Just venting. No response required. Not sure if anything will help anyways. Also not about anything specific. Just a lot of things that have been weighing on my mind lately that I can’t openly go talk about, l’est I start an argument and get nowhere anyway.
Warning, extremely personal and intimate information so if you’re not into stuff like that, avert your eyes.
Also extreme language warning.
Also sorry for the snippy tone. I’ve got a lot of built up frustration.
Why are you the only one allowed to get irritated? Why are you the only one allowed to have an attitude on a shitty day? Why are you the only one allowed to react to shitty things I say even tho I don’t realize it was shitty? Why is it that you say you accept that I have mental illnesses and that my brain is totally fucked but the minute I start acting like it, you have a problem just because it affects you? That’s part of being with someone with mental illnesses dipshit. You can get an attitude with me just because you’re hungry or something but if I do the same thing bc you genuinely made me upset I’m being “disrespectful” and “a dick”. You’re like a toxic parent, dude. You act like I’m not allowed to react to shitty things you say. You act like I’m not allowed to get upset or irritated or any of that. Not if it has to do with you. Oh but anything else and you’re right there ready to help. I’ve been dealing with this shit for over a decade, I know it better than you ever will. And for you to sit there and say I’m making excuses and hiding behind it is just a little bit insulting and just a tad invalidating. You say it’s okay that I have depression and all, but what about the days where I don’t have it in me to even smile? What about the days where I don’t have the energy to socialize? What about the days where I have no energy and can barely hold a conversation? What about the days where it manifests as anger or irritation? You say it’s okay that I have anxiety but what about when it gets so bad that I physically can’t handle being around anyone other than you? You say it’s okay that I have ADHD but you have the audacity to ask me why I can’t remember something. To ask me why I can’t give you my full, UNDIVIDED attention. And then when I tell you why, you get mad. I’m so fucking tired of everyone punishing me for shit that I can’t fully fucking control. Literally EVERYBODY has a problem with me being like this. Everyone gets mad that I forget shit a lot. Everyone gets mad that I don’t always want to socialize. EVERYBODY. Like, what the fuck is that??? Do you see me throwing YOUR mental illnesses in your face and tell you you’re making excuses when yours get bad?? No. You don’t. Yes, I agree I can help it sometimes. But a lot of the time, I can’t. And you can’t accept that. Therefore you can’t accept me. You’re such a goddamn hypocrite and I’m losing my patience with it. You act like I’m not allowed to have any fucking problems. Like you’re the ONLY one who’s allowed to get mad or annoyed or anything. And I’m tired of it. I kept trying to tell you what you were getting into. That there are certain time periods, every year, where my mental health gets super fucking bad. And y’know what? I don’t think you’re prepared to deal with literally ANYTHING that’s wrong with me if it affects you in any way shape or form. You think I’m not aware that it makes me look like I don’t care? You think I’m not aware that it makes me look like I’m not interested? You think I don’t fucking know??? You think this is some new revelation you’re giving me??? I have been this way since 8th fucking grade. Believe me. I KNOW. You say I’m not understanding but honestly you’re way worse than I am. I am not the only one of us who ever does anything wrong. And I’m sick of you acting like it. As someone who’s just as fucked as I am I’d expect at least a little understanding. Not sympathy. Not coddling. No. Just for you to say “hey it’s okay to forget things sometimes.” Or “it’s okay that you don’t wanna do anything today.” BUT YOU DONT. YOU JUST GET FUCKING MAD AT ME AND ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME AND GLARE AT ME AND GIVE ME ATTITUDE ALL GODDAMN DAY AND IM SICK OF IT. I’m aware it’s affecting you negatively and I’m not saying you’re not allowed to be upset or hurt or anything. You’re fully entitled to your emotions. And to react how you want to react. I’ve been on both ends. I get it. But you sitting there and getting angry everytime my mental health affects you even the slightest bit and making me out to be just some asshole who doesn’t try to make you happy is REALLY starting to get old. If I’m that fucking awful, if it’s that much of a fucking nightmare to be with me TTHEN FUCKING LEAVE. Because when it comes to shit like this, you are JUST like everyone else. You’re not the only one who gets made to feel like shit everyday. You’re not the only one who gets affected negatively. You are not the only one. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. If so that’s on me. That’s my fault. Maybe I do make excuses sometimes. But you talk to me and treat me like I have no fucking soul. Like I’m not sorry for anything I’ve done. Like I’m just a goddamn drone. And that shit stings, man. And you wonder why I feel so alone in this. I don’t even know if I ever told you I feel alone. I have a lot of unsaid things with you. And I’m afraid it’s gonna stay that way for the rest of my life. Because you can’t handle hearing about yourself. And when I try to tell you, you have an excuse ready to use. Like “No actually it’s because this” or “No, you’re wrong because I did this and this and said this”.
It say a lot when I’m scared to come to YOU about my issues and frustrations. Bc you’re the ONLY person I’ve ever been 100% comfortable with. You used to be so understanding. You used to not talk to me like you’re above me. I don’t know what happened but I’m not liking it. You’re somebody else, dude. We both are. And I’m scared that it’s destroying everything. We have a son together for fuck’s sake. I got a job like you wanted. I’m busting my ass everyday like you wanted. I’m trying to get shit done like you wanted. Like, what the fuck??? What happened??
Maybe we are headed towards the end…