Searching for answers

Hey all. Thought I’d see if just getting thoughts out can help. So thanks for listening if you choose, and pardon me if I ramble. I think it’s safe to say I’ve had a pretty normal, easy life in the grand scheme. Some might even say I’m “living the dream.” Hah. Every time I use the phrase it’s with complete sarcasm. Just a joke to myself, often used to cop out of human interaction and meaningful conversation. To be blunt I feel like I hate everything, everyone. And I don’t even know why! I have lost interest in the already few things that I have been passionate about, I’m unable to truly take pride in anything I do, constantly disregarding those around me and choosing convenience or personal gain over their feelings. But I just don’t fucking care. Maybe that’s easier than facing what’s inside myself. The emptiness, the sadness, and more than anything the anger. So much anger and contempt, and boy does it feel good to let it free. It all builds up inside and sometimes it’s directed at things or at people, if even just hypothetically in my mind. I’ve never been a people person, but even I know that’s not healthy. I fear some day it may drive me to do something I’ll deeply regret. But sometimes I still don’t care. Why am I so angry? Why do I feel like I have to live up to certain expectations others have that mean little to me? Why do I feel such little value in life? I’ve never seriously attempted to take my own, nor do I plan to but I often long for death. Even if death is nothing, just an empty lack of consciousness, maybe it’s better than the feelings of general sorrow, inadequacy and boiling rage. All the negative feelings that consume me and so often eclipse everything else. Those who know have their theories - autism, ptsd, natural introvert, sensory overload, depression, you name it. Not sure I buy it all, none of them are in the position to diagnose, and things have been this way for as long as I can remember. I assumed that’s just how life feels. Is it? Everyone under the sun seems to know what will help - counseling, religion, introspection, exercise, sleep, education, drugs and medication, coping skills or even just hugs. I’ve tried a bit of it all to no avail. It seems like only doing “wrong” things improve my self worth, even if only for a brief moment. I just have to know if anyone out there can relate or has gone through this. Am I normal? Does everyone feel this way? And if so, how do you deal with it?

Also totally didn’t mean for this to come off as some edgy drywall punching cringe shite . I realize it may, so sorry! Expressing feelings with words can be hard

There’s nothing wrong with express in this place, I’m new here but I’ve learned the value of a good vent. Felt good to blast all that out I’m sure.

I feel exactly like u do, in fact I was about to write something similar at this very moment when I came across your post. Unfortunately…I don’t have a remedy for drowning in hatred, that’s why I’m here… Searching. I’ve only recently been able to identify when these waves of negative emotions pour in, not to say that I’m dealing with them in any way ,im still horrible to be close to. It’s my wife, local traffic n work colleagues who get the real me. Most get the nice guy, from the surface.
I got solace from reading ur post, today I don’t feel alone. I’ll hate everyone I encounter this morning, but I’ll also feel a little OK knowing that ur suffering too.
I can really relate to loosing interest in ur passions for no reason other than feeling negative, not in the mood. I’ll also never kill myself, but I’m definitely not happy living (unless I’m with my daughter, when I’ve actually never been so happy in my life, I can recal)
Good luck asshole😎, lmk if you learn anything that can help save us

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Good to know I’m not alone! I’ve been meditating lately which I can’t say stops those feelings from welling up inside, but it definitely does something to relax my body and mind if I do it before anything can work me up. Perhaps staying consistent will deliver some general improvements over time. Like preventative care. Down to try it for a while! Or maybe it’s just a matter of experimentation til you find the right combo for each individual. Glad you can find some happiness in your daughter, maybe she’s the key to your solution