Ruminations + advice

Hey people, I’m new, just joined. Gonna share a bit of my edge here, because I sorely need some help and I’m just more comfortable typing than speaking. It’s also more comfortable sharing with strangers than with friends because, I won’t feel bad if a stranger judges me. I keep many secrets from my friends, many many skeletons in the closet. I thought I could drown my depression in drugs or pretend to be happy but it doesn’t work. I got rid of my religion because there is no God, and I just feel so much lonelier. When I was Christian I had someone in my corner, a confidence that nothing could stand in my way, and I didn’t let the past control me. But I still hated myself, and now without that belief there’s just me with my hate. It makes me want to go back to that idea of clinging to an idea of God, but I know I can’t because I already determined that it’s fake. I would be stupid to go back to a fake belief, even if it would give me comfort. Not that I’m not still stupid regardless, I don’t know. I have always felt inferior, unattractive, everyone I ever trusted or loved brutally battered my ego until I continued the job for them, it’s left me a husk of my former self and even though there’s nothing left of my self esteem I continue to grind myself into dust and give myself headaches. I used to love making art and creating, and I’ve just lost any passion I had. I don’t know how to motivate myself to do better right now. I’m afraid to ask my friends for help because I don’t want them to judge me and hurt me. I don’t even know they’d do that, I’m just so crippled with suppressed feelings that are so desperate to escape but I don’t want to end up lashing out and causing problems and I don’t want them to think I’m crazy. I know I shouldn’t care what others think but I do because I have to live with them and if they hated me I’d truly have nothing. I don’t know what to do with all this screaming morbidness in my head. I try at my hobbies but they come out garbage. Like I’ve lost my stuff. I don’t even know myself fully. I feel like I’m stuck in a cage all the time, even if nobody is stopping me from going out the door and taking a walk. I just hate myself so much and I don’t think I deserve love. I’ve failed in so many relationships that something must be wrong with me. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to be happy. Everyone wants to break me down, they can’t see there’s nothing left to break. I want to scream in their faces that I’ve had enough and I just want to know who I am and what my purpose is. I feel like I never really had one. Like I’m just a background character that can be replaced and moved around as seen fit. I’ve spent my whole life doing what I’m told and now that I’m alone I don’t know how to start taking care of myself. I want to know what I’m supposed to do and if there’s nothing, if I don’t have a purpose, why should I do anything? I just hate the idea of doing nothing and waiting to die. I don’t have that passion I used to and I don’t know how to get it back.

Dear Ori

Its awesome that you let your feeling out on here and there no shame of letting it out. Its not healthly to keep it all in and let it boil up. You cant control the way you feel and you not be blaming yourself. Its hard to believe in god where their alot of wrong in the world and also for someone try use that faith in way that put people down. However, let say if was no god would have life still have meaning? I say yes, because in funny way their always meanging in life no matter what way you look at it. People just say that oh well what the point this life, really think we kinda came from nothing, but we have this whole universe. That has all these plants and stars, anything. Here on earth we part of living egosystem and that functions, thinks, feel and suffer and embrace, that something that meangingfull, even thou that simple idea.

Also I myself have draw in like a mouth and I have degree in graphic design. However, I have not felt the passion. I felt it became too much as job , well I got to may hobbies lol. But the think with passion it an feelings, and feelings come in go. So it perfectly normal to lose passion in something. The passion sometime has to come in and go. I do feel that all artist feel this way from time to time.

In addition yourself is always changing, which in some way we dont know what we are. As you get older, you develop new ideas and see different places that change you. It would be boring if we never change. It part of being human.

Advice
Try you talk to friends about your feelings, you be surprise that alot peole are going throught the same things. You not alone, I have feel this way and wont be the last time.

Also try maybe doing a nature walk, sometimes it good to walk around in a park to clear you head. Maybe try a new artform like music, dance and yoga. You may need a different way to express yourself.

You are worth something and you life does have meanging.

If there is a worth and a meaning I don’t know what it is. I’m searching and every time I look my thoughts turn sour and I go back to negativity. Any good feelings are just bandaids, temporary. I always go back to hate and it’s so hard not to.

Ori

I understand where you are coming from, it easier say it going be okay when it not. The problem may be that you seaching too hard and missing what is right in front of you. You try to alan watts, he a famous philosopher that talk about anxiety, depression, desire and even life. His words are worth a listen and you can find his speakes on youtube.