I recently got fired from my job (my fault), and lately I’ve been feeling like a screw up. I need a job to pay my school tuition in the fall, and still trying to get one. I keep messing things up with my family, snapping and doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. Im 20 years old but i feel as accomplished and capable as a 12 year old. I cant even navigate day to day relationships. I feel like a fool with no real friends around everyone. I felt like my two sisters were doing way better than i am at my age. My sister, who is only two years older than me, has a boyfriend and a good job that pays around 80k. I feel a lot of resentment toward my other sister, the oldest, because she used to yell and discipline us a lot back when we were little. I understand why now. Our dad was very strict too not so much now, but he wanted my oldest sister to be the leader and watch out for us even since she was young. Anytime something happened to us or we got hurt it would be her fault. I understand, but i still feel that resentment and i dont know how to get past it. Felt like for a long time she was just my enemy who made me feel small and not good at anything. Im trying to be a better person, and openly communicate with my family but whenever i do i feel so freaking vulnerable and i hate it.
I play the clown a lot, try to make people laugh so they wouldnt yell at me. So i wouldnt feel like a waste of space in a room. Nobody takes me seriously and i cant blame them. Its like if i wasnt joking I’d have nothing to say and be ignored. If i wasnt pretending to be happy, people wouldn’t pressure me into opening up about things (we’re an internally nosy family).
I feel like I live a decent life and i shouldnt be complaining. I live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and have a nice car to call my own. I dont know how to improve myself.
Hi Bvblover16,
Welcome back here. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear that you got fired. It must be pretty hard until you will find a new job, but don’t give up. It’s not pleasant to wait but sometimes it just happens that we have to. Im currently in the same position as you, and it’s a bit though but it taught me to be more patience and to focus more on my needs, so maybe there is also something good in it also for you.
We are our own critiques, and messing things up maybe are not as bad as it sounds, but we can always try again and to repair what we have done wrong, and we are not perfect, we are just humans who are trying to live.
It would be easier if we could just stop to not compare ourselves with others, but we do it and it makes us feel inferior, or not good enough. So having both sister around you, indeed it feels hard to compete with them when you feel like they were better than you at your age, but we are all different and unique so we all have different life stories to create, and different times to accomplish things. It doesn’t mean that you are a failure on that side, it is not fair to get a label based on this. Do things on your way.
The resentment for your sister shows that you really want to change and is not impossible even if it’s still not working yet, but maybe it will take more time to get past it, to learn to forgive. Try to reconnect with her maybe, you can even become closer. It’s very good that you observed this and understood why she treated you like that, being an older sister myself, is not fun to always be the responsible one who always had to give their time and energy when my parents were not around.
Opening up to your family and feeling vulnerable is not easy, but it shows that you are brave. It feels that you are wearing a mask so that’s why you always joke, and it seems that people know you like that, so i understand why it’s easier to pretend that you are happy, but you are the one who can change that if you want, or maybe you just didn’t find the right people to be yourself truly.
It seems that you are grateful for you house, neighborhood and your car, which is nice to notice and I’m sure there are other little things you can be grateful for. Improving yourself can start with small steps and with something that can make you feel rewarded after you tried, you are the one who can find the way.
I hope it helps a bit.
Best regards