Scared thinking I can never live on my own

[DarthKy]

**Hi there **
I introduce myself, I’m María, I want to say hello and thanks for the existence of this space and people in it. I have been following it for a long time and feeling support with your talks and above all to feel identified with so many people. It makes me sad to read how bad people have it but I am glad that we are not alone and there are people who can and want to help.
I’ll try to resume, I have finally decided to write here and the truth is I have a lump in the throat that holds my tears every time I want to explain about myself, so i will avoid details.

The point is I don’t see myself living on my own, and it’s the biggest problem. I’ve spent my whole life surviving instead of living and, getting closer to my 30s, I didn’t really start to be myself until recently. I have always led my life according to others wanted, manipulated and letting myself be carried away,
for many reasons; fear, trauma (the hard childhood that marks you forever…), anxiety, depression, I also spent many years that I just wanted to die, until it was like my mind wanted but not me, and fought against her all the time, very scared because I didn’t know how that could be possible.

Now I have nothing, but I want to have it and I want to get ahead, although think otherwise at times. But, still in the good mood, I always end up thinking that if I didn’t have my mother to support me, I couldn’t do it by myself. Attitude comes and goes, and I can’t control it, I never know how I’m going to feel. Even when I feel hopeful It overwhelms me so much and fear and anxiety soon return.

This year I think finally have opportunity to study for my future, and I’m very afraid that those bad days will throw everything away, if I fail now, there will be no future for me.
The situation in my house is complicated, it’s just as bipolar as everything… and although I know good people, I don’t have anyone enough close to help me, or understand me, the worst thing to me is the social issue. That’s why everything has always so difficult to me, and now I’m not able to have friends or have two conversations with someone without having muuch anxiety, to the point of overwhelming me at the thought that someone might speak to me.
It makes me feel that it’s very difficult to me to live in society, and it’s essential to have a job and live in this world, so…

Nobody around me understands my tastes, my personality, so introverted, because all my life I have
forced to try to be the opposite (which has completely destroyed me). It happens, people who understand you is far away, notice that I’m from Spain and I found this community through the theme of music, and it’s the one where I’ve seen the most real support.

The thing is I feel that now I have a whole life to compensate and recover and it overwhelms me a lot, I know I have to go little by little but I try to do things and I cannot.
Now it’s like I should feel better, but I’m even more afraid than before because of the fact I want to have a future and show my true self, it stop you a lot that people around don’t want or believe in changes, I cannot run away from everything and start from scratch in the same place and the same people, it makes me keep relapsing into feeling bad if I don’t put the needs of others before my own.

I’m sorry, I know I have rambled a lot and a lot of context is missing, but I can’t talk about all without crying and it’s a lot to explain. I hope I haven’t extended too much, and whoever reads it and even answer it, I let them know it helps me a lot and I appreciate it.

Thanks again for being there people like you all, that even with our battles each one of us is able to help others in whatever way.
In fact, what I want the most is to be so fine that I am able to help others, is my true dream, and to be able to collapse as is happening to me right now but with joy, to be able to help anyone like nobody could do it for me.

Happy new year to all, and my best wishes so we can all live being ourselves
and happy with it.

Thanks for all

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hi @DarthKy Hi Maria its really nice to meet you, thank you for posting.

It sounds like you have a lot in your mind that you are trying so hard to manage, I am going to start with how glad I am that you are here and that have found the strength to share your feelings its a lot to start writing isnt it? but once you do start it gets easier.

@DarthKy

The point is I don’t see myself living on my own, and it’s the biggest problem. I’ve spent my whole life surviving instead of living and, getting closer to my 30s, I didn’t really start to be myself until recently. I have always led my life according to others wanted, manipulated and letting myself be carried away,
for many reasons; fear, trauma (the hard childhood that marks you forever…), anxiety, depression, I also spent many years that I just wanted to die, until it was like my mind wanted but not me, and fought against her all the time, very scared because I didn’t know how that could be possible.

