I lost my mom to cancer when I was 23. I’m 25 now and trying to continue on with my life but every day is a struggle. I’m dealing with anxiety and depression and also not having support from family or any friends. My mom was my best friend and the only person I had. Now that she’s gone my life has been turned upside down. A lot of things I see or remember on a daily basis are sad and make me cry because they are things we did or went to together. I miss her and feel there’s no point to my life anymore.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. The loss of someone so close to your heart is such a raw wound to carry. I’ve lost my big brother as well 3 years ago to a rare disease and this month specifically, as his birthday approaches, I can feel the wound being a lot more present. You are right, every day is a struggle as we learn to compose with their absence. There’s so many reminder of them all around, and everywhere in our life. It’s not fair. It’s really not.
I wish I had words of wisdom and comfort to share. Though I know there wouldn’t never be enough words to contrast with your pain right now. So please, friend, allow yourself to cry and mourn as much as needed. Don’t be afraid to allow yourself to feel, especially if you haven’t any space or anyone to express it. What you feel is not wrong. Your pain is felt. I promise you, you are not hurting alone right now. I may not know your mom or your story, but I understand that pain and feel it in my core. You are not alone, and you are in a safe place right here.
You have so much strength also for moving on despite the depression and anxiety. Those are common “friends” of mine as well. Freaking draning on a daily basis when just want some peace. It had to take so much efforts and determination to keep fighting for yourself and your future while your family wasn’t listening. That is how brave and resilient you are. Please don’t lose sight of it when you are in pain, because it’s such a beautiful part of who you are.
My therapist once suggested me to try to create some kind of journal that would be the reflection of who my brother was. Not some kind of sad memorial. But more like something that would contain memories, what he liked, who he was with plenty of details. Something that would be like him, even visually. I haven’t been able to try this myself, but thought about sharing this suggestion with you as well. Grief is about learnign to give a new place in our life to the ones we lost. A place that also include the fact that they are gone, but without forgetting their unique beauty and how much they impacted our own life in unique ways. Just like the remidners of your mom don’t have to be something painful and sad, it can be progressively turned into reminders of the love that was between you too, and how beautiful it is for you to have a mom like her.
A quote I love and gives me comfort comes from a french writer named V.Hugo. I like to share it here on this forum from time to time. He wrote this in one of many poems dedicated to his sister whom he lost during his life. “You are not where you were, but you are everywhere that I am”. The people we miss are still with us, friend, and we keep carrying them everywhere we breathe, in every place we live. That’s how precious and strong the bonds we have with them. The way they impacted us is a story that keeps going on as long as we are walking on this Earth. We keep sharing their story and honoring their heart by embracing all that this life has yet to offer to us, because that’s what they would have wanted for us.
To their love.
If you were to ask her, what was the point of her life, what would she say? Here and now, she remains a part of you. Her love for you was an investment in your future. Feel the pain, but make sure you also feel the love.
When I lost someone very dear, I found myself embracing the pain, because it’s depth was evidence of the treasure I once had. The raw pain also conveyed the feeling that she had only just gone away, and I believed hanging onto it was a way to keep her from becoming a distant memory.
30 years later, the pain that remains actually feels kind of sweet, as though because of it, I am able to experience and share more love than I might have otherwise. I need not have worried about her becoming a distant memory. I still see her in stunning detail.
Tears are therapeutic, whether they come now or 10 years from now.
You are her gift to the world. No doubt she would want you to feel free to be yourself, having helped you become prepared to do so.
I’m sorry that you’re struggling. I hope being here helps, if only a little bit.
I feel the exact same way as you said, that hanging onto the pain keeps her from becoming a distant memory, or just that it makes me closer to her in the only way I can be. The pain definitely is a testament to who she was, which was a beautiful person, but it’s hard to feel. Also I’m not settled in life, I haven’t even finished college because she got sick while I was in the process so my life got a lot harder after her passing. Thanks for your advice. I wish you the best.
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