My mother took me to a clinic that specializes in eating disorders. I was assessed and told about the treatment I will soon be receiving.
I will have to attend their “alternative school” from 8-3:30, for who knows how long. I’ll have to be among other patients. I’ve already started the “meal plan”, which consists mainly of my fear foods.
I have the constant threat of hospitalization. It’s the only reason I eat. I’m terrified of hospitals and specifically needles and feeding tubes. This fear has put even more stress on me.
I feel like I’m being raised like livestock; being fattened up. It’s already enough that I have to eat, but being basically institutionalized on top of that is too much for me.
I know that someday this will be forgotten, and I will carry out my plans without interference. However, that wait is painful, and so is treatment.
I don’t want to kill myself, I see too much potential in life. Should I run away? I don’t see any other option.
Running away wouldn’t be a solution. I’m glad to know that your mother is now aware of what is going on. I know it feels like she is trying to sabotage you because it goes again your will to lose weight at any price. But what she is trying to do is to help you. She cares about you, just like us here. I don’t know if threatening you to get hospitalized is the right way to do this but sometimes we need to be “shaked” by people who care about us. Sometimes we are so trapped in a bunch of lies that we need others to make the right decisions for us. Especially when our health is involved.
Working on your fears about food is definitely something you need right now. Even if it’s difficult at first, the idea is to help you to recreate a healthier relationship with food. It’s normal if you’re in a position of waiting the “after”, when you’ll be free of any constraint or, at least, what you see as being constraints. I’d like to encourage you to work on this wait and to let it go. You’ll need to focus on the present and what you can actually do to improve your situation and your health. This is an opportunity for you to get rid of your fears and develop a loving relationship with food, with yourself. It’s hard. It really is. I hear your fears and your uncertainty. This is new for you and it goes against the lies you’ve been telling yourself for a certain time now. But you can do this. And we’re gonna be here for you along this process.
And you’re right, there is a potential in life. In your life. You have the right to resist. But you also have the possibility to allow yourself to heal. To face what is actually hurting you. You’re gonna be okay, friend. You’re not trapped, even if it feels like this.
Sending much love your way.