or window. He would get angry if I blocked the window or close the door. So much I put furniture in front if the doors and windows to get even a moment of peace. Till he left me and my mom is 2014 he would hurt me and my mother in one way or another. In 2011 when my mom got sick and had to be in a hospital for many months I would have to carry a knife with me, cause I was now of legal age and he would try to make advances at me. I told him if he tried ANYTHING I would scar him forever. I would only sleep if he was at work. Double if not triple lock everything so I could sleep soundly in my own house or have a friend over and have them watch the house as I slept.
In 2016 he committed suicide, he left me and my mom a note, as well as the mistresses he left us for. Telling me that he never meant to hurt me and that I was the reason for his faults. I was apart of his demons and saying worse to my mother. Our letters were just more abuse and gas lighting. But the letters to his mistresses were nothing but praise and love.
Because of my fathers abuse and sexual drive, I saw sex and pain as the only REAL way to show love which became my downfall.
At 16 I started to date someone, it was actually out of peer pressure. The Guy, who we will name T, liked me and I didn’t have a boyfriend ever. I was pressured for half a school year to at least TRY. So, I did. It was okay for a while and then he told me he was moving and wanted to stay in the relationship, I didn’t know better and said I was okay with trying to keep the relationship going. He was going to leave in a month, and that month started hell for me. The day after he was flirting heavily and being more physically affectionate, and when we had a private moment he asked if I wanted to have sex with him. I didn’t, I wasn’t even interested in that, I didn’t CARE for that. So I told him no, he got upset at me and we left a few minutes later after a fight where I was the one to blame cause “I wasn’t doing my job as a woman.” a few days passed and he ignored what happened but instead of asking me would put me in situations where he would try to fondle me or grind against me. When I would call him out on it he would tell me that “He didn’t do anything.” or “He wanted to convince me it was okay.” that “I needed to try once.” that “It would make me a woman and I would be grown up.” that “He has done it so many times and he’d be gentle.” it would get into a point were he would slap me or try to break my wrists telling me the pain was punishment for not doing my job, this lasted till he moved.
HE came back next summer and his advances were stronger, he would try to strip me or penitrate me if I called him out to told him no he would somehow hurt me, blame ME for the punishment and get mad. He would FORCE me to be affectionate with him, kisses and hugs and playing teasing cause if I didn’t I would have been abused or faced with a death threat. This lasted for 2 months. Inbetween visits he would send me naked pictures of himself, videos of himself, buy me dildos or other sex toys, blame me if I didn’t want them. He took that time to start molding me into a doll that would take the abuse he was going to give me, and because of my past I let him.
We didn’t see each other again till the winter after his last visit, and I to this day regret saying yes to that trip. The first day was actually okay, no abuse or attempts to touch me but I know now it was cause his family was around. The next day was so different, we went out cause he wanted me to see some areas in the town he lived and meet his friends. When we met up with his friend they were much older than him or I, about 22. They drove us around and show us the different parks and amphitheaters. When we went out to see one place T offered me his scarf, then I blacked out. I woke up to a slight prick in my arm, T and his friends were naked and one of them pulled a syringe away from my arm the last thing I heard was “Did you get anything for protection?” to with T replied “Naw man, I love it raw. Plus we can clean her out real good.” They raped me and kept me on so many drugs that I will be honest I only remember flashes of the entire thing. Different BSDM object, knives, candles and the one thing I wish I never saw was a large dark brown dog. (as a small side note T was a HUGE furry and he didn’t hide it) This lasted a week, I don’t know if I was fed or given something to drink. I had become a sex toy for T and 3 other men and after I went home, I was broken.
February 2009 after I tried to take my life. I went to a abandoned house about 20 miles away and used a piece of glass and stabbed my leg. I was found by a man, who’s dog was trying to help me. He didn’t take me to a hospital, after several hours of trying to convince him. He made sure the bleeding had stopped bought me dinner from a fast food place and took me to the closest intersection to my house. I still have the scar from this.
