I know, just yesterday I said, things were going well. Guess I jinxed it.
My friend keeps going on and on about they want to kill themselves. I keep on saying over and over again, that they should, or more like, need to consider getting help. Another friend hasn’t responded to my messages in a while. I don’t know, if they are even alive anymore. They attempted two times already.
This shit is eating me up inside. At the same time, I’m kinda glad for this apathy inside me. But I also hate it. It keeps me from actually, really feeling.
And in all honesty? I’m scared of myself. I’m scared of what I could do to myself. I’m not stable. Not at all. I really don’t wanna die. I just want to disappear for a while. Not forever. But just the sound of it seems to tempting to me. I don’t really have much holding me back. And I hate that. I’m scared, that once slip into an episode again, I might actually attempt something, like I did a while ago. Back then, I could keep myself from it, in the last second.
God, I can’t even describe this madness inside me anymore. I feel not like myself. I feel like two people. One that wants to end it all so badly, while the other wants to live. It’s a constant war, killing me slowly.
Please don’t give up. I hear you. This is a constant battle with the self and a constant back and forth. But, like you said yourself, you don’t really want to die. Correct me if I’m mistaken, but it sounds like you just want to time to stop and rest for a while? Take a breath and just be for a bit? Don’t give up. I can empathize with what you mean when you say you’re glad for the apathy in you. It’s so, so easy to just stay apathetic and I’ve found that it can be “comforting,” in an ironic way. Still though, we can’t let ourselves become apathetic, and I’m telling you this as much as I’m telling myself. You are so strong- for real. You’ve been taking care of yourself, being aware of yourself and your thoughts and feelings, and trying to take care of your friends as well. Please know that your courage does not go unnoticed and you deserve to be proud of that.
I really encourage you to also seek the help that you are suggesting to your friend. Perhaps you taking care of yourself this way would encourage them to also do the same? If it is a crisis, then it needs to be treated as one- for your friends, and for yourself. You deserve to heal, you deserve to be heard, and you deserve help. Please remember that it’s not on you (and I know it’s hard) no matter what decisions your friends make. However, I truly believe you can make decisions that can keep you safe, and perhaps that would be one way to also help your friends.
You, and your friends, are dearly loved. We love you, we support you, and we’re here for you.