Scattered and lost

“Oh wow another of Robyn’s posts wonder what stuff xyr gonna ramble on about this time”

hh I swear my entire existence is made of of paradoxes and juxtapositions…

I’m an introvert that can’t bear to see the people around xem hurting
I’m a person who sees the best in others but the worst in me
I’m insensitive and blind to obvious things that apparently everyone else can understand, but, because you can’t spell “empathetic” without “pathetic” I have an uncanny ability to know how the people around me feel but I can’t do anything about it because I don’t know how and it eats me up inside knowing that there’s someone in pain and that I can’t help…

I’m an aroace but I feel really strongly towards other people

I have so many ideas that I want to put into reality but I am unable to due to my lack of anything decent in a human…

and what’s the point in making things if they’re never gonna be good enough?

I mean idk mate sometimes I don’t know why I still try

I don’t know how on earth I’m gonna survive out in the world when my entire day can be put off by someone giving me criticism…

ik sh is stupid but like

it’s a coping mechanism probably it brings me some semblance of control over my life to be able to have a physical reminder of all of the things I did wrong… knowing that that pain was somemthing that I did…
haha what amm I even talking about at this point I’m not even good at sh

ik that probably all of this isn’t gonna get responded to, just because of the massive braindumps I tend to make lol but it’s always nice to know that there are people who do, in fact, for some strange reason, care about me and my wellbeing… who woulda thought?

lol I need help

all of my friends can agree that I’m insane and they remind me of it basically every time I see them and they’re probably right what kind of sane person does the things that I do

something that society has taught me to do and has worked really well for me has been bottling up emotions… “start acting your age” “stop crying” “brush it off you’re fine” things like this have all taught me that it’s better to just confine the emotions of “sadness” and “guilt” and “detrimentally powerful feelings of self-loathing” behind closed doors because no one can see you then… no one can see that I’m vulnerable then…

because if something simple like people changing entire day’s worth of plans on me that day can make me so upset I essentially have an anxiety attack then it’s just better to not let anyone know you’re hurting… that way you can preserve their emotions, keep them happy…

because why do I need to be happy if everyone else around me is? heck I’d take me suffering over other people… because it pains me so much to see other people hurting… because more often then not, it’s my fault

and there’s nothing that hurts more then knowing that your entire reality crashing down upon you and the pain that surrounds you in all of the people you’re closest with is all existent simply becuase it’s around you

idk I tend to break everything I touch

most people I’m around will end up leaving, I’ve seen it happen

once they see who I really am they don’t want anything to do with me because what use does anyone have for a, and I quote, “gaslighting manipulative backstabbing traitorous b**ch”

haha another great thing society has taught me is that self-care is for the weak

ever heard of the term “feeling sorry for yourself?”

well I mean it’s always portrayed as a bad thing right?

so ig then I can’t feel sorry for myself, can’t feel any emotion even relatively close to sadness or guilt because I’m just “throwing a pity party” or some crap like that

aghgh I wish I was normal

honestly all I want is for someone to accept me for who I am instead of the emotional neurotypical mask I put on

I want someone who legitamately cares about me and is concerned about me

but that’s just a fantasy people like that are very very hard to come by

aghghghgh I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

why? your guess is as good as mine but maybe it’s because of the almost never-ending failures that I make

haha don’t ya love it when the doctor-mandated medicine that’s supposed to help ya focus on things actually winds up giving you probably major depression and making you hyperfocus to the point that you’re pacing around the lawn with earplugs and glasses on, mind completely unfocused at the task at hand, instead fixated on the millions of thoughts flooding your brain and the anxious, tense energy that fills every fiber of your being?

haha the toll that a million thoughts a second takes on one is pretty big lol it makes you tired so quickly that it drained me all the way into depressive levels of energy

anyone else here sometimes just get this feeling in your limbs, sorta a “stiffness” where it just feels almost tingly… but just… wrong and uncomfortable?

nah it’s probably just me and another one of the weird anomalies that make up me

agh I’m so stupid

I probably shouldn’t’ve even wrote this

I mean

what’s the point in trying anymore, honestly?

why haven’t I just given up?