This paragraph i s interesting to me, I understand why you would have a fear of living alone if you have led the last almost 30 years not being able to make your own decisions or learning how to manage to survive without being told how to, that is a frightening prospect for anyone and yes certainly that childhood thing is real and can cause countless emotional and physcial problems in adulthood that you are now having to cope with and I am very sorry that you are having to deal with that, its not the way you should have to start adulthood and certainly not the way to begin life out on your own, that should be a new and exciting adventure not something that terrifies you. I have found this online and hope it could be useful for you.

Tips for living alone from mental health experts

Making sure you are properly taking care of yourself and your personal needs is the key to thriving in a solo living environment. Check out these top tips from mental health experts on how to stay mentally well and incorporate proper self-care while living alone.

1. Stay connected

One of the best ways to tend to your mental well-being while living solo is by staying connected to others. Humans thrive off of connection with others, so making sure you aren’t isolating yourself is a crucial part of staying healthy and balanced.

“Have regular get-together times with others at your place, and theirs,” says clinical psychiatry educator Elizabeth Powers. “This helps you stay connected to others, one of the key ways to help strengthen your inner life.”

Phoning or texting a friend, getting to know your neighbors and engaging in group activities with people who share the same interests as you are other great ways to keep in touch with those around you.

2. Keep your place organized

When you have no one else but yourself to hold you accountable, cleaning can tend to be pushed to the back burner. However, many experts believe that keeping your place clean and tidy is super important while you live alone.

“Keep your place as neat and clean as possible,” explains clinical psychologist Dr. Nancy Irwin. “Many folks living alone (tend) to let that go, and this is an unhealthy way to live both physically and psychologically.”

Keeping your place organized and clutter-free has many psychological benefits. For one, it makes you feel like you’ve gained control over your environment while simultaneously boosting your mood and helping you find a sense of calm.

Make it a habit to clean up after yourself and put things away when you aren’t using them. Other great ways to keep your place nice is by letting in natural light, cracking a window for some fresh air and incorporating aromatherapy with candles or relaxing essential oils.

3. Develop a morning routine

Living alone brings you freedom, but be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking you can do whatever you want with an unhealthy structure. “Lack of structure inevitably leads to stress, as time flies by and you wonder what happened to your day. That’s why it’s important to have a morning routine,” explains licensed psychotherapist Michael Ceely.

Have a set time you wake up each morning and practice a ritual that makes you feel productive and ready for the day. Instead of sleeping in and scrolling through your phone for hours, try getting up early, making your bed and exercising or journaling.

4. Adopt healthy habits

When you live alone, it’s easy to stay up all night, binge Netflix and indulge yourself with too many cheese puffs — we won’t judge. Although, it’s important to instill healthy habits so you can avoid the negative effects that can come from doing that too often.

Stay on an adequate sleep schedule and diet to ensure you are keeping yourself healthy and happy. “When you live alone, it can be tempting to order food constantly instead of cooking,” says Dr. Bryan Bruno, the Medical Director for Mid City TMS. “This can have a negative impact on your mental health as well as your wallet. Cooking your own meals gives you an activity to implement into your routine and saves you money.”

Not only that, but exercising regularly, whether it be weight lifting, yoga or even a brisk walk around your neighborhood, are all great ways to boost your endorphins and relieve stress.

5. Get a companion

Everyone needs interaction. Even if you aren’t necessarily a “people person,” it’s great to have something to connect with. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Cali Estes, advises adopting an animal or even getting a plant. “Something that depends on you to live is important to have in the house. You can interact, talk and be alone without being lonely.”

Even if you don’t want the responsibility of a pet for the long-term, fostering an animal is a great option. If you aren’t an animal person or your apartment isn’t pet-friendly, get a houseplant to care for.

6. Be kind to yourself

You’re likely your own harshest critic. Psychotherapist, Michael Ceely, explains, “Everyone has an inner voice that produces a running commentary of our lives. This commentary, also known as self-talk, is typically negative for most people. When living alone, there is no other person to interrupt our self-talk, so it’s easy to get caught up in self criticism.”

