Some nights when I sleep, I get this (for lack of a better word) nightmare. It’s always the same and behaves a bit like a video game cutscene. Strange how it doesn’t get boring, even after having it for about 2 weeks and then some. Probably a good thing, the day this nightmare becomes anything less than purely terrifying is the day I know something is wrong.
A door in front of me. Past the door a white hallway to the left, the right side is a dead end with a green framed window but there’s nothing outside. There’s fluorescent lights above that give a mildly unsettling feeling. Just before the hallway turns, there’s a fire extinguisher (trust me this becomes plot relevant), pretty much the only other thing I can interact with here. Around the corner I’m locked in, forced to hurt my friends in full color, high quality graphics. I’ll save the details.
I’m afraid that one day I’ll just lose control and hurt (both emotionally and physically) the people around me. I know and dislike that this is somewhat irrational, it’s very hard for a 90% (don’t worry, the other 10% comes from sleep deprivation) functioning person to suddenly snap and lose it completely.
Most nights is now a battle. Me with that fire extinguisher, trying to beat back my fears. Dreams are weird. So far it’s only worked twice, and it leaves me exhausted when I wake up. Sometimes I try different things to get myself past this level of sleep. My most consistent strategy is the speed run. It is what it is, run down the hall, turn the corner, get past it. I feel bad though, I feel bad for my friends for rushing through this, even though none of it is real. It just feels like something I shouldn’t rush, feels too cold.
Some nights I get lucky, I’m tired enough to crash on the bed and fall asleep almost instantly.
I don’t like how my subconscious does this to me, I don’t like how I even have this thought. It does nothing good for me, only makes me afraid to sleep.
Sometimes doing certain things just plane shifts me back to this nightmare, even for only a split second, it’s beginning to affect my performance.