I know how it’s gonna end I’ve seen it play out a million times before!

I find a friend, I immediately trust said friend because I’m a naive fool, get my emotions shattered by the jarring slice of rejection.

that’s how it’s gonna end, with everyone else happy, and me, alone…

isn’t that what I wanted, though?

if that was what I wanted why does it hurt so much to know that no one in the end will end up caring about me?

“Oh it’s easy Robyn you seem happy enough during the day just do that all the time!”
except here’s the thing!!

I’m NOT fine during the day! all the time I have this jar of emotion and pain ready to explode when too much pressure is applied…

and the depression never gets better every time I think it’s gotten better I get slammed in the face with another wave…

I’m not fine

i’m not ok

i’m so lonely

i’m so pathetic

i’m in pain

and even if you can’t see it it’s still there, nothing can change that

i need a hug


here’s a virtual hug for ya!

It seems like the most empathetic and caring folks can’t hold up a mirror, all that love and compassion and care and worry for others radiates outward, but life has made you believe that you don’t deserve a mirror, that you aren’t worth the same thing.

You matter to us, I see you, I hear you, and you are not any of the negative things you’ve said. Life has been incredibly difficult to you, and you have learnt to cope as best as you could. Do you have any therapist that is helping you through this?

1 Like

Hey there @RobynTheUnlikely,

Thank you for having the courage to reach out and seek our support. I’m so glad that you decided to post here, as it sounds like you have a lot on your chest, and I hope that putting that into writing helps a little bit.

While your empathy may hurt, I also want to commend you for being so caring towards others; that’s such an admirable quality, and I hope that you’re able to keep that quality, while not feeling so much of other peoples’ pain. I know, it’s easier said than done, but I have faith in your abilities to slowly grow to respect yourself and gain an understanding that the world doesn’t rest on your shoulders; you don’t need to try to help everyone. Everyone is hurting sometimes, but it’s important to remember that you should prioritize your own mental health, before thinking about others (and again, I know this is much easier said than done).

I’m also ace (though maybe aro-, queer-, or demiromantic – not sure yet), and I notice that you say that you feel strongly towards other people. I’m wondering if you’re referring to questioning romantic (or sexual) attraction, or if you are mentioning that to counter the (untrue) stereotypes of ace people being unempathetic or unable to make connections? If questioning romantic/sexual orientation is a challenge for you, know that you aren’t alone in this and that it may just take time to figure out what labels feel right for you. If anything related to being aroace or questioning has been a challenge for you, please let me know if you wish to discuss – I’m here for you and would love to hear what you have to say.

I also hear your challenges with self-esteem and not wanting to create things that aren’t “good enough”. Remember that sometimes the point is the journey, not the destination. What I mean by that is if you enjoy making things, that’s reason enough to make them! And before you’ll ever be good at something, you need to start somewhere – trying things and failing over and over again is one of the greatest ways to learn. My best advice here is to keep trying; keep doing what you enjoy!

In regard to self-harm, I know how challenging that can be as a coping mechanism, but it isn’t stupid, shameful, or anything else like that. Yes, it is unhealthy, and it would be awesome to invest the time into developing healthier coping mechanisms (perhaps with the help of a therapist), but please don’t fall into the trap of blaming yourself for “failing” if you self-harm. I understand how hard things can be, and that isn’t a failure.

On a related note, there isn’t such thing as being “good” at self-harming. I know you mention feeling like you are “not even good at sh”, and I’m guessing that this is because you may feel hesitant when engaging in it or may do it very mildly, or something along those lines. It’s actually a good thing if you are hesitant; that’s your body trying to protect itself and hopefully, at least in the future, there will be a time when the body (and brain) wins that battle – when you are able to stop self-harming.

I also understand the bottling, but I hope you know that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be yourself. It’s okay to show the emotions that you feel. Yes, I’d personally prefer to cry somewhere private, but remember that tears are one of the body’s ways of getting emotions out – it’s good to let yourself cry when you need to.

Regarding your medication, have you talked to your doctor about the depressive effects of the medication that you are taking? It may be worth seeing if they can adjust dosage or medication, because there are almost always more options out there if the current one isn’t working for you.

