Self Care Blues

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I’ve lost control of taking care of my physical health. I’ve run out of a couple of my meds and I’m running low on all the others. I made an appointment to see a new doctor last month, but I didn’t go (because of paranoia). I want my old doctor back, but she moved away. I saw her for over ten years, she knew me and I trusted her. She took care of me, she didn’t just sit behind her laptop and ask me questions. She looked me over, checked my feet (I’m diabetic) and made sure I was ok. This new doctor didn’t even get up off his ass my first visit and he only looked in my mouth and ears the next time. I told my boyfriend to make me call again tomorrow to make a new appointment, but who knows what will happen with that. I have to go tho…

I haven’t been doing very well with eating either. I had lost 160 pounds and in the last year, I’ve gained about 30 back. I had been in a delusional state where I believed (no one could convince me I was wrong) if I ate, I would go blind. I starved myself for two years and suffered so badly that I was scared to even close my eyes and I was anemic. So once I came out of that, the impulse eating started again and I haven’t paid 100% attention to my carb intake. I literally put food I should not be eating in my mouth while I think, “wtf are you doing, don’t eat that crap!” Then, “this will be the last time, it’s ok just eat it”… it’s just this really unhealthy cycle I can’t stop. I spend way too much money on door dash.

Self care has just gone down the toilet and I know I need to get a handle on it. I feel like shit and I know it’s because of my diet… higher glucose levels and extra weight are pretty damaging… Showers are only a couple times a week and prob wouldn’t happen if my boyfriend wasn’t here. I don’t even get out of my pajamas unless I have to leave the house which is prob 2 times a month…

Ok, I’m done because this is just sad.

So, I know I need to get a handle on all this … but, I don’t care at the same time…

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Wow! You have been so kind, inspiring, and supportive of others, I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. You are a person to appreciate and admire, and have helped many others here.

Is the doctor you are now seeing the one who took over the practice? When the doctor I was seeing for 20 years retired, the doctor who took over already had hundreds of patients, and it was nearly impossible to see him. I had gone to see him before I became a patient with the doctor who retired. I gave him a rundown of my symptoms, and he said there was nothing he could do for me. I explained the same symptoms to the next doctor, who became my favorite, and she discovered that I had Lyme’s disease, and likely contracted it 20 years earlier. I was fortunate to find another doctor that I like, but it’s a bit of a long drive to get to her.

This might be a really good time for you to look for another doctor. However, regardless of how you feel about your current doctor, you need those prescriptions filled, so it’s in your best interest to put up with him until you get those meds. After you have at least a months worth of medications, then you can take a bit of time to look for another doctor.

There is also a possibility that this Dr. was having a bad day, and will treat you better at the next appointment. I got into the habit of having a note card with me, to keep me from forgetting questions that I wanted to ask, or symptoms I wanted to report.

My diet has been a train wreck most of my life, then about 10 years ago, both my diet and my weight stabilized. Before that, my hemoglobin A1c indicated that I was diabetic. I improved my diet, and started exercising. Since then, my A1c is only slightly above normal.

Exercise that increases your heart rate for about 20 minutes, triggers the release of endorphins that in some cases are better at counteracting depression than medication. I don’t know if it always works, but others have reported that exercise reduces cravings for unhealthy foods. It did work that way for me. Exercise helps a person think more clearly, which in itself is instrumental in maintaining a decent diet. I don’t know what physical limitations you may have, but if there’s any part of your body that can be active enough to increase your heart rate, it might be worth checking out how you feel after exercise.

Over the years, I probably gained and lost the weight of a 48 Buick. I was an emotional eater from early childhood, and was always one of the fattest kids in school. At the same time, I was anemic, because my diet was practically nothing but carbs. The yo-yo dieting started in my early teens, but gradually decreased by the time I was in my 30s. It still happened though except I would gain or lose 40 pounds instead of 100. I figured out that I had a very hard time maintaining the “ideal weight.” Whenever I tried, I would end up slowly gaining. So, when I decided to start losing, I cut back on calories, and as I lost weight, the amount that I lost gradually decreased, until finally I wasn’t losing anymore. So apparently I have a high weight “setpoint,” also one that is on the low weight side. My weight loss went beyond my target, by about 10 pounds, but I looked and felt good. I didn’t resume “normal” eating habits. I just gradually added tiny amounts to my daily intake until the scale nudged upwards a few pounds. Then I reduced my intake a tiny bit at a time until the scale stopped moving up.

