Running in a cycle, feeling hopeless and no way out

Hi there, I am in a relationship with my wife now for 13 years, 10 years married.
We have been in fights and arguments for that whole of the 13 years.
I feel that we have had more than enough good times as well, but for my wife that is now not enough anymore.
She feels that I have treated her like shit over that 13 years, while I lack to see it.
This makes me feel bad that she says that, and I can’t believe it. I know I can be harsh when we have a fight (mind you, just verbal, no physical). Our fights always start because she tells me about something I am doing wrong, because it hurts her. I tell her I want to change it, and it was not what I mean. Because I don’t want to hurt her on purpose. She replies with the fact that I can purposely try not to hurt her.
We are running in a circle here. All the hurt I do to her is verbal or just my actions.
I have ADD and I seem to have a problem learning from my mistakes. There are mistakes I still do after 13 years. Don’t listen to her, interrupting her and defending myself when she is upset with me. I feel so dangit hopeless that it feels as if I have tried everything, but nothing seem to works. And my wife keeps saying I am lazy and never put any effort in it.
Unfortunatly I have had a burnout 4 years ago and I lack the energy on so many days. Feeling I have no energy to put more effort in it, thus fueling my hopelessness.

I hope I am making any sense. Next to the advice welcomed, I am also open for a listening ear.

Best regards EP

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I can see how you are feeling hopeless in your relationship with your wife. It’s like you are on a hampster wheel and you keep trying to make things better but you are not making any progress. You keep going in circles in your conversations. You are doing something wrong and therefore not meeting her expectations. You want to improve your relationship with her and please her so you tell her that you will change. Of course, when she criticizes you, its natural to defend yourself. and you are doing your best but still it is not enough. She feels hurt because she feels that you don’t care for. This cycle continues in each argument and can be draining.

It is hard to change our patterns that we may have learned in our childhood. Perhaps, your parents had similar arguments where they did not listen to each other or listen to you. It is also frustrating to keep going through this cycle with your wife which leads to more arguments.

I can see that you are disheartened if your partner has a negative regard for you and does not respect you. You are doing your best. That is all we can do. I understand that you went through burnout and that you don’t have energy some days which leads to hopelessness.

Are there some days that you feel that you do have energy? What has worked better in your conversations with your wife?

sounds alot like my relationship with my wife. not nearly married as long but similar problems… I don’t listen, I don’t communicate, I don’t try, I don’t help parent, I don’t love her. It’s hard. If your not happy with this person anymore then maybe give moving on from the relationship more thoughts

Best of luck