I’m not getting bullied (anymore).
I have good friends.
My classmates are nice; we get along well.
My teachers are okay too.
My grades are average.
So, why am I so scared of going to school? Why? I don’t know! I really, fucking, don’t. But do my parents believe me? No, they don’t. They strongly believe, I know why I don’t want to go to school but just don’t tell them. And it sucks. My dad just straight up told me “I don’t believe you.”, when I said I didn’t know, why. Man…
Sometimes “I don’t know” is the only answer you can come up with. I feel like throwing up if I happen to wander onto a college campus. I had a therapist tell me it was mild PTSD, since my time at college was apparently above my trauma threshold. He wasn’t my favorite therapist, I’m not sure I buy in 100%, but maybe there’s something to it.
It seems to me, as it has since you came here, that you have a parent problem. From their point of view, they need to have you in school by law. They see it as you need to graduate high school to get any kind of decent job beyond retail or food service. They probably don’t know how to handle your fears any better than you do, they’re desperate, and they’re lashing out. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, nor is it intended to minimize what you’re feeling. It seems like there is a lack of understanding between you and them, and they are acting out of confusion.
If I recall, they only recently got on board with seeking therapy for you, so this may be a stretch, but I think you could benefit from family therapy to improve your communication dynamics. That way, hopefully they can understand where you’re coming from and you can understand where they’re coming from in a way that doesn’t involve ugly insults and condescension.
In the meantime, see if you can get your hands on The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr .David Burns, and do some the exercises in Chapter 12: Facing Your Fears. Whether it’s in the library, in stores, or online, it’s a helpful chapter to work through.
I hope you stay strong through this.
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