Same old story

I’m so done. So stuck in my addictive behaviors, I don’t get anything done. I don’t want to let go of them. I’d rather kill myself. Even if there was an opportunity to get support, I wouldn’t care. There isn’t a single spark of motivation to do anything about it. There’s nothing in life I want to experience, nothing I’d consider worth living for. The only thing that comes to mind why I wait to kill myself is to engage in these behaviors even more. It’s on my mind 24/7. I’m gonna die anyway, so why bother at all. Maybe I don’t need to do it myself because the behaviors are that self-destructive it’s not unrealistic I’ll die directly from them. I feel the physical destruction that is going on. What a lovely place to be in, but, well, it is how it is.

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you’re here with us, and I’m grateful for these moments. You’re here sharing how you feel, and that is a huge display of trust in us here. I want to take a moment to say that I see you, I see your contributions here. I’ve seen you trying to support and lift others up, and I want to thank you for that. Even while you battle with your addiction, you’re helping others, cheering them on.

I think it sounds like there is one thing left in life for you to discover - life without your addictions. I know you’ve said that you rather have them more than anything else, but I think a part of you also yearns for the hope that there can be something else that could replace them. Life is a beautiful complicated thing, friend. There are small moments whose beauty can stay with us for years. A shared coffee with a friend, a spectacular sunset. the memory of walking by the beach and feeling the sun, sitting alone wrapped in a blanket all warm and toasty. These are the refuge for the wounded heart.

You matter, just as you are. You’re hurting and you want relief, but it seems you may need a little more specific assistance and support right now. Most addictions have a robust method to cope with them. The fact that they exist shows how many people need that extra support, by trained people who can give us a better chance of success.

You’re worth giving yourself a chance. We’re here for you. You’re much loved and appreciated. Thank you for always being someone who’s here and willing to share support and love. We’re here to do the same for you!

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The nature of depression to have little or no motivation.

On the other hand, if you don’t care, what have you got to lose by giving it a try? You’ve crossed a threshold that there’s no returning from, or even a desire to do so, as long as it looks like you’re going to head right back into the life you didn’t find satisfying. When you’ve crossed that threshold, you need help because you’ve lost contact with your inner resources, and have convinced yourself they don’t exist. The reality is that they do exist.

You also have the option to end the “same old story” lifestyle, without ending your life. That doesn’t mean you have to quit everything and join the circus. It may simply be a matter of changing perspective, trusting a friend, or finding a new interest.

Addictions are distractions. They distract from both the negative and the positive. They often function as “spark of motivation” removers.

Was your life better or worse before getting into the addictive behaviors? Was there something about your life that prompted you to seek refuge in addictions? I don’t blame you for not wanting to let go of the addictions if it means reverting to a way of being that you found hard to tolerate. You don’t need to revert, in fact you can’t because you’re more experienced and have gained additional wisdom since then.

I’d rather see you addicted and alive than not alive. My greatest wish for you is to feel decent and free of things that don’t support your well being.

Stopping an addiction without an alternative way of coping with whatever triggered the addiction, rarely works out. I smoked two packs of non-filter cigarettes daily for 23 years. When I quit, I dealt with the void by cross country skiing. Hopefully, you can find something healthier to do that’s more rewarding than the addictions.

Do you like animals? How about a kitten or a puppy? Is there music that can boost your mood? For many, exercise is a potent antidepressant.

Be done with what doesn’t work. Help is available. You are a treasure and much appreciated.

The Golden Rule is just as meaningful if it’s inverted, “Treat yourself as you’d treat others.”

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@Wings and @Sita, thank you for your time and support! :hrtlegolove:

I’m still having the same problems as when it came into my life many years ago. I guess it’s related to childhood trauma. I’m seeing a therapist but I cannot talk with them about my addiction, not at all. I’m holding onto it so much. There’s nothing strong enough to keep me from engaging in the addictive behaviors. Not even the fact that people have died from what I’m doing to myself, too. It’s been another devastating day today. I don’t know how close I got to the point at which my body will just give up. In the preparation phase I already fear the pain I know I’ll feel. Even this doesn’t stop me. I’m pushing it to the extreme, but in the moment I don’t care. Sometimes I get scared. Since today’s been very bad, I was a bit worried. I wake up at night from my body being in pain (it’s still manageable though). And still I don’t care. After how it went today I feel like it’s not unlikely anymore I’ll die from it. And all I can think about is to repeat it tomorrow again.

Sorry for being that dramatic. I feel like I’m catastrophizing. I guess I just realized a bit that it might not end well at some point.

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dear friend
you’re battling your traumas and you’re using the tools you have on hand. When we’re used to a tool, we see it breaking down, getting gunky, hurting our hands from the material cracking, but we remain faithful to this tool that helped us get through so much.

The idea of getting a new tool, a totally different looking tool? Scary, not needed, not for me. The idea of learning how to operate a new tool, of learning that the things we thought we done correctly could be done so much better by this new tool? well, that’s kind of annoying and makes us feel bad.

This is what self-harming addictions are like - bad tools. Bad tools that we think help us, but are only making us believe that no other tool in the world can help us.