I’ve heard it said that it’s a bad idea to weigh yourself daily, but that’s what I do. A couple of times in the past year, the scale told me that I needed to skip dessert for a couple of days. I think watching the scale is better than waiting for clothes to start fitting poorly. By the time that happens, it can take months to get the weight back off. One thing I never do is load my plate with a lot of food on special occasions, or splurge on a big meal with the idea that I can make up for it later. In other words, my intake is very very consistent.

Once eating habits are maintained for a few months without feasts or splurges, it becomes easier to continue doing so.

Why is that crap around anyway?

Recognize this for what it is: giving yourself permission to kick the can down the road, with no real expectation that you won’t kick it again.

It’s hard to care while anticipating failure.

You haven’t failed. You won’t fail. You simply have plenty of experience in discovering what doesn’t work.

Sudden drastic changes are rarely sustainable. Set small, conceivable and achievable goals. Consistently accomplishing them builds confidence. Confidence unleashes strength. The most impressive accomplishments consist of small conceivable and achievable goals, that are built upon. When it comes to adjusting diet, it just one spoonful or its equivalent less daily, for a few days or a week. Then you can move on to two spoon fulls less, and so on. That’s how you can bring about meaningful and sustainable change, without feeling as though you are suffering.

In the morning, get up, make the bed, and before you do anything else, take a shower. You will feel better for having done so all day long.

You are a very loving and lovable person. You deserve to feel happiness and contentment. Let it happen.

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No, I was driving an hour to see her because I moved. So, when she moved she referred me to a clinic 10 mins away that her friend works at. At the time, I was having trouble leaving the house so I went to the clinic two blocks away instead. Once they see that you’re “mentally ill” and on disability they do the minimum for you and get you out. I have to go to these clinics with the insurance I have being on disability. I don’t want to see this man anymore, I’ve already cut him out. That’s why I’m running out of refills. He just kept giving me refills without even seeing me for over a year. He could care less about me.

So, I’m trying to get into seeing the woman my original doctor referred me to in the first place lol.

I’ve struggled with my weight all my life. When I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes I was 306 pounds. I’ve done lots of different diets and forms of exercise growing up. My eating disorder is caused my impulsiveness and the inability to think of the consequences doing things like eating that unhealthy food or spending that money or having sex with that person etc in that moment. It’s part of BPD and I’ve only just discovered this. I always thought and was led to believe that it was just 100% failed will power. I know how to eat, but my brain just doesn’t work right in the moment of choice, ya know? I’m trying to figure that out.

I can’t really exercise much because I have fibromyalgia and a very bad foot that causes me a lot of pain. Just doing housework exhausts me.

Because I order it from door dash without thinking about it first. When I shop, I don’t buy crap at all tbh. The whole “this will be the last time” thing is what addicts do. It’s what I do when I want to get high and convince myself it will be the last time.

You’re right. I do have a routine in the morning and taking a shower is just too much some days. It’s hard enough to get out of bed sometimes. I do feel better after I take a shower tho and always think that wasn’t so bad. But, I don’t think about that before.

Thank you. I’m trying and people like you are helping me. :hrtlegolove:

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You’re an amazing person @Mystrose and I thank you again for helping and supporting and providing so much comfort and love to people here, while hurting and struggling yourself.

You matter, friend, not because of how much you help, but because you ARE. :slight_smile:
I hope the referred doctor will be more like your old doctor, and will be more attentive. Make notes like Wings suggested, and maybe point out those things the first doctor did that addressed a lot of your issues as well and made you feel more confident like checking your feet, etc.

Wishing you the best with that appointment, and we’re here for you!!

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Thank you @Sita I appreciate your kind words.

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Hi Lizzy
Whenever i go on the wall I see you supporting and helping others. Without you heartsupport would not be what it is. You can be proud for that. :slightly_smiling_face: I know the struggless with going to the doctors. My parents are doctors but for a time I was going to my psychyatrist and I also felt like I did not want to talk to her and tell her the truth about me because I felt as tho she did not care about me. Please try to find the original doctor that your doctor that moved away recomended. It might be your best bet right now. When it comes to healthy eating the best thing you can do is not to buy unhealthy food in the first place. Once it is in the house you are always at risk of overeating from it. Try to buy healthy food and plan your diet ahead. This might really help your food diet. Please take care of yourself. You matter and you should feel better. You can pull through this. I believe it. :slightly_smiling_face:

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I actually don’t buy unhealthy food when I shop, this is completely impulsive eating. I will order food to be delivered without thinking about it. My frontal lobe of my brain that controls decision making is literally not developed enough. In the moment, I’m not able to think about the consequences of spending money I don’t have to buy food I shouldn’t be eating. Then, once I have what I want I just tell myself it will be the last time…

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could u get your card blocked from the delivery place? Place your account on hold or something so you literally can’t get an order?

