I built a morning routine of affirmations and breathwork, it stabilizes me emotionally but the underlying issues are still there. I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do, I can’t organize my thoughts to do basic chores or do my homework. There’s deadlines coming close and I’m not gonna make them. At work I got in trouble because I couldn’t listen and I screwed up stuff I was specifically told how to do. People are getting frustrated with me while
I’m getting worse and worse.
I got diagnosed with depression but I don’t think that’s the underlying issue. I think depression is just a symptom of something else going wrong with me. It’s hard to put in words, I’m just unable to do important things and can’t explain why.
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HumanPerson,
The morning routine you have practiced sounds really good, and I would encourage you to practice it not only in the morning, but when you are experiencing an uncomfortable level of stress or tension throughout the day.
It’s important to figure out what is going on, and most importantly to determine that nothing medically is causing you to lose focus. This could easily be medical, or perhaps a side effect of medication. Another thing, is to pay attention to your thoughts. Someone deep in thought can lose themselves to their surroundings, or someone thinking of a memory can almost ‘be’ in that memory. Our minds are very powerful places. Maybe you are not present, maybe you’re thinking of another time, place or situation when you are losing your focus, you’ll know if this is true for you, and awareness can help you keep your focus. Peace
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When I’m stressed it’s like a colony of ants in my head. It just happened. I run around anxious while my head is nothing but unorganized aimless thought.
This can go on for hours. Sometimes I dissociate, sometimes I’m fully aware of it and still can’t stop it.
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So, first don’t add more stress when this happens. Which simply means don’t judge yourself, by what you’re going through, so go easy on yourself.
I’d still encourage you to make sure it’s nothing medical, but when that question is settled, you have some tools, the morning routine, that can help you get centered. Right now you’re in a vulnerable place, you’re overwhelmed, slow it down with deep, deep breathing, and your FULL concentration on the air as it moves in and out of your lungs, Try to take deeper breathes, try to slow them down, and think of ‘release’ as you breath out. Tell those around you that you’re experiencing a difficult time, and are a bit overwhelmed. Ask them for the space to let you work through this time. I hope you are with people that understand, but that said, I think most people would understand. You don’t have to share details. And maybe try to go through one of these with someone you feel safe with and trust very much, perhaps a therapist who can help you identify your feelings while you’re in the experience. This is causing you difficulty in your life, so don’t ignore it, we’re here for you too. Peace
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I told close friends (my bandmates) pretty much what I posted here in this thread. they are concerned and they listen but i dont think I was able to convey what’s going on. it’s hard to explain what’s going on in my head, especially when I don’t understand it myself.
I dont think it’s depression, or rather just depression. I’ve had worse episodes of depression before and remained more functional then whatever this is. this feels more like mental decline.
Soothing myself with meditation and breath work is one thing, but it only treats the symptoms of my anxiety, not the causes. All that buildup of things to do and things I forgot about and things I have to get done but CANT. They always come back to haunt me and all the self-soothing in the world won’t help me with that. I can’t focus, I literally can’t get my eyes to focus on the screen right now. I’m afraid of where this is going 
HumanPerson, I really think you should seek professional help with what’s happening to you. This sounds pretty serious and you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and that can’t be helping your stress and anxiety. Your friends sound like they want to support you, but they may not know how. You speak of depression and anxiety as symptom, and not the cause, can you talk a little about this… And really keep up the exercises, because they may be working on more than you’re really aware of, a deeper level of relaxation, which can only help you, though it may not feel like enough right now. Going memory searching can be a really frightening experience, are you frightened by your memories. Keep Centered 
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First of all, I’m so glad you take the time to think and respond, it’s really appreciated. I talk of depression and anxiety as a symptom because i’m pretty sure they are. I think I know why I’m depressed and anxious, it’s because I’m dysfunctional and fear it’s going to get worse rather than better.
I really enjoy doing intense things, things that reqire tremendous amount of focus and engagement. I’m, an apprentice as a stonemason and I really like days where I have a challenging piece to make and I just get into flow and make it. those days are rare tho. Most of the time I overthink what I’m doing and am overly cautious with the stone in fear of screwing up. Those days I take way too long to get anything done and the result is sub-par as well,
why am I telling this? Idk, I cant make sense of it but I remember being in the former state of high productivity ALL THE TIME. back in school I was really good at everything. Things came to me easily and I didnt care at all. I had great grades without doing homework or learning for tests. It’s just not LIKE that anymore. I’ve peaked somewhere in high-school and have declined ever since. I used to be able to solve hard differential equations and now I have to look up basic trigonometry for example.
I used to play a song perfectly after hearing it once and now I have to train it extensively, just to play it badly and out of timing. I’m, 27 years old but I feel like I’m 80 compared to where I was 10 years ago.
I got of track in this story and I really don’t know what point I was trying to make. something about why I think my anxiety is just a symptom of something bigger. Well, yeah the bigger thingh is what’s keeping me from being my best self. it’s the thing that prevented me from growing up and make me resilient to anxiety.
that’s why I like the breathwork so much. I’m doing Wim Hof breathing, wich is basically a mind-over body exercise. You do a certain breathing routine and then hold your breath exhaled for as ong as possible. I can do it for 3+ minutes, I can hold my breath without air in my lungs until I literally pass out and my reflexes take over to save me. It shows me that I still am in control, it shows me that I can overcome myself. I used to do similar things when training water-rescue. I do it every morning just after waking up. I like doing it and I will keep doing it but as I said I think it ‘just’ treats the symptoms. It makes me less anxious cause I feel like I just did something hardly anybody can willingly do. Why am I able to overcome myself to such an extend but find myself unable to do basic household chores? I mean it’s nice to be diciplined about something but why do I fail to apply tnat to the rest ofd my life?
sorry for rambling. There’s all sorts of other things to get into but I feel kile I lost my train of thought multiple times writing this already. what was I trying to talk about again?
I dont think I’m making any sense at all
HumanPerson,
I should thank you, you’re listening. 
You’re noticing a decline in ability/ies, so once again, I stress medical consultation if possible. Get checked out physically.
I like doing high concentration work as well, I’m a programmer, and appreciate the way your work can take you to places inside yourself waiting to be explored. I’m speaking of your creativity.
I would encourage you to stay with the present in your life. What once was, is not, now. Now is Very important. If you think about it, your life, and my life are made of up Now moments. It is extremely important to live in the moment you’re in, to have your focus and attention be on the moment you’re living. This moment will never be repeated, just as every prior moment can never be repeated. We can “long” for the past, and we can “live” for the future, but if we do, we’re giving up what is happening right in this moment.
Today, you’re a different person than you were then, you may have been able to kick butt at whatever you did, but today is different, which doesn’t mean that all tomorrows will be like today. Your comparison to yourself seems to upset you and make you feel fearful of your future… how is that helping you?
Today, take steps to care for yourself, do what you need to help you today.
I cannot know the experiences you are having, but I sense your fear for your future. I also know how powerful our minds are, and that it is You who can control your thoughts, if you can control your breathing, you can control your thoughts.
Pay attention to what it going through your mind. Pay close attention to your thoughts, note them if you can. Watch your thinking, and see if you are re-enforcing your fears, making me stronger and giving them more power over you.
Peace
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