It may also be worth talking to a therapist, as @Sita said – it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and a therapist could be a big asset in your mental health journey.

Please remember that, as hard as things get, we value you for who you are and for having the courage to be vulnerable here. We hear you and can’t imagine how challenging all this may be for you.

You are cared for, valued, and loved. As hard as you may be on yourself, from what I’ve read, it seems like you may be your own worst critic. Remember that others appreciate you, and that we sincerely do care about you.

A virtual hug for you too🫂

<3 Tuna

1 Like

No I can’t get a therapist ;-;

ehh mostly it’s tertiary attraction and just in general how I seem to be more invested in other’s emotions then most people around me… I’m almost certain I’m aroace

but what’s the point in making something you love if it’s going to be forgotten and lost unless it has insanely high amounts of polish and perfection to stand out? what’s the point in trying to make things when thousands of others have already done it better? what’s the point of making something if no one else enjoys it?

nah I can’t even break skin normally and that’s why I’m so bad at it haha

but who is “myself” at this point? my personality is so fluid and adaptable to the situations and people around me that I don’t know who the real me is

ngl most ppl I’d talk to would probably tell me I’m “overreacting” and “being too sensitive” and “getting in my own head” and stuff like that then proceed to preach the benefits and wonders of drugging yourself to make yourself more “concentrated” when in reality all it does is make my brain run so fast it sends me into a depressive state due to my complete lack of skills and understanding of the general workings of the world to a point where all of the thousands of ideas and plans and goals formulating in my head thousands of times a second all come crashing down due to my inability to execute any of them. And this is happening all in a cycle about like 20 times a second lol no wonder I’m so tired. But the (many) doctors said it’s fine so who am I to question a phd? I mean it’s not like they’re making up words on the spot or anything lol seems like all of that schooling really paid off!

…sorry got a lil off topic there!

I mean… hh this is where I run into some issues… I’ve seen the same situation play out so many times now: people say things like this and then crap happens and they leave because I’m “too much” or I’m “hurting them/are bad for them” or because I’m a “backstabbing lying traitorous gaslighting b**tch who isn’t good enough to be my friend” or a million other reasons… so I mean I’m not exactly the best at trusting that people are actually going to not end up abandoning me lol but I’m okay I can figure crap out on my own

also tysm for the virtual hugs they’re very nice they made my day so much better <3


Hello Robyn. Glad to see you here. And I don’t mean it as a mere courtesy. Reading you does fall close to home on some lines.

It seems that you are above all open to other people’s emotions and feelings. You are able to see what other people feel, and that hurts. It probably hurts because it’s in our human nature to care for others, and if we care enough we want to help them be better. People are complicated. At least that is what I’ve learnt in my experience. Sometimes I feel hardwire to try and understand them, but in the end, we are all a messy knot of contradictions. Paradoxes and juxtapositions, even.

I don’t believe it is stupid to have your entire day put down by somebody’s words and criticism. Even well-intentioned ones. It feels stupid, maybe, because we are supposed to suck it up and not care. But I disagree. We need feedback. And seldom are we experts in giving it. We are messy knots of contradictions. Imagine one messy knot of contradictions talking to another messy knot of contradictions about the things in their paradoxes that they could improve. That doesn’t mean criticism is wrong, IMO. But do consider that, if what someone says makes you feel down you are entitled to it. You are entitled to give yourself some time to process and recover and even to ask for clarification and help. Of course, there is that other kind of criticism. From those anybody just needs time and peace for themselves.
I had classmates that used to call me “loco” (madman in Spanish). I didn’t actually mind it, but a part of me wonders if I didn’t allow that nickname to brush over my skin and change who I am, for better or worse. I guess it’s worth taking a time to ask yourself if you actually agree that they tell you that you are insane (which sounds a lot more serious than just “madman” in my opinion), and how it affects you. Talking with them about it, if you trust them to have an honest conversation, might also be worth it.

I am sorry that you feel that everything you touch breaks. I think I partially know that feeling, and it is not great. It is also not true, but I know that is not enough. I imagine the anxiety that somebody changing their plans on you can cause, and that it may feel that you have “broken” somebody’s day.

