Sad and ashamed

I miss her. The little girl in me. The one that used to feel safe and can find joy in the smallest things such as the snow falling outside.The one who wanted to experience life…who got excited around the holidays. Who didn’t care what she looked like.
Where is she? Everything just feels dull now. I just feel isolated. I cried on and off today from 10 this morning to 9 tonight. I haven’t cried so hard in a long time.
My face hurts.
I feel guilt for a lot in my life. Past pains. The ups and downs of bipolar. They just keep holding on. I’ve been cutting people off because I want a fresh start. I’m someone who usually has a hard time letting go of people…memories will just come up. I was in an abusive relationship this year…moved three times…dealt with a dad that has anger issues…and worked the strip club. I’ve lost a couple friends in the process as well.

I’m tired.

Sometimes I come in here and feel bad that I rewrite about things cause I don’t want people to think I’m not progressing. Some weeks I ll feel great and then I crash…and I enter in a state of shock with memories replaying over and over.It’s so much grief. So heavy.

It’s hard for me to hold a job because of my mood swings so I’m constantly grinding. I don’t know how else to live right now.
I deleted my Facebook today. I want a new beginning…where I can just be in a spot of caring people and where I can just grow. I feel so lost…I want all the hurts of the year to stop eating at me and I don’t know how other than to cut people off.
It’s taking every little bit of mental strength for me to move on from thoughts of disappearing. I just don’t want to see anyone. I’m ashamed of myself.

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Hey

There’s no shame in any of that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to start over. I have started a few different times in multiple states. It is never easy.

Sometimes to feel that joy and wonder you seek you have to appreciate your self, easier said than done. And count small victories you achieve.

YOU reached out cause you were hurting and shot a signal flare. We are hear to listen and try to be the lighthouse in the storm. As cliche as it is hope floats.

You are worth it. Problems aside. Holidays are always nerve wracking at the best of times.

Again you can do this take each day as a new beginning cause I believe you can do this! I have my own mental demons and I struggle everyday. Some times a gentle nudge in the right direction is what you need and a cheerleader in your corner.

Your feelings are valid and I affirm that you need some in your corner fear not cause I feel you will persevere.

I hope you found peace, piece of mind and solitude and comfort in my words and thank you for sharing. If you need to reach out again please do not hesitate.

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Hey @Rosethorn,

Thank you for coming here.

Sometimes I come in here and feel bad that I rewrite about things cause I don’t want people to think I’m not progressing. Some weeks I ll feel great and then I crash…and I enter in a state of shock with memories replaying over and over.It’s so much grief. So heavy.

That’s okay. Don’t worry about that. No one will judge you here. Of course, I can say that I wish you the best and want you to be okay. But it’s only because I care about you. It should never be a pressure weighing on your shoulders. It’s also absolutely normal to have times when we feel better and others when we don’t. :heart: That’s also why this community exists.

It can be really hard and exhausting to deal with memories. Healing and grieving takes time. Please don’t be ashamed of yourself, there nothing to be ashamed of! In a certain way, through what you are experiencing right now, you are taking care of yourself. You’re building a better understanding of yourself and you are in this process of healing. Sometimes it feels like running into the same circles again and again. But you are growing, you are acknowledging your vulnerabilities, and we’re here for you through this process.

You are loved. :heart:

This isn’t therapy. This is a support group. We’re here to support you. Even if it was therapy, they don’t give you a deadline to feel better. That happens at your pace.

P.S. Congratulations for deleting your Facebook!