So as I mentioned in my prior post for who’s seen it. I recently gave my girlfriend of a year a promise ring and am planning to ask her to marry me in august.
Here’s the issue though, she recently moved to a different department at work. I can’t stop thinking that she’s going to be eating lunch, laughing, and falling for somebody better. I constantly make comments including today such as “did you clock out there because it’s where the cute boys are?” Or “that won’t matter when you get tired of me” every time I don’t even know where it comes from, I can’t fight the thoughts that she’s going to or has found somebody better, and I can’t stop thinking I’m not enough. I’m unwanted, I’m not loveable. Today she said other people would have left by now but she stays because she loves me, and she said that when I say those things I think of it as a burn on myself but it hurts her as well, because I think she’ll just up and leave. And she’s not the only one, I’m pushing away all of the people I care about and trying to make them see me the way my destructive brain sees me. How do I make it stop?
Thank you so much for sharing all of this here (and congrats for planning to ask her to marry you!).
I think you really hit the nail on the head in your post. You describe the situation really well, and it shows how much you understand how this cycle tends to work. You feel insecure about yourself/your worth, so you project on her the fact that her love for you can only fade away sooner or later, that you will be left alone and that would be the confirmation of what you thought at first. It is, indeed, a kind of self-sabotage, and each time you can’t help but making those comments, it kind of feeds the cycle itself. The risk with that kind of situation, and you said it very well, is not that the person would leave you because of you, but because they would be tired of having to justify their love for you. You need reassurance, and you naturally seek it. But in the long run it can be overwhelming and hurtful for your significant other, and you understand that very well.
I don’t know if you ever considered it yet, but I would highly recommend you to seek therapy/counseling about this issue of yours. Your insecurities and how you perceive yourself don’t come from nowhere. You hold a personal story that you might need to understand a little more, with the help of a professional, but also to develop some coping mechanisms in the present. Overall, ways to gain more confidence in yourself and in the love that others pour into you.
You’ve made an important step by acknowledging this pattern and how it manifests in your life. I’d encourage you to make a step further and seek help with a counselor, in a neutral place, where you could be supported at your own pace and learn to truly see and embrace your own worth. Because indeed: your girlfriend is with you, and not with someone else! Now might be the time to initiate some inner work in order to learn to know yourself and find within you what people see through their own eyes when they say they love you.
