Run from the doctors... run from you

Hey guys, it’s me again. I’m sorry for making a post on the support wall, because it’s something that really is minimal in comparison to the other posts, but I just need someone to tell me this is going to be okay. That this isn’t the end, when in all reality it does feel like it. So as some of you already know, I’ve had some health concerns come up recently, that in all honesty I’ve been avoiding for quite some time, and well now… today was the day to maybe face the fear of my fate and go to the doctors. But boy did I stare fate right in the face. As my last post stated, I was sexually assaulted by a male “friend” about 6 weeks or so back now, and well now I went to the doctor, and I wanted a pregnancy test. I wanted to know, I wanted to know that I wasn’t pregnant and it was all going to be okay.

Well the results were shocking… the results were destroying… and the results were confusing. Two tests were taken one test was negative one test was positive. I knew when the doctor walked back in what the results were, and I just broke. I was screaming and crying and shaking, so the doctor walked away, to give me some space to breathe, and well in that time I left the doctors office, and that was it.

I was mind boggled as I was walking down the sidewalk outside the doctors office, I get a discord notification, and it was Nate ( someone who’s been a huge freaking support system in my life). He said hey let’s call, and I looked at my phone and I was pissed. I was mad at God, I was like GOD leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to anyone. But I answer… not planning on saying much… but it came out, it came out and Nate listened, and he loved me, he was there for me. But oh my goodness guy I was so freaking scared… I cried over and over, feeling alone and unsure.

I’m just at a lost guys, I am so freaking afraid to go back to the doctor and potentially get this news… to get the news, hey you’re pregnant… and no it wasn’t your choice… you were raped… but you’re pregnant and that’s your baby. Guys I can’t freaking handle this anymore, all I want to do is freaking run, I want to run away from this, to be alone, to figure out where to go from here. I’m so ashamed of myself, I’m so ashamed of what’s going on, and honestly I would understand if you guys are ashamed of me. Just know I love you and I love this community. I don’t know what to do, and I find myself just sitting here blaming myself and feeling pissed off, and honestly feeling alone and like nobody gets what I’m going through.

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey

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We are not ashamed of you monkey, we love you!! and in fact, it was incredibly brave to share this with us. In the beginning of your post you said that your problem was minimal, but that isn’t true at all. This is your life, and there is nothing more important than what you’ve experienced. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t be able to leave my room, and I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. You were assaulted and abused and that is not okay, but I am so glad that you found a friend in Nate, and that you came back to this community for support.

You are beautiful, you are worth our time, and you deserve our love :heart:

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Not ashamed of you then, not ashamed of you still. Love you Monkey. Everything’s going to be okay. Let’s get you that test and take this together one step at a time <3

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Dear @Monkey

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. We love you SO much. Regardless of what’s happened, or what’s happening, or the uncertain future ahead, we’re here to walk through it with you, and you are so incredibly BRAVE and COURAGEOUS for reaching out. Like @Ferdiinand said, I would have done the same if I was in that place- just isolate and not reach out ever. Your experience is legitimate, so please don’t feel guilty or ashamed if you can help that at all. We love you, and it was NOT your fault. You were abused and hurt by somebody else, and that’s on them. You are so worthy of love and support. No matter what, you’re not alone.

Sending virtual hugs, love, and peace,
Alex

I was abused by someone who was supposed to be a friend when I was younger, too. I cannot even imagine what I would do or how I would react if I had gotten pregnant… I wish I could just tell everyone to EFF OFF for you, or give you a big hug, whichever you were feeling most at the time. I know my emotions were all over the place, so I totally understand being mad and not wanting to talk about it, but I’m really glad you did. The 1st person I ever told about what happened was not supportive at all, and it was really discouraging and took me years to even think about telling someone else. But when I finally did, it opened up this small, yet welcoming, world of help and understanding and HUGS. I have never needed so many hugs in my life, which is strange, given the circumstances… I think because I had so many years to go over everything in my own head, it almost made the physical coping easier. But, it made the mental coping damn near impossible because I was so stuck in my ways of thinking. I think by talking about it so soon may be scary no but will help a lot in the long run!

Good luck, and you are far from alone <3