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Maybe your boyfriend can help you with that. Tell him that you struggle with this and ask him to check up on you. That might be able to help.

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Hello Lizzy,

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Mental health is extremely draining already, adding on physical health requires a different kind of strength, and you have it. It sucks not having the doctor you want because they’re literally looking after the way you function in your daily life. I’m really hoping you get the health care provider you deserve. Dont be afraid to speak up! There are a couple of things i can relate to. I’ve never said this to anybody before, but last year for whatever reason I swore i was infected with bugs. I believed they were literally coming out of my skin. Everytime i saw a fly or bug, it was because of me. I believed it 100% and it messed me up. I picked at my arms and legs like there was no tomorrow, leaving them scarred. Of course i had just been in a delusional state and it eventually went away without ever knowing why. When it came to food, I did struggle. I hated myself after eating a certain thing. “wtf are you doing don’t eat that crap!” describes it perfectly. It only okay’d me to eat more because “i might as well.” It’s not easy and you shouldn’t treat yourself as if it were. Your self care has definitely not gone down the toilet. A person who is actively searching for a professional who will care for their well-being, and will not settle, is someone who very much cares about themselves. Your physical health is very important, but just showering or getting dressed and going out are huge victories. I’m new, but i can see how many people adore you. So never forget there’s much more to you and many people rooting for you. (:

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lovely post!

Glad you’re also doing better!

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Hey @Mystrose,

I want to respond to you, and I wish I had some wisdom to share right now. But I’ve been too overwhelmed to be able to give a proper reply tonight. However, I still wanted to say that I’m very proud of you and I’m glad to see you reaching out the way you do. I think it takes a lot of strength and humility to acknowledge that you might have put your health aside for a while, especially for the sake of comfort eating. I can relate to your struggles with food and your worries regarding your health, so very much. For what it’s worth, you’re not alone. I hope to be able to respond in a better way tomorrow or in the next days. In any case, I’m sending love your way. This cycle can be broken down. With small steps always. And who knows, maybe you would find some accountability in this community too. You know we’re here for you.

I appreciate you, friend. I believe in you. Best of luck for your call tomorrow. You got this. These are good steps to take. :hrtlegolove:

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I don’t really know if I could and it sounds like a logical thing to do right? I’m not going to lie, if I want something, I’ll get it. Just like drugs. I know that sounds dark, but it’s the honest truth.

I’m a pretty good manipulator, I have BPD remember? lol Seriously, tho I begged him last night to not let me when I ask, but I’ll do it without him knowing sometimes and there isn’t anything he can do about it. We are working on this together.

Thank you for sharing this @mac000 and thank you for seeing me. I came out of my “if I eat, I’ll go blind” delusion slowly, but yeah there wasn’t anything I can remember that caused me to stop thinking that way. I was literally afraid to close my eyes and I lived in a world full of fear, anxiety and… I don’t even know how describe it.

At the same time, I was in two other delusions. One was that I was going to win the lottery… yes, people think that but I took it to extremes. Like shopping for house insurance and a gardener for my new house that I had picked out. I even stressed about how I was going to transport my animals there lol. When I would loose that draw and no one won, I would just say oh cool, next time I’ll get even more money! I believed it. I spent a lot of money in those few months.

So, yeah it’s nice to know someone that experiences this crap.

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You did and I see and appreciate how much you care enough to make sure I know (and everyone else here) that you see me. Be good to yourself today and just breathe. :hrtlegolove:

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Rooting for you and thinking of you today @Mystrose. You got this. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you. I just scheduled an appointment for the 3rd. :hrtlegolove:

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Yes! You’re the best.

May I ask how you feel about it? Just the perspective of it.

So very proud of you, friend. Seriously. :hrtlegolove:

I will keep the 3rd in my mind. Right next to you! Ready to cheer you up. :slight_smile:

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Thank you :hrtlegolove: After I hung up, I felt relief and kind of silly that I was so scared to. I just hope that paranoia won’t show it’s ugly face that day and I can get myself there.

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