Hi friends,
My relationship with my husband has been rocky for a while now (well before quarantine). We have a 3yo who is really trying to push boundaries and see what she can get away with, so that has definitely been a strain. Part of my struggle is that I wake up with her every morning (even though he’s working from home and I am still going in to work) and leave her with the babysitter, and I put her to bed most nights and watch the baby monitor even on the nights I am streaming (he’s on his computer with his friends).
This past week I had the stomach flu, but I still did chores around the house. When I tried to lay down, he got mad that I hadn’t done the dishes yet because he needed one of the pots to cook dinner. I just feel like I never get any minute to myself, or if I try to “take a day off” from being a mom or a wife I get called lazy and reminded that I’m “letting our daughter down, and setting a bad example for her.”
I also can’t tell if some of my anger is coming from a place of jealousy. He’s told me that when he finishes his web meetings for the day, he plays video games for a while before he gets our daughter from the babysitter. I’m still working a normal office job that sometimes involves field work, so I’m usually exhausted when I get home which is why I feel like resting. I would do anything for even an extra hour to just veg out.
I have moments when I love being a wife and a mother, but currently, I feel like those moments are becoming fewer and I dream of rewinding my life to where I was living in an apartment by myself in peace. How do I know if this is just a tough time, or if I should start getting my finances together to just get out and start over?
Man, that is so incredibly hard. It sounds like it’s a mixture of things. Intensity from quarantine and a mixture of maybe just needing to have a good sit down and talk.
It’s okay to not be perfect all of the time. To need moments to relax, veg out and have some me time. Everyone burns out after a while. Working and being a full time parents can be exhausting on a normal day, let alone during things like covid.
You shouldn’t have to feel bad for being sick and needing to rest. Your body is unwell and just needs to take time to heal and recover. It’s not too much to ask for that hubby does the dishes for a day when you’re unwell. A loving spouse would support you and nurture you in that time.
I obviously do not know the details and depth of the struggles in your marriage so I can’t tell you if you need to consider financially preparing for a start over. But what I can recommend is sitting down and gently talking to each other about your feelings and what has been going on. Maybe set up a healthy routine and plan for you guys so that you can both get in some game time, hang time and whatever it is that helps you relax.
It’s understandable to experience moments of frustration and jealousy if you’re working hard and not getting any time to relax and he is. Which is why it’s good to talk.
What you are feeling is completely valid and understandable. You deserve to be heard. I pray for strength and courage for you. And peace within this situation
It’s absolutely normal to be exhausted. Being a wife, a mom, having a job, then having double dose of work with home tasks and chores… It’s objectively a lot to handle for only one person. And it’s even harder when you feel like you’re not helped by your partner. As @anon17277947 said, it’s really okay to rest when you need it. I know it’s not that easy when your mind keeps being focused on the tasks that has to be done… But still. There’s a need for some grace here. Just because we’re human beings and we can’t be at 100% all the time. So in a few words: how you feel makes sense, totally, and you’re absolutely not lazy.
I’m sorry your husband is not more supportive. And I’m sorry he even puts this guilt on your shoulders. It’s not fair. Objectively, this may be just a tough time. It’s a common problem in relationships, unfortunately, when just… life starts to occupy a lot of space. But there are objectively some changes that has to be made here. And it has to be done with your partner. Did you have the occasion to have a real discussion with him? In a respectful way, to see if at least he’d be willing to change his habit so you can both recreate some balance here. If at some point this can’t be done, if you feel like communication is impossible, then maybe involving a counselor could be needed - and if you’d think it’s worth it/feel okay with that.
In the meantime, know that this community is here to support you.
Sending hugs your way.