Let me ask you this. You’re being ‘faithful’ to your addiction, keeping it a secret, protecting it, not going too long without it.
But what are you getting back from it? Honestly, look at it, as objectively as you can. You’re hurting still, it’s become the source of stress and worry. You’re scared. Your days are consumed by thinking and planning for it.

Imagine how much more time you’ll have in your day if you didn’t have to think about it so much. Imagine being free from the pain and fear it’s actually causing you, when it was supposed to give you back control.

We care about you. I encourage you to reach out to someone and let them know about your addiction. you matter to us, and deserve to be as healthy and happy as you can be. When our tools and habits don’t work for us, we have to discard them. There are so many more ways to replace these habits now. Please be safe… it might be a horrible feeling to tell someone, or to go through withdrawal without it… but your life is worth fighting for.

edit to add:
and the folks that deal with addictions? They’ve heard it all. Cases way worse than yours, people far more invested in their addictions than you. There is going to be very little you could say that would make them surprise, or judge you negatively. The good thing about contacting someone who deal with the addiction is that they know a whole TON of tricks and tips and strategies that you and I can’t think of easily. They want to help you with this. Please consider joining a rehab group or telling your therapist. Professionals are trained, you’re not going to ‘shock or horrify’ them.

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Safe company. It may hurt my body, but not my feelings. It numbs them. I wouldn’t have made it through all these years without it. There isn’t one single person in my life. I cannot have anyone in my life. It’s impossible. Even online when a certain distance is crossed I have to withdraw or push others away.

Right now giving up the addiction would leave a vacuum behind. I don’t manage to do anything else because the pull of the addiction is so strong. I don’t know what that new tool would look like. Probably connection, some say it’s the opposite of addiction, but I don’t think this could be an option.

Thank you that you shared your thoughts on this.

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thank you for your reply.

I don’t know your story, but i trust that you understand the specificities of your situation well.
The truth is that right now, it’s difficult to guess what the new tools would be. You’re thinking it will leave a vaccum, but suppose it instead gives you a safe space to address your traumas? Connection may be one tool, but there would surely be another tool suited for your situation.

Please know that I’m not trying to force you to do one thing or the other, but to just put a reminder that sometimes we get tunnel-vision on what we know/our tools, and it’s hard to use our imagination for what else we could be doing.

There’s no harm in going to a couple meetings and seeing what’s out there as a new tool is there?

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I’ve been to several online meetings the last weeks and heard about tools for urges and how to cope in general. I just don’t care enough to not use the behaviors. The tools aren’t strong enough, not even close. I don’t know what has to happen. That’s probably the reason why today was scary because I felt the end might be nearer than I might have thought. Especially given my powerlessness with this.

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you’re not powerless friend. Addiction is a behaviour, and behaviours can be unlearned, amended, rewired in our brain.

Like any addiction, it is near impossible to imagine life without it, there is only bleakness. You haven’t tried any of the tools. What may look like being “not strong enough” may actually be “gentle”, and something you’re not used to. Imagine a smoker, who’s used to coughing mercilessly. The nicotine patch looks to be the stupidest idea ever, A thing you stick on your arm and that’s supposed to replace this violent reaction I have when i smoke? It sounds sooo stupid and silly, and doomed to not work. But it does help.

So maybe the tools you’ve heard about can be the patch for your addiction, but you can’t really know how much relief you’ll get because you never tried it out. i, personally, like having you here, and I care about you. I want you to live your best life possible. You matter.

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I tried the tools. They aren’t working for different reasons such as the self-destructive nature of my behaviors (compared to addictions that may be used in moderation). There has to be something strong enough that’s worth giving up the addiction. There’s nothing, and I really don’t care. (Depression isn’t helping either as Wings pointed out already.)

It’s the “same old story” because I can’t put anything up against it. I don’t care, not even today, realizing I might die from it rather sooner than later. If not even death can make a difference, I don’t know what else.

I’m sorry it’s frustrating. I’m stuck with it.

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there’s always the option to get yourself admitted somewhere and go through an in-patient program where you’re monitored and have less access to things to hurt yourself. If you want a “strong” tool, there’s that. One that will definitely work in the short term, and may give you a few days clean to remember what that was like. That sort of detox might help your brain see more alternatives that are possible for you.

If you’re at the point where you think you’re in danger from it because they’ve become dangerous to your life, this option is a solid one. It would also let professionals help you.

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Why?

[quote=“blini, post:4, topic:30358”]
There’s nothing strong enough to keep me from engaging in the addictive behaviors.

There has been nothing strong enough. There is no doubt about that. There is evidence that reinforces it. There HAS been nothing strong enough. That’s not the same as "there IS nothing strong enough. Is it better to say “I’m not there yet,” or “I can’t get there?” It is absolutely true that denying the possibility of recovery will make recovery impossible.

Take a deep breath. Relax your mind. Then ask yourself, “what is really true?”

If you found yourself on a deserted island, with enough food and water, but not much else, what would happen to you? You’d probably have a hard time, but after a few weeks, you would have a lot more peace of mind. You might lie on the beach and watch the clouds and the stars. You might get to know your surroundings, and find ways to make it feel like home. The purpose of this visualization is to remind yourself that you can exist and perhaps even become more authentically yourself, if you step outside of your current patterns of thought and behavior.

