really starting to know why i’m such a little bitch about small things like this… maybe it is because of rsd being an attachment to adhd? i know i’m overreacting but i can’t stop it, it still hurts. i mean i’ve technically already been rejected before by my friend and it’s alright, i know it’s alright because it’s just what he feels so oh well, right? but i was just reminded of that when i wasn’t even trying to make a gesture like that, though i could see how it would be taken that way, and now i’m just being so self critical. i just keep thinking about what might be wrong with me and what i could do to change and if there was something then i’d do it and i wouldn’t care about “being me” or anything because i’d just believe that however i changed myself is me and i won’t care. nobody ever likes me though. it doesn’t have to be romantic. i just want friends that’ll like me. but i’m immature and stupid and careless and i end up caring too much about people who don’t give a fuck about me or who i am. it sucks. feel like my friend kind of feels that way too. he means everything to me so of course i’m going to treat him kindly and always offer to listen to his problems and stuff but i feel like that’s all i’m good for, is listening. i just feel like he’d rather use me as a way to get his issues out rather than actually be my friend sometimes. i don’t think it’s true but every time something even slightly upsetting happens with people i just automatically assume they hate me. this has ruined a lot of friendships for me in the past. me overthinking everything and always apologizing for never being good enough or apologizing for things i may have said days ago that i’m thinking about because they might’ve been the wrong things. apologizing for just existing; never being able to do enough. i always feel so worthless. i hate myself so much. why am i so sensitive? why cant i just be normal?
if the people i cared about wanted to, i’d let them use me however they wanted. if they just wanted somebody to dump their issues on to and then leave then they could do it. if they just wanted somebody to be angry at and call names and release frustration on then they could do it. if they just wanted me to comfort them so they could leave me right after they feel better and only come back when they need comfort again, then they could do it. why? because at least somebody is thinking about talking to me then. at least i’m not completely worthless, right? i can be used for something then. i don’t care what it’s for, i just want to help them… i can’t make them happy or anything but i can at least be used for something, right? if i’m good for nothing else then it’s fine, right? who cares about me anyways