I’m screaming and nobody can hear me, not even me. I keep telling myself I’ll be okay and I know I will. I just wonder when it’s my time to be happy… I’ve been faking it for so long I don’t know if I even remember what it feels like. I hate it here. It hurts and it’s suffocating.
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Hey @Coyoteryder,
I’m screaming and nobody can hear me
I know my words are only those from a random stranger on Internet, but: I see you. I see your words, your heart and your pain. And I am really sorry you’ve been feeling so low. Sometimes taking the time to write down our thoughts and feelings helps us to take a break, then to get back on our feet. I hope posting this will help or helped you to feel better. And if not, know that you are not alone right now.
I don’t know what makes you feel like this. If something happened or if things have been piling up. But in any case, you are free to share what’s in your heart here. Always. Without any judgment or obligation. We’re willing to support you the best way possible.
I keep telling myself I’ll be okay and I know I will. I just wonder when it’s my time to be happy…
Oh yes, you will. You’ll be okay, without a doubt. But as you said, sometimes it feels like we’ve been waiting for happiness for so long… and it’s exhausting. It feels like purchasing an unreachable dream. Again and again. But sometimes it feels like only others are allowed to experience that.
What if happiness isn’t something to wait for? What if there are reasons to feel alive, fulfilled, connected to this world a little everyday? I am not saying this to be over-optimistic. But personally, something I learned through difficult moments is that when we’re struggling it just gets hard to enjoy anything. It feels like we’re just wearing the wrong glasses and everything seems hard, painful, useless, worthless… I waited - and still do sometimes - for this moment when “everything will be better”, when I’ll be happy, finally. Reaching towards this goal helped me to accept to feel like I had to live my life between parenthesis. But when we’re in this mindset, we’re also missing a lot of things around us and inside of us. You don’t have to wait to live. You are existing already, despite the pain and the obstacles.
I’ve been faking it for so long I don’t know if I even remember what it feels like.
You don’t have to fake it. You don’t have to wear a mask. It’s okay not to be okay. And it’s okay to say it. And if you feel like you can’t be vulnerable with others in your life, then you can always be honest here and share about what’s in your mind.
I hate it here. It hurts and it’s suffocating.
What fulfills you? What do you enjoy? Who are the people you love? You found the reasons why you hate this life. You can still find the reasons that will help you to keep moving on. It can be anything, really.
There are some self-help exercises here on the Support Wall. I’ll leave a few links to some of them - but you can also find these in the “Exercises” category of the forum - as I hope that these tools could help you to initiate some inner reflection, whenever you feel the need to think about your next steps:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/gratitude-growth/14144
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/7-day-value-recognition-challenge/14603
It can be hard to take care of ourselves when we are struggling, but I hope you will treat yourself with compassion, as much as possible. You are not alone. You are loved. Hold fast. 
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