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Scared of my future (trigger warning)

I’m really struggling in college rn. I don’t know if I can do it, but I feel like I have no choice. I feel like if I stop my life will fall down a steep rabbit hole into chaos, that I will lose myself and someone else will replace me. Turning 18 soon, the thought of being an adult kind of scares me. I don’t… Want bad things to happen. I don’t want to fail, but I don’t think I can continue. I’m seriously thinking of dropping out. But if I do, wtf will I do with my life? I’m scared of becoming a completey different person. I’m scared of giving up. I don’t have a plan B, I don’t have time for a plan B. My depression grows every day, and the more I do this the more I wonder if I should have killed myself when I had the chance. I’m too stupid for this shit. I can’t pay attention and my mind refuses to. But I don’t know what else I would do. Fuck, I’m not even 18 yet man. I just want a break from life, I’m too immature for college and I can tell. But I don’t know what to do. My two options are keep going or die. The third is to give up, and just lose my shit to chaos. I do not want that. For the love of god no. But what else do I do? Im not allowed to kill myself, I’m not allowed to do what makes me happy in life, then wtf do I do? I’m… Idk if I’m ready to grow up… It’s terrifying to think about. Why can’t I just die? Maybe I can move out of this state and get legal euthanasia. Idfk. Thankfully I think I know someone who can help me with that but idk if they’re willing. I just don’t see a future without this option. I don’t know where my life goes. Everything is a blur. I can’t see. I wish I could do this, but this little mind of mine can’t take it. I might just stab my neck soon. The scratches were just a practice. If I can’t continue with this school. I guess that’s my only option, just so I don’t do anything else stupid.

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fun fact even my highly successful great grandpa who didnt have a college degree would go from being a millionaire to broke over night… this happened multiple times… he found something he loved and stuck with it but even at 90 years old said he didnt know what he wanted to be still

you arent required to be or do anything! although there are real world consequences for our actions so always make the best decision for you even if its short term.

i grew up with ranchers so ive been working long hours since i was very young and thats all i knew

i hated school and felt like it was a waste of time so refused to apply myself other than graduating high school. it took me untill i turned 32 to actually desire to learn more… I fell in love with what I do now ( occupational safety and health) and wanted to be the best I could be so Im currently going to college.

so dont worry about tomorrows problems and never try to solve a long term issue in a day. you take on a burden that is a life long task and get crushed by the enormity of it.

look at elon musk who actively talks shit about college… controversial opinion but is highly successful

even Gary Vaynerchuk says The clouds —the high-end philosophy of what you believe—and the dirt —the low-down subject matter expertise that allows you to execute against it. Forget about everything else.

what most would consider a failure becuase of his grades in school now is crazy successful…

find what you love and do it! dont get stuck in everyones expectations of how YOU should live your life or what YOU should do… ive met happier homeless people than someone whos a millionaire…

just understand that “what we do echoes in eternity” - Marcus Aurelius

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