I don’t know the source of it, nor the exact details of these situations. By the way you tell it, it seems that you prefer people to ignore that you are hurting because knowing would make them dedicate hours to you and you don’t like to have that impact on others. Correct me if I am wrong there.

Now, you did say that you have this uncanny ability to know how other people around you feel but you don’t know how to help them. And here I see an opportunity. Letting other people help you, reach out to you and invest time and effort in how you feel is a way you can help them too. It’s not easy. Our primary instinct is to close up our vulnerabilities. But if you manage to open that lock for others you will be helping them in a way. And that happens simply because you care about others as well. The way you are gives you this power.

And I would use this to say that you need to be happy. You being willing to take somebody’s suffering away is enough to me to say that you deserve and need to be happy, even if at times you won’t.

Now, I do feel you need to get all this weight off your shoulders. It hurts, and that means you are a human being. I did feel a bit like you did back in school. I took upon me the task to be the release valve of my classmates’ family issues as they bullied me. It destroyed me. I do not recommend that approach. If there is anything you can do to get that weight off your shoulders, give it a try. I would suggest taking a step back and trying to check what pains in others fall under your control and responsibility. Maybe the list will be shorter than you expect. And perhaps you can take action as you will from there, one step at the time.

As for self-care and self-pity. I agree. It is portrayed as a negative thing. There is a long and sad history of cultural development around the condemnation of self-care and self-pity. Luckily this is changing. I recall the concept of self-compassion as a replacement for self-loathing, and I believe there lies the way through those feelings. I am sure somebody in the community can give you a better idea on how to practice self-compassion, though. I am personally terrible at it. And while I understand that the weight of centuries of criticism towards feeling sorry for yourself or sad are crushing and seemingly unsurmountable, I urge you to please not to give in to it. You feel and care for what other people are going through. It’s only fair that you to give yourself the space to feel what you feel and express it if needed (and we often need it much more that we credit for).

But above all these things I wanted to say I guess the most important is that you have given plenty of evidence for something that you seem to deny at least once or twice.
You are a decent human being.

And I hope you get to see others confirming that to you. I can’t guarantee you that you will, because I don’t hold that authority. But I can tell you that you deserve it.

1 Like

Hey there @RobynTheUnlikely,

Thank you for your reply <3. I’m glad that the virtual hugs helped a bit and I hope that you’re doing well.

Awesome! Glad to hear that isn’t a challenge for you!

I get what you’re saying, but enjoying something is often reason enough to do it, in my opinion. Also, you may be underestimating your abilities. For instance, if you are the person who made your profile picture (not sure if that’s the case, or that’s even the type of thing you make), it’s really good and should be a point of pride! I make things all the time that I’m not good at. For instance, I’ve coded a custom birthday card/website for a friend. Sure, this isn’t made to last and doesn’t look great or anything like that, but I enjoy making it and it makes one other person happy for a few minutes – that’s enough for me.

Ah got it! Honestly, that’s a good thing though – best not to get injured!

That’s a really great question and I know many people who struggle with it. I’d say that all of those are parts of you, and none are the singular “you”. Everyone acts differently with different people. For instance, I might make innuendos jokes with friends because they know that I only like them platonically, but I’d never make innuendos jokes with someone I don’t know well.

The other way to phrase this is that you don’t need to know who the real you is to be you. However, if you ever feel like you’re putting on a facade and it’s sucking your energy to do that for people, then it’s possible that the side of you that manifests as that facade may not be one that you want to continue pursuing. Of course, in professional environments, this isn’t always possible, but it generally is possible in personal environments with people who you trust.

Not every doctor is right for every person, and doctors can be wrong. For instance, I’m a type one diabetic. Doctors may tell me that the policy for correcting for low glucose is to take 15g of glucose and than to wait 15 minutes, but I personally know that I’d literally die in some situations if I followed that guidance – the “by the book” guidance that they’re able to give isn’t right for me or the situations I’m in.

With your types of medication, it’s not as simple or safe as something like glucose (sugar) to adjust dosage of, so you should never try adjusting your dose on your own, but my point is that doctors aren’t always correct.

