Rumors and stress, some ideation

** TW: SH

I feel like I’m going to go mad. I’m feeling so much that I’ve gone numb. Rumors about me and two of my friends being gay are circulating around the campus. This happened last semester, too, but with only one of them. It’s stressing me out because I don’t want to be talked to about it. It pisses me off.

I want to punish myself, I feel like I caused this and so now I want to cut myself and cut myself bad. I don’t know how to cope otherwise. I’ve been almost a whole month clean, and now I’m struggling again with both my mental health and with the urges. I feel like one day I’m going to slip up and ruin my days clean. I hate this feeling


Hey there @wren_wyn :wave:t2:

It seems like your carrying a heavy burden at the moment. Rumours are overwhelming and cause unwanted stress. Please don’t blame yourself for the things other people say or think about you, because quite simply it isn’t your fault.

It’s so good that you reached out and I just want to take the time to say that your feelings are valid. You are perfectly within your right to feel angry, upset and annoyed about the situation. These are all natural human emotions that everyone faces.

I’m so proud of you for achieving your 1 month clean milestone! You should be proud as well. Recovery is a rollercoaster, and there will be some twists and turns you don’t expect, but times will get better. Relapses will be part of this rollercoaster, but they don’t define you or your worth.

Talking about what’s going on really does help. Pick someone you trust or a professional. They are the best people to offer support and guidance in this tough times. If you do ever find yourself facing a crisis situation, there are hotlines out there who can help you 🫶🏻

I hope you find this reply helpful :heavy_heart_exclamation:

The stress of it has gotten better now with time. During the spike of it, I was really overwhelmed. I feel better now, though, almost like I had forgotten about it.

I’m somehow still clean. I don’t know what to feel anymore. On one hand, I’m happy that I’ve been able to go without cutting for a while. But on the other, as sick as it sounds, I miss the pain and the sting and the burn of the cuts. And the way they bled and scarred and made marks. It’s like a constant clash for me internally deciding whether to cut or to not. I know I shouldn’t, but I want to. It’s like a war within myself.