It’s important to notice when we start to negative self-talk and replace it with something positive. Try listening to music, a podcast or a happy movie instead.

Mental health specialist, Kelly Marzoli, also suggests distracting yourself with things that make you feel productive. “Practice mindfulness, do breathing techniques, meditate and practice positive affirmations.”

Learning how to properly take care of yourself, both physically and mentally is an essential part of successfully living alone. Use this self-care checklist to help you keep track of your needs and mental well-being.

I would also encourage you go and see your doctor and talk to them about some talk therapy about your anxiety and depression if you havent done that already with regards also to dealing with your past, I think it would really be benificial to you.
I love the fact that you the opportunity to study this year and hope that you can do that. I dont know exactly what the situation is with the colleges or uni but there are support service and Campus Service Centers where you can get help if you have problems with your mental health that affect your work, they will understand, please do not let that put you off getting out there and taking chances.
Im sorry you have no one around you that understands you, it must very difficult to express yourself when you feel like that, but please be rest assured that here you are understood, accepted and valued. You have found friends and are welcome here anytime.

@DarthKy

The thing is I feel that now I have a whole life to compensate and recover and it overwhelms me a lot, I know I have to go little by little but I try to do things and I cannot.

That feeling must be incredibly overwhelming, you do not have to compensate for the last almost 30 years, you have many years ahead of you that can be filled with many many happy memory making moments so try to focus on the future now and leave the past where it belongs if you can.
I belive in you friend and trust that you have a good future ahead of you a look forward to hearing all about it.
Much Love Lisa. xx

[DarthKy]

Good morning @Lisalovesfeathers !, first of all thank you very much for taking time to answer me and for your words,
even looking for information that is useful to me, ^^. There are many things, yes, that is why I feel bad not having been able to explain more so that it is better understood the situation.

@Lisalovesfeathers

1. Mantente conectado

Una de las mejores formas de cuidar su bienestar mental mientras vive solo es mantenerse conectado con los demás. Los seres humanos prosperan con la conexión con los demás, por lo que asegurarse de no aislarse es una parte crucial para mantenerse saludable y equilibrado.

“Tenga reuniones regulares con otras personas en su casa y en la de ellos”, dice la educadora de psiquiatría clínica Elizabeth Powers. “Esto te ayuda a mantenerte conectado con los demás, una de las formas clave de ayudar a fortalecer tu vida interior”.

Llamar por teléfono o enviar mensajes de texto a un amigo, conocer a sus vecinos y participar en actividades grupales con personas que comparten los mismos intereses que usted son otras formas excelentes de mantenerse en contacto con quienes lo rodean.

First this, is the one I have more complicated. I recently got rid of, finally, a lot of people who
it made me sick, I feel that until I know how to be myself without the condition of others I will not be able to socialize at ease, even with nice people, I guess I am very burned.
It’s not that I’m looking for perfection, far from it, but I’m tired of adapting to others in any aspect.
As time passes, I suppose I will meet people with my tastes and hobbies, but while I feel more comfortable doing everything alone. That is, I have isolated myself but in a good way, and the truth is what has done me the greatest good, as the article say and the truth is, you have to be in contact with the world, so I feel like forced to do it.

As a child in school all of us thought I was autistic, then that I was simply very shy, I never spoke nor did anyone approach me. Well it all led to a tremendous social phobia in which I could go weeks without speaking and my mouth ache doing so. Sometimes I wanted to do it but I was paralyzed, and I knew that this was not normal, but people around me just judged him and far from helping, they were making feel worst, and I knew it. Now I know I was very introverted and forcing everyone to be an extrovert led me to limits of anxiety, you can imagine, sure. Now people just give me panic, but it’s not out of shame or insecurity, I don’t know why it is, out of innate habit I suppose.