I’d suggest getting a second opinion from another doctor to see if they agree that the medication is best for you, or if they have any ideas about possible changes that could help you. If the second opinion agrees with the original (or if that has already occurred), then you at least can have more confidence that the medication you are on is the best option for you, and you can work to mitigate the depressive symptoms as much as possible by working to form healthy coping techniques.

I totally understand what you mean here, and I will add a word of clarification. “We”, speaking for the HeartSupport community, will always be here for you. Period. We sincerely do care about everyone in this community and sincerely do value you.

Now, you are correct in saying that I peronally may not always be here for you (or anyone in the HeartSupport community), but this isn’t anything personal about you. This is simply because I have limited personal capacity, so I won’t always be able to support others here when I have other stuff going on in my life.

So yes, “I” may not always be able to be here for you, but I hope you know that “We” sincerely care and will be here for you, always.

As always, I hope that you’re feeling a bit better and have faith in you! <3

aaa thanks I’m actually really proud of it~

honestly just being with people kinda sucks my energy but there are some facades more so than others…

1 Like

yeah kinda… I’d love to have someone who would notice that I’m hurting who would like help me out but I also don’t want people to worry about me unnecessarily bc then they’re stressed about me and I don’t like to be the source of others’ negative emotions

How does that help them? in my experience it does the opposite…

1 Like

I understand. It’s absolutely normal in any good person to not want to be the cause of anything negative in others. But it is also human to want help dealing with pain. From that perspective, it’s an impossible choice between accepting to cause worry unto others and not getting any help at all.

It is a feeling I am all too familiar to this day, if in a lower intensity. I don’t have an actual solution to it. But reading you makes me think of ways this could be solved.

And that brings me back to what I said before.

I don’t know your experience, and so my insight is very limited. But the problem between denying help for yourself and causing stress on others (which I would say is a version of the irresistible force paradox, or the all-piercing spear vs the unbreakable shield paradox, not that it matters, I just find the analogy interesting) seems unsolvable from the perspective of one person.

Let me propose something to consider. When people reach out to you and seek to help you in any way or support you it could be out from two reasons: a)They care about you and would like to see you happy. b) They care about you and hate to see you sad/in pain.
In either case, the result of them helping you is them feeling better. They accept the cost of doing that (be it time, inconvenience, coming out of their area of comfort, etc.) and that cost can be more or less depending on how easy it is to do what they want to do, help you out.

At the end of the day, they will have helped you and they will feel better for it (regardless of a) or b) being the reason for their help). So long as the inconvenience of doing so doesn’t increase beyond their original calculations.

That is a transactional calculation that is pretty straightforward. A person helps somebody else because they consider the benefits outweight the costs. I know it sounds… cold hearted to think like that. I don’t believe people actually think like that, but it’s happening on some level.

So here is where you come in. Because one factor on how much it costs to do this often falls on the person who is receiving the help. Wanting to keep people away out of fear of being an inconvenience is a natural instinct, I’d say. Fighting that instinct takes a lot of discipline. But it will make this transaction easier. It will mean less investment for them, a faster help for you and it will also mean that you have indirectly helped them out to feel better, having achieved their objective.

Helping others help you IS as way of helping others, in the end.

There is something that needs to be said about boundaries, though. People are responsible of setting their own boundaries. Both you and me, and everybody else. People need to know how far they can go, and learn ways to walk away when the thing they are doing is too much. Boundaries are one of the basis of a healthy relationship and need to be well nurtured. I believe you have the tools to know when somebody has set for themselves good boundaries, and that will certainly make you more eager to accept their help, alongside the consideration that them helping you is a way for helping themselves too. Some of the things that might help you know when these good and healthy boundaries are up on the people around you are: well-defined limits, good and clear communication, asking for help, saying “no” sometimes and organized schedules (with time for themselves being primordial).

Knowing if your friends have healthy boundaries will make it easy for you to accept their help, I believe, and in time, you can also know how to nurture your boundaries as well.

Aaaand now I realize I did a massive wall of text, sorry about that. :thinking:

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.