You know it’s true.

If you get scared, it proves that you care. That’s good news.

The world is full of stories about people who had completely lost hope, then, while in a state of absolute despair, a spark of insight appears. It may come in the form of self-knowledge, new ways of looking at things, or something else. When the same old story isn’t working for you, realize that you can write a new one. The flipside of despair is embracing the reality of what doesn’t work for you. That sets you free to discover what does.

You are not the same person you were last year. You’re not even the same person you were last week. We grow inside, even when were not aware of it. Experience changes us, as does new information. For that reason, tools that didn’t work before, stand a much better chance of working now.

I appreciate that you are answering our posts. There are hearts in the world reaching out to yours. Stay with us.

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Despite the excess on Monday and the fears I could die from it rather sooner than later, I couldn’t resist yesterday. My body is at its limit right now. I feel the pain. I know there’s something wrong. I know I have to stop that immediately. Not one more single day. My body might be closer to giving up as I was aware of. Given the amount of despair I finally brought myself to share what I’m doing to myself with someone. It’s been very helpful and relieving to not be with all that completely on my own anymore. Someone knows about this torture. I was so doubtful whether taking the risk of sharing, the shame, and the vulnerability were worth it. It was probably the most important step I’ve taken to recover. I’m so grateful for that.

I totally agree with you on this. Since I don’t have health insurance at the moment, it’s not an available option right now. I don’t think I’ll ever go to a treatment center again (been there 4 years ago and made very bad experiences), but I’ll have to take care of this cause my body feels like it may require some medical assistance at some point.

I’m not sure. Probably because I’m there as a real person. Even though it’s online and the therapist isn’t even in my country, I’m there with my personal data and background story. I think it’s too scary to share that much information with someone. Shame is a massive factor, too. I think it’s not working for me because not everyone is able to ask the right questions so that I’m not triggered heavily, which happens very easily.

Thank you for pointing that out. It’s true. My expectations of what I think “I care” looks like don’t define what “I care” can look like. So important to be aware of that.

That’s something I’m trying to realize. Questioning and discarding basically my entire system of beliefs and building a new one and not going back to old patterns. It’s hard to trust in the process when nothing is clear and when knowing isn’t there (yet). But going back means staying that sick and I simply won’t survive that.

Thank you so much for sharing this perspective. Just because I wasn’t able to make the decision yesterday doesn’t mean I can’t make it today. Reading this gave so much hope.

Today I make the decision to stay away from the addictive behaviors.

Thank you so much, Sita and Wings, for taking your time to reply to my posts! I appreciate your support.

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i hearitly applaud this decision!
Go out somewhere where you can’t do the behaviour. Don’t stay in the same room you normally do it, if there’s a certain time of day you feel the compulsion strongest, make a plan to do something else. Physically remove yourself from the place. This could help your brain and body realize there are other things to do!

Cheering hard for you today, friend, We’re here for you in this! <3

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So proud of you @blini. A huge lock has been unlocked - and that is an understatement.

Your bravery, strength and perseverance are remarkable.

We’re all rooting for you. We all believe in you.

Don’t lose sight of your strengths. This is all thanks to you. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you so much for your support. Shops are closed now, so I made it through the day. Yet another day 1. I’m so scared I don’t manage to make it through more days. My body isn’t okay, I hope this will get better. I don’t feel in control of this, which is so terrifying cause it is not unlikely I won’t survive this much longer.

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don’t try to look too far.

let’s pause and celebrate you, right now, in the moment.

you’ve gotten through day 1. a whole day.
I’m proud of you, and how hard you’ve tried today.

Let’s take it one day at a time, one moment then the next. We’re here for you!
Do you have plans for stuff to do for the rest of the day?

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I’m listening in an online recovery group meeting right now and later Dan’s stream. I’m just sitting and trying to cope with what my body is feeling like. I’m so terrified that I relapse, it’s crazy. I hope everything is okay.

I apologize in advance. I might come and post very often the next days. I’m so sorry. I hope it won’t be too annoying. My urges are horrible, I got to know them in the past.

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Post as much as needed. No apologies necessary. We’re in this with you.

Do you think you might need some medical check-in for your body/pain?

It’s okay to be scared of relapses and urges. And it’s actually not a bad thing - it is your instinct of survival at play there, and the knowledge that you don’t want those. That you don’t want the pain. On the other hand, what you might feel are emotions, and as painful as it can be, it’s not going to literally hurt you.

You are safe. You are in control.

Make sure to gather all the soft blankets, soft music, and distractions as you need. Keep some minutes here and there to do regular check-ins, to breathe deeply, and remind yourself that you are safe. Saying it out loud is okay too, and not ridiculous. :hrtlegolove:

Today has been a victory, friend. Well done. No need to worry about tomorrow for now.

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post twice an hour if that’s what you need!! We want this to be a safe space where you can express your feelings and be safe.

You got this friend, Dan’s stream sounds like a super plan!!

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