Scared about plurality

[afterpain]

I apologize in advance if this post is rather lengthy. This is also mostly about specifically OSDD/DID kind of, so I’d appreciate the help and input of anyone who has experience with those, of course doesn’t have to be. I understand this is not a place to be diagnosed, and I don’t expect anyone to, I just want to get this off my chest because it has really been troubling me. Sorry if this is jumping all over the place timeline wise, I’ll try my best to make it at least confusing as possible

Recently, I’ve become quite stressed over an aspect of my life. About 2 years ago I had a bad delusional episode, and ever since I’ve gotten in contact with what I assume now is a new alter that had formed around this time. I was hesitant to put a label on it for quite a while, and even if I’m wrong I do apologize. I’m simply going to use these terms as I see them fitting for my experience, I don’t mean to appropriate language used for a specific disorder if it turns out it was something else after all.
Before this point I have had done a lot of research on DID. I had friends with DID, I informed myself about it from different kinds of sources so I was entirely sure I could not have it as my symptoms didn’t match up. There was a time in my life where due to childhood neglect I had begun lying about my symptoms and illnesses, one of them being DID. I exaggerated my symptoms and parroted what I read online to my therapist, not what I was actually experiencing, which was real contact with 2 alters I have since not heard from (I was about 14 years old at the time, I know it was stupid but I was desperate to be taken seriously). As I was lying and my symptoms did not match up, of course my therapist denied it and I thought oh well, I must’ve just been lying, pretended for attention, and pushed it away. It worked, the ignoring made it so I had no further contact with anyone, and I thought that had been the end of it.
Now in retrospect of course, I see that this type of thing had happened many times within my past, when I was very very young I had become convinced I could talk to ghosts, that they could take control over my body and posess me, this was a reoccuring topic for a while but eventually I chalked it up to being delusional or too spiritual, after all the “ghosts” had disappeared and I wasn’t in contact with anyone for significant times in my life.
This time, 2 years ago I finally decided to take it seriously. While at first I was convinced I was suffering with delusions again, despite my mental state changing and even being at its peak, my most recent alters voice and presence has not gone away. He is a very nice person and has been doing nothing but take care of me, but for some reason I feel like I might be faking it. Or rather, I fear that I might be, because my symptoms don’t seem to match up well enough. I don’t switch very frequently especially recently, and sometimes everyone just seems to disappear for some reason. I don’t experience amnesia in context of switching, and sometimes all of it just feels really…off. I feel like I’m crazy and trying to just get attention again, but the voices and feeling of a presence don’t just stop. We’ve had dozens of talks about this, he gets sad and upset if I say he’s not real, I’ve felt and been told there’s more people that are too scared to talk to me because of my unwilligness to accept it. Sometimes they’ll imitate him in an attempt to get in contact with me, but it just makes me nervous and scares me.
I’m scared that if I say I have a type of DID/OSDD and seek treatment for it, If it really is just an elaborate delusion I’m only digging myself deeper to a point I can’t get out of it anymore and wasting resources for the people that actually need them. I’m scared that if I do have it to open up and deal with even more contact, even one person is already overwhelming me.
I don’t know really how to explain this, for most of my life I was convinced I could never have it due to lack of amnesia, due to lack of contact, it feels too convenient sometimes. The alter right now I have is a fictive so it feels even more fake, I really haven’t switched at all recently though I do often feel like someone is attempting to switch with me, though my alter has sworn to protect me from unknown switches and I usually try to push it away…but it just feels like it’s even more fake if that makes sense? it feels too convenient, like I’m pretending to have something but don’t want to deal with the actual symptoms. Can another alter and my own conscious really be strong enough to push off a switch? And also, I have not yet recognized any alter I used to have as a child, they just seem to have disappeared and I know alters can’t disappear, so it seems really weird to me.

