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Scary depression

I’ve had depression for almost 12 years now. It’s been brutal and I struggle to find answers. I’ve been relentless with doctors, forcing them to test for every little thing. All my test keep coming back normal. Then I had a depressive episode that was worse than anything I’ve ever felt before. I now understand what could make a person bold enough to commit suicide. The feeling I felt overwhelmed me-beyond any feeling of fear for what’s next or whom I may hurt. I was incapable of thinking even a second ahead. It was like how I’d imagine hell to be if it were just mental. Without going into detail I’ll say. I was in the act of suicide when it stopped. I found out about PMDD. I think that’s what’s been happening. I’m terrified of my next episode. The fear I have, waiting for my next depressive episode is making me depressed. I went to a doctor and was admitted after expressing that fear. I just don’t feel like doctors can help me anymore, not after what I felt. So I am just sitting here thinking about my life and saying my goodbyes internally. I know many of you don’t understand this feeling. There’s depression, severe depression and then what I felt. I think it would take a lot for anyone to grasp this level of depression. I didn’t know it existed. I really hope it goes away after my next medication but if not well don’t be like me. If your a lady and it seems like things may be getting worse over time, look up PMDD before it’s too late.

I swear I’m a good person and I really care about everyone. Don’t take this warning lightly. If your a woman look this up. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone ever. Don’t think your at the worst and also think it’ll pass. If you still think you can beat it, you’re not at the worst yet and you can beat it. The worst has a hopelessness that’ll knock you out cold and make you feel dumb for not taking advantage of your most fatigued moments. Don’t stop looking for answers. A doctors ‘guesswork’ should never be enough.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Depression can be scary and isolating. I think I used to have PMDD, I think. Or at least something very similar (I was never diagnosed, but based on my symptoms). Every month I’d feel demon possessed, I’d have so much anger built up in me. And only within a week or so before my period. A super strict eating plan (under the guidance of a nutritionist) helped me greatly. CBD has helped my cycle, too. I am not telling you what to do, but if you want more info about my nutritionist, let me know. I would encourage you to talk to a trusted person when you feel this way. So you don’t have to go through this alone. Hugs.

I am so sorry things are so hard right now. Iapmd is an amazing sight and has a lot of resources for pmdd. It’s really hard not having answers. Everyone is different but have you tried birth control or if your on antidepressants upping them before your period. I would do it with a Dr and not by yourself. Also, there are groups on Facebook for pmdd. I hope you can find a way to manage your symptoms a little more. You aren’t alone. Instagram has a lot of good accounts for pmdd. Do you track your symptoms? It could help you prepare and know when the symptoms will be the worse. It’s a really hard battle and sucks so much. I hate that people have to struggle with this on top of mental health issues. Rooting for you.