“Oh wow another of Robyn’s posts wonder what stuff xyr gonna ramble on about this time”
hh I swear my entire existence is made of of paradoxes and juxtapositions…
I’m an introvert that can’t bear to see the people around xem hurting
I’m a person who sees the best in others but the worst in me
I’m insensitive and blind to obvious things that apparently everyone else can understand, but, because you can’t spell “empathetic” without “pathetic” I have an uncanny ability to know how the people around me feel but I can’t do anything about it because I don’t know how and it eats me up inside knowing that there’s someone in pain and that I can’t help…
I’m an aroace but I feel really strongly towards other people
I have so many ideas that I want to put into reality but I am unable to due to my lack of anything decent in a human…
and what’s the point in making things if they’re never gonna be good enough?
I mean idk mate sometimes I don’t know why I still try
I don’t know how on earth I’m gonna survive out in the world when my entire day can be put off by someone giving me criticism…
ik sh is stupid but like
it’s a coping mechanism probably it brings me some semblance of control over my life to be able to have a physical reminder of all of the things I did wrong… knowing that that pain was somemthing that I did…
haha what amm I even talking about at this point I’m not even good at sh
ik that probably all of this isn’t gonna get responded to, just because of the massive braindumps I tend to make lol but it’s always nice to know that there are people who do, in fact, for some strange reason, care about me and my wellbeing… who woulda thought?
lol I need help
all of my friends can agree that I’m insane and they remind me of it basically every time I see them and they’re probably right what kind of sane person does the things that I do
something that society has taught me to do and has worked really well for me has been bottling up emotions… “start acting your age” “stop crying” “brush it off you’re fine” things like this have all taught me that it’s better to just confine the emotions of “sadness” and “guilt” and “detrimentally powerful feelings of self-loathing” behind closed doors because no one can see you then… no one can see that I’m vulnerable then…
because if something simple like people changing entire day’s worth of plans on me that day can make me so upset I essentially have an anxiety attack then it’s just better to not let anyone know you’re hurting… that way you can preserve their emotions, keep them happy…
because why do I need to be happy if everyone else around me is? heck I’d take me suffering over other people… because it pains me so much to see other people hurting… because more often then not, it’s my fault
and there’s nothing that hurts more then knowing that your entire reality crashing down upon you and the pain that surrounds you in all of the people you’re closest with is all existent simply becuase it’s around you
idk I tend to break everything I touch
most people I’m around will end up leaving, I’ve seen it happen
once they see who I really am they don’t want anything to do with me because what use does anyone have for a, and I quote, “gaslighting manipulative backstabbing traitorous b**ch”
haha another great thing society has taught me is that self-care is for the weak
ever heard of the term “feeling sorry for yourself?”
well I mean it’s always portrayed as a bad thing right?
so ig then I can’t feel sorry for myself, can’t feel any emotion even relatively close to sadness or guilt because I’m just “throwing a pity party” or some crap like that
aghgh I wish I was normal
honestly all I want is for someone to accept me for who I am instead of the emotional neurotypical mask I put on
I want someone who legitamately cares about me and is concerned about me
but that’s just a fantasy people like that are very very hard to come by
aghghghgh I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself
why? your guess is as good as mine but maybe it’s because of the almost never-ending failures that I make
haha don’t ya love it when the doctor-mandated medicine that’s supposed to help ya focus on things actually winds up giving you probably major depression and making you hyperfocus to the point that you’re pacing around the lawn with earplugs and glasses on, mind completely unfocused at the task at hand, instead fixated on the millions of thoughts flooding your brain and the anxious, tense energy that fills every fiber of your being?
haha the toll that a million thoughts a second takes on one is pretty big lol it makes you tired so quickly that it drained me all the way into depressive levels of energy
anyone else here sometimes just get this feeling in your limbs, sorta a “stiffness” where it just feels almost tingly… but just… wrong and uncomfortable?
nah it’s probably just me and another one of the weird anomalies that make up me
agh I’m so stupid
I probably shouldn’t’ve even wrote this
I mean
what’s the point in trying anymore, honestly?
why haven’t I just given up?
I know how it’s gonna end I’ve seen it play out a million times before!
I find a friend, I immediately trust said friend because I’m a naive fool, get my emotions shattered by the jarring slice of rejection.
that’s how it’s gonna end, with everyone else happy, and me, alone…
isn’t that what I wanted, though?
if that was what I wanted why does it hurt so much to know that no one in the end will end up caring about me?
“Oh it’s easy Robyn you seem happy enough during the day just do that all the time!”
except here’s the thing!!
I’m NOT fine during the day! all the time I have this jar of emotion and pain ready to explode when too much pressure is applied…
and the depression never gets better every time I think it’s gotten better I get slammed in the face with another wave…
I’m not fine
i’m not ok
i’m so lonely
i’m so pathetic
i’m in pain
and even if you can’t see it it’s still there, nothing can change that
i need a hug