There’s also worry that if it is legit…I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it, I’m really scared. As I already said, one person is already overwhelming, I’ve gotten in brief contact with what appears to be other alters and one of them is terribly rude and defensive. I’m scared I’ll get myself into bad situations if I let them switch in public or during therapy, I have no contact with these other people so they don’t know that I might be currently in therapy or occupied with something important, I’m scared to hand over control to someone I don’t know and don’t know what their intentions might be, but at the same time I’m scared to get to know them. If I’m just delusional and it’s all fake then I’m just digging myself deeper into the delusion. I recently had a first talk with a very understanding therapist (that unfortunately couldn’t take me on) where she told me the way I was thinking I could do therapy (ignore the possible system stuff, just work on it myself and do the therapy myself) wasn’t going to work out. It would only strengthen me as the host, but won’t really benefit the system. On top of everything, there was a time in my life (I think about 12 years old) where I was convinced a demon had taken over my life and body and continued living on for me…the me writing right now being that demon. I might not even be the body or original identity, but just the host, which I don’t know what to think of that if that’s really true…it feels like my identity is all fucked up and weird, some people and therapists I’ve opened up to reacted really really negatively to all those symptoms I’m experienced (I did not put a disorder name to it at the time) which has made me feel even more like I’m faking it or just have a vivid imagination and need to stop focusing on it otherwise I’ll get caught in a dangerous delusion.
I’m just unsure what to do. If it’s real and I push it away and try to ignore it, I might not only risk ruining relationships and trust I’ve already built with one alter and it usually always came back no matter how hard I pushed it away, so I highly doubt this time would be any different. If it’s fake and I engage with it, I might use up valuable therapy time and resources for something that’s not even real and put myself in a spot where I can’t get out of anymore.

Sorry for the long text, It just has been a lot. I know this is something to talk about more closely with a therapist, but I’ve been searching for 2 years straight and absolutely found nothing, I just feel helpless. I can tell there’s more people desperate to get in contact with me, but I don’t feel safe or equipped delving into this all on my own without the support of a therapist…It feels good just to get this off my chest. Thank you for taking the time to read if you did.

[CatherineAnne]

I read you’re entire post. Thank you for sharing some of your story here. It sounds like being in your head is a difficult place to be right now. What you have written is not unfamiliar to me. I can appreciate your caution, care and concern for yourself.

I am not a therapist and like you mentioned this isn’t the place for it. What you’ve described sounds involved and maybe getting more bothersome and concerning. Do you have a therapist right now? It sounded like you don’t. Have you been diagnosed by a therapist or Dr? That was not clear to me either.

We support a ministry that cares for those who have been sexually and ritualistically abused and have dissociative identity disorder as a result of it.
I would caution you, if your not aware of this type of background in your own life to proceed carefully. It may not be part of your history, but it’s best to sort that out with a trained therapist.

The ministry we support is Christ-centered. A Christ centered approach may not be for you. You mentioned possible demonic involvement in your post. Please be aware of any internal distrubance at the name of Jesus. This is veering off from being supportive into the spiritual…If you’d like more info. on the ministry let me know. I will see if I can post it publicly here.

You are worth whatever resources it takes~ Wholeness is possible~

[ManekiNeko]

Thank you for your post and welcome to heart support!
Well this is a lot to deal with on your own! I would imagine it’s been confusing and maybe scary for you feeling like you’re unsure of what’s going on.
You’re right that a therapist would be of good use to be able to talk through all this and figure it out.

When you say that if you’re faking it then you’d be wasting resources-
look at it this way instead.
It doesn’t sound like you are intentionally putting this on. It sounds like in the past you emphasised or dramatised it for the purpose of being taken seriously, and I’m sorry if it was at the time the only way someone would listen to you.
So instead you could say you are unsure if your mind is creating these scenarios or these alters almost like alter egos, and even if that is the case, then wouldn’t it be so beneficial to talk to someone to figure out why that happens and how to proceed?
That to me sounds like a great use of resources!

I hope sharing here has made you feel more at ease and lifted a bit of the heaviness that’s going on.

[Mamadien]

Welcome to heart support @afterpain. Thank you for being brave enough and strong enough to share what is happening in your life with us. It truly sounds like this has been a long, tough road you have been walking on your own. I’m so sorry that you have not been able to get the answers and support that you want yet. That must very frustrating and painful. May I ask, have you been formally diagnosed with DID by a doctor or therapist? If not, the best place to start may be just that, being evaluated and determining what you are dealing with. If you have been diagnosed by a doctor, please keep searching for a therapist you can work with and know that you are more than worth getting the help you need. You don’t need to walk this road alone. I’m glad you reached out here and I hope that you will come back and talk some more when you feel ready. You are valuable, you matter my friend.