Well, everything else, having everything organized, a routine (very important), and other healthy habits, I have achieved it, more or less, and I am doing it, even if at home others make it difficult for me. But I know everything I want and have to do when I live alone to stay sane (the theory is easier, well), even having pet, (now I have some plants that I look after with great enthusiasm), but my dream is having my dog ​​(and more animals), I know that living with my faithful friend would be life what I want, but to get all of that I have to go through things that I don’t I look capable even now. I need to study, not die of anxiety, then get a work, a stability that allows me to have my own flat, and everything else.
Shopping, even talking to people out there, most of the time, it gives me panic just thinking about stepping on the street.

@Lisalovesfeathers

También le animo a que vaya a ver a su médico y hable con él acerca de alguna terapia de conversación sobre su ansiedad y depresión, si aún no lo ha hecho con respecto a lidiar con su pasado, creo que realmente sería beneficioso para usted.

I go to the psychologist when I can and with her I got rid of a lot of my past in my thoughts, if I think about it now I can’t even imagine what it was like be so bad before, it’s a big step I guess but now I’m at the end and that’s when I really everything matters, and I’m not ready yet. I was also medicated for a long time but the secondary effects causes me problems in the end were worse than the depression itself, and those ruined more physical problems for me. That is another story, when the pain apart from mental is physical, it is more exhausting. (I carry with knee pain for 5 years, and literally pain of everything, I keep doing tests, but the genetic antecedents are there, osteoarthritis, tinnitus (the worst one) circulation problems, the tensed tendons… when i wake up in the morning my hands hurt just to get the blanket off of me, I try not thinking and not talking about it, but sometimes it is very discouraging for my weak mental stability).

Sorry for ramble a bit, there are so many things, and many more that I never talk about, people
just think that you complain yourself by playing the victim, or that you are weak-minded, you know.

@Lisalovesfeathers

Me encanta el hecho de que tengas la oportunidad de estudiar este año y espero que puedas hacerlo. No sé exactamente cuál es la situación con las universidades o la universidad, pero hay servicios de apoyo y centros de servicio del campus donde puede obtener ayuda si tiene problemas con su salud mental que afectan su trabajo, ellos lo entenderán, por favor no deje que eso ponga que salga y se arriesgue.
Lamento que no tengas a nadie a tu alrededor que te comprenda, debe ser muy difícil expresarte cuando te sientes así, pero ten la seguridad de que aquí eres comprendido, aceptado y valorado. Has encontrado amigos y eres bienvenido aquí en cualquier momento.

Anxiety never let me continue studying no matter how hard I tried, even if I like to do it, so now what I can do is sign up for a paid course. I will be able do it because I managed to work and save money, which is all I will spend on the course, that’s why it’s more overwhelming. The job was given to me by my family because they had to take care of my grandfather, I mean, I didn’t even get it myself, but I earned it because I literally gave everything I had in it. This part is really important, because for the first time in my life I felt happy (two years ago), I was euphoric, full of energy and hope, and I did everything super well and with enthusiasm, it was what I wanted. But it disappeared. My family disappointed me and I felt even more alone in the world, if I tell you the atmosphere of the house where I took care of my grandfather you would freak out a lot, but I’ll just say that it started me again the anxiety attacks, they came to me even though I was fine and thats attacks scared me a lot, “again like this, no!”, I had to get out of that environment and it took me 3 horrible months because my family didn’t take it seriously. They told me that simply when I had the attack I would go to the hospital … sure, struggling to breathe and calm down, screaming, crying, it was easy just go to the hospital … well, I ended up being the bad one, as always.
All that tore me apart, and since then I haven’t felt that energy again, it left again even now being in my house, I have been able to rest but I have not allowed it and now I can not, my mother does not have it
easy either and I can’t be without doing anything (my brother has schizophrenia, he got the worst
part in our childhood, and in genes, so we all need help …exhausting).

