really starting to know why i’m such a little bitch about small things like this… maybe it is because of rsd being an attachment to adhd? i know i’m overreacting but i can’t stop it, it still hurts. i mean i’ve technically already been rejected before by my friend and it’s alright, i know it’s alright because it’s just what he feels so oh well, right? but i was just reminded of that when i wasn’t even trying to make a gesture like that, though i could see how it would be taken that way, and now i’m just being so self critical. i just keep thinking about what might be wrong with me and what i could do to change and if there was something then i’d do it and i wouldn’t care about “being me” or anything because i’d just believe that however i changed myself is me and i won’t care. nobody ever likes me though. it doesn’t have to be romantic. i just want friends that’ll like me. but i’m immature and stupid and careless and i end up caring too much about people who don’t give a fuck about me or who i am. it sucks. feel like my friend kind of feels that way too. he means everything to me so of course i’m going to treat him kindly and always offer to listen to his problems and stuff but i feel like that’s all i’m good for, is listening. i just feel like he’d rather use me as a way to get his issues out rather than actually be my friend sometimes. i don’t think it’s true but every time something even slightly upsetting happens with people i just automatically assume they hate me. this has ruined a lot of friendships for me in the past. me overthinking everything and always apologizing for never being good enough or apologizing for things i may have said days ago that i’m thinking about because they might’ve been the wrong things. apologizing for just existing; never being able to do enough. i always feel so worthless. i hate myself so much. why am i so sensitive? why cant i just be normal?
if the people i cared about wanted to, i’d let them use me however they wanted. if they just wanted somebody to dump their issues on to and then leave then they could do it. if they just wanted somebody to be angry at and call names and release frustration on then they could do it. if they just wanted me to comfort them so they could leave me right after they feel better and only come back when they need comfort again, then they could do it. why? because at least somebody is thinking about talking to me then. at least i’m not completely worthless, right? i can be used for something then. i don’t care what it’s for, i just want to help them… i can’t make them happy or anything but i can at least be used for something, right? if i’m good for nothing else then it’s fine, right? who cares about me anyways
I had to look RSD up and wow it’s very similar to the abandonment trait of BPD.
I know how much torture you’re gong thru right now in your head. I know how real these emotions are and I also know what it feels like to do whatever it takes to not be rejected or abandoned. For me tho, I unconsciously change my actual personality for them, if that makes senses. I’m who you need me to be and I forget about “me”.
I think we both have inner critics that are very similar. One facial expression or something we perceive as rejection could throw us into a tailspin. Most of the time, it’s not real tho and we put ourselves thru fucking hell until we realize we were misinterpreting the situation or person.
I feel all those self hatred things you described too and my inner critic screams those negative things.
I’m not sure what self soothing skills work for you, but maybe distraction would work? It’s important to quiet the storm before impulses and conflict start (I don’t know if that is something you struggle with too), so I just use my DBT skills or do a mindfulness meditation. I find if I can quiet my head some, then I think more rationally and discover that what I was experiencing was most of the time my BPD symptoms and not reality.
I hope this helps you in some way, Echo. I feel your pain right now and my heart goes out to you
Hi @echo
Thank you for reaching out, firstly its interesting that you are looking into reasons for behavior patterns.
Its not a nice thing to be rejected by anyone and I’m sorry that has happened to you but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, sometimes people just don’t get along any more for a number of reasons and because there is nothing wrong with you, you don’t need to keep apologizing for being you.
Echo, you are not any of the things your negative mind is telling you that you are, I understand that you are in a place that makes you think that its true but it isn’t.
I would really love you to talk to someone about how you feel, someone who can help you to see your worth so that you can know what I know about you.
What I know is that all the things you offer to other people is what you deserve from them, you are an equal to everyone, you are valued, you are loved and you matter and I care and HeartSupport cares about you and your well being.
Stick around Echo and learn your worth here.
Much Love
Lisa
Oh, I wish I could send virtual hugs here! We like you for you, and I’m glad you’re here sharing with us.
It sounds like you’ve been working hard at trying to figure out how to maneuver through relationships with your friends. Do you have access to any therapists or counsellors? I’d like you to focus on your strengths and what you have to offer, and the things about yourself that you like. you express yourself well, and you’re in touch with your feelings very well too. i thin a couple exercises to build that up would help you. You deserve to be safe and happy.
Also, if you have a diagnosis, and it explains why you react a certain way, there is power to be able to acknowledge that like you did! Look it up more, and seek out a professional who can help give you some tips and advice on how to best manage the effects. For example if you think you’re becoming stressed and about to overreact to something, see what exercises like deep breathing, counting, you can do, to give yourself a moment to think over things calmly. It may not be easy or quick, but hopefully it can bring you some mental relief. Please let us know how you’re doing!