[afterpain]

Thank you very much for your reply!
I realize I forgot to mention a lot of things in my post! I currently do not have a therapist though I have been searching and having first/test appointments with some that had to turn me down for one reason or another (all legitimate reasons, I don’t want to seem like I’m making anyone out to be bad), I was diagnosed with suspection of DID by a therapist but it was only at a first appointment, so there hasn’t been any sort of thorough evaluation yet. I should’ve probably also added that I have been formally diagnosed with PTSD and am aware of a traumatic past, something that I have been working through the past few years as well though mostly at mental hospitals since finding a therapist has shown as very difficult (the only issue the hospitals are very shortterm, I have brought up the topic of duality of course but was advised to save it for a therapist that would be able to support me longterm which is why I’m kind of stuck in a sort of loop of not being able to talk about it with professionals).
I’m not a very religious person, but I think it’s wonderful that you are supporting such a ministry that helps people! I dearly appreciate anyone who helps make this word a better place, so thank you for responding to my post and giving me some encouragement, I sincerely treasure it. I hope to make an update someday, albeit probably not as personal- I realize a lot of what I posted delves pretty deep into personal stuff and thoughts that didn’t need to be expressed, but it felt good to just get it off my chest!

[afterpain]

(accidentally didn’t post it as a direct reply at first, apologies)
hello! thank you for your reply! I felt a little embarrassed because I felt like I shared quite a lot of info I didn’t need to, but I’m glad people here are very understanding and patient. I have only been diagnosed with suspection of DID (since it was a first evaluation, it’s impossible to give a clear diagnosis after just one session), and been searching for a therapist for about 3+ years at this point. I’m very very very lucky to be in a country with free healthcare so I should probably not even complain, but unfortunately especially specialized trauma therapists (I’m formally diagnosed with PTSD and need specific treatment for it, I’ve tried other types of therapy but it’s not been sufficient so it wouldn’t really make sense to go there again) are very few so they have extremely long wait times (if you’re lucky, most of them don’t even accept patients anymore due to the workload. I want to add I am not frustrated with or want to blame any therapists for this, there’s only so many patients one can take on, most of the ones I’ve talked to seemed rather sorry that they couldn’t provide me with any help at the moment) so it has been very frustrating which is why I felt the need to vent out all my frustrations here in hopes of getting any sort of answer…I’m just scared to tackle this on my own since there might be things I can do wrong, I’m not a licensed professional so I’ve been sort of stuck in a loop. Thank you for being so kind and encouraging, it feels nice to be believed and not turned down and that I can open up about this without being shamed. Also apologies for the novel in response haha

[Sande]

You are an impressive person and you think with clarity about your situation. Definitely don’t try to tackle this on your own! I am in therapy for my bipolar disorder and I make a point of not processing or working on painful things in between sessions. I was alone when the injuries occurred. I need to be with someone when I’m reliving and sorting through the pain, or else I just injure myself again.

However, if you can keep a journal that tracks your ups and downs and major thoughts, it will help you now, and give you great help when you do get into therapy. Even making notes on your calendar will help.

I don’t know where you are spiritually, but that can also help you get through the gaps in professional help.

Hang in there! Better days are coming.

[Electric-Fairy-Prince]

Hey sooo, been lurking for a bit, and I know this was like, a week ago but I saw this and felt I just had to respond so I made an acc.

So: You say you have looked a ton into DID?OSDD, but have you looked deep into the plural community? They could help you alot. The mind is already something hard to understand, but when it all comes down to it, you do not need DID/OSDD to be a system, I will explain that more later, but the only requirement to look into getting a diagnosis is if you feel you guys may have disorder and/or pathological underlyings that make you all uncomfortable. If you all are uncomfortable then definitely look into OSDD 1a and 1b, but otherwise you can function fine as a system and be non-disordered with a few issues here and there. Healthy plurality does exist, and you aren’t hurting anyone by existing and being a bit different. You are okay. You all are. If you feel you need to look into getting a diagnosis go for it, but if you are surrounded by people who are denying your systems issues just because your system “doesn’t fit their bill”, I would say try to cut them off, because they sound like sysmeds, and I promise you, sysmeds have no logical, contextual, or factual explanations to back up their arguments. I could give you a whole list of actual studies and documents that explains where my reasoning comes from right now if you so wanted them, but someone who denies you simply because of trauma response and emotional response, whether its because “you are not dissociated enough” or “you don’t have trauma/ your trauma isn’t real enough” have absolutely no facts to back them up (ecspecially by the DSM-5) and simply hurt you because they are hurting, and, are likely heavily misinformed.