Well I think I have already told my life enough, hehe, I suppose it helps, also people see you
bad but “living well” and does not know everything behind it. It is often said "think there are worse people than you ", and I think about it, but that only makes me sadder because I can empathize very deeply, I am also too empathetic and hypersensitive, I suppose you can know how hard it is to be like . The good things feels incredible, yes, but the bad feels very deep.

I have to say that I have gone out to the balcony with the laptop to write this (it sounds like luxury, hehe, also even being in December it is sunny and that feel me better, even it makes me angry because actually I like cloudy and rainy weather, but he didn’t like me ^^ '), something
I always want to do, change of ambient, but I end up alone locked in my room.
Thank you very much @ Lisaw1973 for your support and your welcome, I am very excited of, I also like to cry for being excited or happy about things, here we express the bad but there are also good things, I suppose, you have to focus on them, but without help it is sometimes difficult to do it.

Good day!

[DarthKy]

I was very good at English but by not practicing now I have lost a lot of skill (if it is difficult for me to speak in general imagine you in another language ). I apologize if some things sound badly structured or badly written. This also helps me to practice so that I can have my opportunity outside of my country, something very important to me as well. Thanks for that too

[Lisalovesfeathers]

I can assure you that you have done an amazing job with your english, I however could not get past hello in another language. I want to spend time reading your reply properly so will respond a little later to you. I am really pleased you are here.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hiya, thanks for the reply. I think if you have rid yourself of unhealthy friendships that is a good thing, anyone who cannot happiness, respect and honesty to your life and accept you for who you are is not someone you need in it although I am pleased you are not looking for perfection as that would only bring disapointment, you don’t necassarily have to adapt to everyone you meet but I think there will always be an element of compramise in most things when it comes to varying personalities. That is one true beauty of living on your own though, you have no one to compamise for, you can do exactly what you want, when you want to in your own home.

I have always lived alone and am happy that way and I would be lying if I said that to me isolation was a bad thing however there is a lot to be said for having good communication of some kind with other people and just by talking to you here you express yourself in such a joyful and open way, I can’t help but think this is a great way for you to be social without the pressures involved in going into groups, being here at Heartsupport has opened up a massive amount of opportunities for me to meet people, make friends and be open.

Reading what you have said about your therapy and psychologist, i hope you dont mind me saying that im really proud of what you have accomplished, you have really put the work in and it sounds like it has paid off. Unfortunately that doesnt solve your physical problems and I hope that your doctor is on board with those and treating you accordingly.That in itself can drag you down causing depressive thoughts and anxiety.

I am truly sorry that your family have been so unsupporting of you, it sounds like you really have done your very best to fulfil all the needs within your family and feel like you have had little support in return. I do hope you know that having anxiety and anxiety attacks are not your and with practice can be help a lot. www.powerofpositivity.com/stop-panic-attacks-techniques/ they are frightening but thankfully should not need hospital treatment.

I hope some of this puts your mind at rest, I am truly no expert on any of this, I am someone who has like many people here has experience of some of the issues you have spoken of.
I wish you lots of luck and of course we are here if you want to talk about anything else.
Much Love
Lisa.

[DarthKy]

Hi @Lisalovesfeathers . I hope you are having a good day, :). Thank you for your words and your support.

Reading all this coming from you makes me realize several things, I will say the good ones;
It seems that I am on the right way even though it is still long and hard, so I will work
in all of that and I will focus on what I am achieving. I’ll try to have these words
and certain items on hand to help cheer me up on days when I only I want to give up and die.

It’s important to surround yourself with people and things in general that do you good, of course. I’m glad you live alone and happy in your own way!, it is not the same to isolate yourself in a bad way than simply enjoy your own company, that’s the best. It’s true that online is easier for us, it may be a way of open up more comfortable to the world, I guess. Here you find people who really give you hope in society, so it’s great, the truth is that it saves me.

Anyway, just say thank you for everything and I will continue here, feeling I’m not
alone, that there are people who understand and helps. I hope everything goes very well, I know you deserve it, I love meeting you and everyone here.
Hugs and lots of love.