Self hatred, suicidal thoughts, anger

I feel like such a worthless piece of trash human being. I have nothing good to offer to the world. All I do is make trouble for those who care about me. My brother is going through a really rough time with bipolar and I still managed to screw up even trying to help him. I somehow managed to let the dark place in my mind where I keep my anger, negativity, and inadequacy leak into my family’s situation. I feel like everything about me is either bad or a lie. I never try anything new because deep down I know It’ll never make any difference.

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hello friend,
I’ve learnt that when I say that I am all-bad, all negative, I know that it can’t be true because everyone has at least one good quality or trait. Let’s look for it in your post!

  • There are those who care about you, and I see that you care about them, because you feel pain at the thought/belief that you’re making trouble for them

  • You tried to help your brother, through what has to be a bit of a challenging situation, which tells me that you are kind and loving, and willing to help and assist your loved ones. That’s an amazing quality!

  • You’re expressive, this post is clear and precise, and I understand the feelings you’re sharing with us here. That’s also an incredibly powerful ability, being able to convey what you feel.

  • You’re posting here, and sharing your feelings with us <3
    That one of the surest ways I know that you’re not all bad. It tells me that you’re hurting.

And I really hope that we can help you see the awesome person you are. I’m sure the world is better with you in it! I’m sure others are gonna say it, You Matter. You’re a person with air in your lungs and a beating heart, so that means that you’re worthy of love :slight_smile:

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Hey @Daydreamer2022,

Welcome to the community. I’m very glad you’re reaching out and sharing with us how you feel and what’s going on in your life.

I hear that you want to be there for others. This is very difficult, at times even impossible, when you’re in a bad place yourself. You’re struggling, which is something to acknowledge and not to beat yourself up for. You care so much about others and are compassionate. This is also the person you need to be for yourself.

Trying something new can be very scary. Maybe there is anxiety, we don’t know how it will be, if we like it or not, doubting whether we’ll be good at it might be a problem. The only important thing is to find out if that’s something we enjoy doing. Nothing else matters. Trying always makes a difference. You make new experiences. Everything you experience is an opportunity for your own growth. Afterwards, you won’t be the same person as before, even if you may not notice it right away. I recently made the experience that trying something new can have a huge impact, despite my tremendous fears and doubts whether this would be worth the risk. It was. I dearly wish for you to make new experiences.

Take good care of yourself. You’re more than worth it. Maybe talking to someone who could help you coping with difficult emotions and negative thought patterns would be helpful, but I’m just making suggestions. You’re loved and valued. You matter. Thank you for reaching out. :hrtlegolove:

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I’m scared that the dark part of me is all there is. I’m scared that the things about me that are good are fake and that I’m just living a big lie. I already live a lie where I’m a completely different person outside of my home because I’m afraid that if they saw the real me they would abandon me just like my brother and sister did. I’m afraid that all I am is a monster that lashes out at the people who care about me and leaves wounds that are slow to heal.

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Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I’m so sorry how your siblings treated you. You’re not a monster. You’ve been hurt very deeply and all you’re trying to do is to protect yourself, to make sure that this wound that is still hurting isn’t torn open again. This includes hurting others who dare to come too close to drive them away.
I can relate to this so well. Siblings can leave very deep wounds behind. It requires to look deeper into that, to understand what happened, to rationalize their behaviors, to internalize that their behaviors don’t say anything about us but about their own pain and frustration they targeted at us, and to become aware that their behavior doesn’t mean that others will treat us the same. Someone by your side along the way might be helpful to you. It isn’t easy to overcome this. From my own experience I know that we carry the beliefs about ourselves we derived from this deeply inside of us.
Your siblings were very wrong in how they treated and talked to you. You are valued and loved, and you are worth to work through it, to heal the wounds, and to feel better about yourself. Sending much love your way. :hrtlegolove:

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Daydreamer2022, thank you for posting. I wanted to check up on you and see how you are doing. It sounds like your inner critic has been hard at work. Your inner critic is that little voice inside that tells you that you are worthless and I’ll tell you a secret… It’s lying to you. You ARE worthy and you ARE enough. Let us know how you are doing. ~Mystrose

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From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi Daydreamer2022. I dont think you just make trouble for the people around you that is simply not true. Everybody has their shadow, the things like anger and fear. The things that they are struggling and one must learn to express them in healthy ways. Family is there to help, thats what family is for. You have a lot of good in you. I believe it. You have a lot of self reflection too. I hope things will get better on your end. I wish you the best :slightly_smiling_face:

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“You need to be buried deep in the dirt before you can find your bloom.”

Hello there,

I am so proud of you for reaching out and posting on the HeartSupport Wall, so we can come and encourage you through this difficult time. I believe that we all have had those moments where we feel like we are ‘less than’ and I know that I have experienced it as well. You are so much more than your thoughts and feelings. You are capable of amazing things. You have so much to offer this world, but you might just have to look for that thing. You might be an artist. You might be a great listener. You might be able to fix complex things. Seek that thing. I believe in you. Find joy. Find sunshine. Find hope.

You are amazing. You are valid. You are strong. You are worthy. You are enough. You matter. :yellow_heart:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, I know its been a couple of weeks since you posted this but welcome and thank you for this post, I am so sorry life has been so difficult for you. I would love to start by telling you that you are no worthless by any sense of the word, You are a valuable and worthy human being who is loved. I cannot personally relate to having bipolar but I do know that it is incredibly difficult to live with and I hope you are getting good support for that? Do you have any therapy or mental health care? I would really like you to be part of this community and get to know more people if indeed that is what you would like as it seems you may get to make some friends and realise that you are just as important as everyone else. Please stay in touch. Much Love Lisa. x

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Welcome to the community, Daydreamer2022 and thank you for sharing these thoughts with us :hrtlegolove:

Reading your post touched me on a very personal level. I can feel your words. I cannot relate to your exact situation but the way you feel about letting the darkness affect your family hits very close to home for me. I’m sorry you are feeling that way. Even though your brother is struggling himself it does not make your struggles or your feelings any less valid. If your family does not know about your struggles I hope you find the courage to share with them so they can support you the way you try to support your brother. You deserve just as much love and support as he does.

I hope you come back and post again. This is a good place for expressing yourself. Please keep sharing :hrtlegolove:

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