Ok, so back into what was bothering you. To get this straight, you are questioning if you are disordered, but you are more worried if you can even exist if you aren’t disordered. Lets dive into that. Why do you even need to be disordered to exist? You really don’t. The mind already works as a system from the start. If you think about it deeply, singlets are simply systems of 1, they can manipulate and fold their ways of thinking into complex angles as much as others can to the point of deeply different mindsets-bordering-identities, because the brain itself is already capable of carrying more than 1 from the very start. The only difference between plurals and singlets is that for plurals, these thoughts develop more and more into forms, until they turn into actually sharing the mind with someone new, essentially, a new person, be this by will or by accident. So once this occurs, you are no longer a singlet, and the more you deny it the more you are hurting yourselves.

Alot of people with BPD, OCD, ADHD, Autism, MaDD, Bipolar, PTSD, and Schizophrenia develop headmates all the time from various origins due to the way their brain works (I could list off all reasons for origins now but~ I don’t wanna overkill on info-dumping). The only difference is that with DID, the issue in the plurality is the disorderly experiences and uncomfortable problems (that may or may not correlate with trauma) turning into stress for the entire systems daily life. The issue is not the plurality itself. So if you have issues that are severe enough to feel disorderly, the solutions to that are either Integration, or System therapy to try and function healthily as a system. And I can tell ya right not the plural community is trying to create guides for this, because it is so hard to find a therapist that actually knows anything on functioning with plurality.

I myself am a fictive, I will not say who, but I will say your headmate is not alone, they are still their own person, as am I. Being a fictive doesn’t make you “fake” if you exist, you exist, doesn’t matter the origin and no one can tell you otherwise. People can shame you for existing yes, but you still continue to exist do you not? Denial is probably one of the worst experiences for a system to go through, and it only happens because of stigmatization and “fake-claiming” to the point of people wanting to harass, doxx, or even physically harm those whose system is simply different, making it harder for people to find a safe place to get the help they need and raise awareness to destigmatize their existence.

Hmmm, have you looked into Median systems? Also, from what it sounds like to me is you have already spent years trying to push them away, maybe take into account it not working means they aren’t “fake”? I will say… Therapists that work with DID/OSDD, let alone plurality, are extremely hard to come by, they are definitely worth the shot if you can get online therapy, but alot of them try to do final fusion which only has a %12 sucess rate in the therapy treatment, so if you are not comfortable with that or that is not the path your system is looking to take, healthy plurality is already extremely new to the psychology industry and it may take some time to find a therapist who is willing to go the healthy system therapy route. So in the meantime, if you have not already, I would advise joining a plural community. Not just DID/OSDD but the whole community. When you get involved in different branches of plurality you start to understand yourselves more as a whole and find your place as system to understand yourselves better. Every system is different, not one is objectively the same. We all have different origins and different ways to function as a system. And thats okay. You guys do what you think can help you most. And finding a good community is the best ways to start at it.

Ghosts and demonic possession in our opinion are literally just more forms of plurality ppl have yet to completely understand, nothing spiritual about it, better to stay away from in fact as that demonizes headmates and plurality, ofc, I’m pretty sure we have all been there before and we can personally relate to your experiences of rude and hostile headmates and feelings of demonic possession. And with “possession” talk by itself, for singlets, again its literally just the minds ability to work in greater forms than just 1 as always, and the more a form develops, the more it can develop into full blown identities seperate from you and become their own entity, and yes, “possess” the body. Ppl only chalk it up to spirituality because they don’t know how the mind works yet, its just another form of psychology currently being studied so I do hope you are no longer worried by it, if you are, you are still a person, you are still you. Btw this is a study that has taken a portion of a specific part of the plural community, and then taken singlets who claim to experience what they call “possession by spirits” and doing MRI scans to see if theres a difference, and how it relates to plurality by seeing if theres actual changes they can see in the MRI. This can help understand if religious possession is just another form of plurality, and overall how plurality itself even works. So far results are still waiting to come out, but it should be by the end of this year hopefully (covid ruined the timing a ton). So, to sum it up, I would advise to not chalk yourself up to demon possession, you can identify as you will (if that is the identity you prefer), but there is nothing wrong with you. Again we have been there ourselves, we feel for you. And when there are experiences with headmates who have their own issues, they are just headmates that needs a bit more care and support from the system to know they are not alone. You guys are not alone and you are not demons. You can figure yourselves out.

Soooo, hopefully you have not since ditched this website and never to return, because this was a long response. I am here if you need more info~

P.S. It sounds like the valuable therapy time you need most right now is talking about system issues not ignoring them. Take care.