I saw T again that summer and once again I was a sex toy. My body being used for payment for drugs, which I was forced to take. Then raped again and again and again. I was used and abused, scars covered my body that summer. T drove me to the airport and before he let me go put out a cigarette in my arm, let it sit there as he talked telling me. “I hav learned my place and if I every question him again he will make everything worse.” If I learned sooner he would haven’t had done anything to hurt me. The flight home I was in tears, and no one saw me. I still carry this scar.
To be honest I don’t know what caused me to leave him. My brain tries to lock away as many memories as it can when it comes to T.
I found out that videos of my rape were online, so I had to go to about 12 different sites and tell them to take it down, that it was me, that was MY rape. He did and one site reported it. Last I heard from T he was in a court case, for raping 3 more girls. That was in 2011. When I tried to go to a mutual friend of mine and T’s to tell him what had happened he just told me “Oh well you were REALLY affectionate with him.” Blaming me saying it never happened not knowing what he was saying to me when no one was looking. He then told others I was lying. I lost so many friends because of it.
After some timed I dated again and the person after was okay, he saw me for attention and sex was, as the mold side of me was forced to believe, the only answer. After some time again we split up.
I had a few more partners who were more like one night stands. I had become the one who anyone could fuck and could get away with it. I wanted to feel loved and that was how I felt it, it was the only time I felt alive and felt like I had friends.
2012 I found a more serious partner online, let’s call him J. He was nice but it was a short time till he saw how broken and easy to manipulate. He would demand videos of me or pictures. I would give into his demands, all because he said he loved me. He would use my blind love and trust for him to trick others. He would have me met up with strangers and have sex with him, all while he was watching. I soon became more aware of my situation and that I HAD to leave but J was still able to trick me and use me as he wanted. He would led me to believe he was short on money and a gang was going to kill him if he didn’t pay them. He needed MY help, and there was only one way I could do it.
For a year and a half I sold my body and sent him all the money.
In march of 2013 I attempted to take my life again, I was going to jump and end it, but a woman found me. She tried to take me to a place I was safe but I couldn’t let my family know. I was told by the few other girls who worked with me to take a name that made me strong and remember my will to live. So I became Lilly, it soon became all I knew.
Till 2014 I was with J and he would constantly use me for free fast online porn or money. By the end of the relationship I had broken out of his grasp and tried my hardest to free myself which I was able too. He would threaten to put my pictures and videos online, but I didn’t care, they were online already.
Late 2014 I was almost assaulted bu a man in the place I worked at. Which I cover in detail in another post.
In 2015 I met Dylan, my current partner. He has worked me with and has cleared the sludge of the way I see love. I know it can be something REAL something that is more than just sex, it’s kisses on the forehead before he goes to work, it’s making me some tea, it’s being with me no matter how broken, guilty, ashamed and disgraced of my past I am. He has given me the space to heal and learn what real love is.
In 2018 I found HeartSupport and started to open up about the things I mentioned here and more. I was shown love there as well, love that I could not be more grateful for. I met so many others who allowed me to cry, and open up. To send me to places where I can heal and also use my story to help others heal. I found the tools I needed to heal so I could learn what grace really meant.
For those who read this I want you to see this and know one thing. You are not alone anymore. You are loved and you are in a safe place. You can let yourself heal from being hurt. Please don’t try to lock it away, let it be known that you were hurt. If family or friends try to shush you, only get louder. No one should be hurt like I was or worse or even less. I know you are carrying the weight of this on your shoulders but please, take the time to accept it happened, let yourself know that no matter what ANYONE said or says now what happened to you is NOT your fault. Find a place where you can find a way to not just love yourself and others but find grace and patience for yourself. You can be able to set down your weight and walk again. You are not ugly or gross for what happened. You are loved, right here, right now. By me, because I know that no matter if you were assaulted or not you deserve love. You can grow again, I believe that you can. Cause after a little time I did.
Hold fast friends.