I’m having a really bad night. I’ve been in a really dark place off and on for over a year. I’ve taken steps to help me get out of it but tonight well the last few weeks have literally have been hell. My anxiety are telling me things I know are not true. Like I’m worthless or the friends I have left hate me, I’m trash and just alot of dark thoughts. I’m in a very dark place. I feel alone. I’ve been sleeping more to avoid these thoughts and to avoid my anxiety but when I wake up they come crashing in or I’ll have dreams about what I think about during the day. It’s really hard to stay positive. It’s been a really bad year. I try my best to focus on the good things that happened this year but sometimes it’s really hard. I’m tired of feeling like this . This is the darkest place mentally I’ve been in and it’s really hard. I’m doing my best tho. Panicing heavily tonight. I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone. And I feel like a shit person and friend .
Dude, this is so relatable. I feel like I just skimmed right through these thoughts because I’ve had them all myself too. It is so easy to spiral when it feels like you have no grip on anything good that you see in yourself or in your life. So when you lose your footing, what else do you have to hold onto? So you try to escape, but then when you have a breath above the waters you try to drown these thoughts in, the brutal cold of all the thoughts you have bites hard…and worse for having been underwater…
Yeah man, I’ve been in a similar spot more times than I can count. This is actually one of the things I’ve been talking about with my counselor lately. One of the best things she recommended for me was to start to journal my victories. When I feel like I’m spiraling, I think, “Everything’s shit, nothing’s going right, and so I’m total shit too.” And the daily practice of writing down how I’ve made any step towards the person I want to become has been a huge rescue for me. For example, one of the characteristics I want to become is “Beloved” – which to me, means knowing I am loved and loving my wife and kids. I struggle a lot thinking I’m a shit parent or a shit husband. And when I take time to write out, “I looked at my son in the eye and asked him how his day was and was truly present with him for 30 seconds” – that is a victory, and it helps me combat the thoughts that take me on a spiral. Then I’ve noticed that I start to live life looking for the little victories, I find it easier to pivot when I’m feeling terrible, because the victories are so small that I journal that it feels attainable, like I can choose to be present with my son…right now! I can live into who I want to be right now. It’s not unattainable! It feels so liberating. And I’ve only been doing this practice for a couple months, and it’s massively massively rewarding…oh, and it was immediately rewarding, even on the very first day I did it.
Might be worth giving it a go! And I know one of the things I had to fight through was thinking – there’s nothing that I did yesterday that was good. So I started to write down characteristics of what I wanted to become, and I asked myself – what did I do today that demonstrated this characteristic? “Loyal” is another one of my characteristics. And if I listened to someone, if I wrote a support wall reply, if I hung out with someone, if I believed in someone, prayed for someone, I am living out that victory. It counts! Every day you’ll have victories and you’ll get better at seeing them as you go. But know this: You absolutely have them, regardless of how bad the day was. Ask yourself where those victories were and don’t let yourself not answer that question.