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Self hatred/unworthy?

i keep struggling with this. i had asked two of my closest friends earlier this year (one of which has left my life completely and the other we hardly talk now) to compliment me and neither of them had said anything in response to it. my now closest friends version of a compliment is calling me caring or something. i don’t hold it against him because it is technically a compliment, i just think compliments should be things unique to that person, not something that can be used as a broad term. a dog could be called caring, i don’t want that to be the only good thing that i can be called…. which i feel guilty for thinking because it’s not like i’ve told him that. i feel guilty for ever sharing anything that bothers me with him. he calls himself unreliable because of his mental health but still says he wants me to talk about the things that bother me with him but how am i meant to if i feel extremely guilty and selfish to a point where i think of killing myself for being so inconsiderate of his feelings? how am i supposed to do that? i wish i could rely on you more. i’m sorry. i’m sorry for ever making you feel like you needed to be reliable in the first place.

i just want to feel special in some way. i want to know that not everything about me is horrible. i want somebody close to me to say this. just one thing… just one thing that’s good. do i not even have a single thing that’s good about me?? am i really that terrible? am i that disgusting? jeez… kind of laughable at this point :slight_smile: oh well i guess. just how it goes, right? maybe i’ll let the hate kill me at some point. seems like it’d be the better option for everyone around me

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Hey @echo,

You are special and you are unique. There is no one on this planet that is like you. You are a combination of a unique story, a unique personality, a unique outlook on life and on the world itself. That is what makes you so unique and special.

People who genuinely love you have those feelings because you are you. It’s a tough concept to wrap our head around when we really have a hard time to see any value in ourselves though. There’s this huge difference between what others say or reflect on us, and how we feel deep inside. Instinctively, if what someone says doesn’t align with our own perception, we can’t help but questioning their intentions.

Compliments though, are by definition about attitudes, personality traits or characteristics that not just one individual holds. That doesn’t mean we are not special or have no quality. Others reality and presence doesn’t invalidate our own.

When your friend said that you are caring, it was a compliment. He certainly didn’t say “you are caring like any other person”. He meant that you genuinely care about others and he saw that in you because he had the privilege to be impacted by this quality that you have. Maybe there were times when you have shown how much you cared about him? And maybe it has been, since then, part of how he perceives you: someone who wants them to be okay, who has good intentions. In a world like ours, sometimes very full of chaos and violence, being a caring person is a very precious way to be.

It is also obvious that you are, indeed, very caring since you’d rather put your own needs after the ones of your friends. As you’ve said, you tend to feel guilty and selfish for having contradictions and not necessarily agreeing with your friend. You’re afraid of hurting them. You don’t want them to be uncomfortable. That is, Echo, a very great quality. Even though you might need to learn to balance that in a way that doesn’t hurt you either in the future - these dark thoughts about hurting yourself are not something you deserve*.

Having not even one single thing about you that wouldn’t be good is impossible by definition. As human beings, we are very complex, and we are constantly changing thanks to the experiences we go through. The challenge there is, in my opinion, in your ability to see and embrace what is actually beautiful and good about yourself. Unfortunately, we can be reassured over and over by others, but ultimately if we don’t see ourselves as a whole, in a more fair way (and not a self-deprecative one), then people can tell us as many compliments they as want, we’ll still deny or reject them.

If you could name one thing about yourself that you appreciate, a quality that you own, something you are proud of, what could it be?

I’ll start: I think you are a brave person. I’ve seen you posting on the Wall for a while now, about many different things happening in your life. I know you have been through some very, very rough times and still struggle. I know you are carrying your share of grief too. I think it is very brave of you to not give up on yourself despite these hardships. It is brave to reach out, every single time you do it, even if it doesn’t feel like this for you. That is how I see it, it’s my perception of you, and whether you agree or not, I can tell that bravery and resilience are part of who you are. It’s part of what your heart is made of.

Don’t let the hate (or self-hate) take the best of you, friend. Self-love and self-acceptance are learning process that can be VERY frustrating and discouraging at times. I can tell you though, you are beautiful and enough as you are. I hope you will keep betting on our honesty here and the trust you can have in us in order to gather all the strength that you will need to go through this rough patch. You are loved, Echo. So very much. Let’s keep fighting together. :hrtlegolove:

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Have you thought that perhaps you did something or said something to him that could have really helped him? That’s what he loves most about you? Maybe you showed him something he needed to get thru the day. There could be really good reasons for calling you caring.

I think being called caring is very awesome and it shows that you’ve showed your friend that you are a loving person. We all know you are here too.

:hrtlegolove:

Just as a side note, I asked my xboyfriend why he loved me and the only thing he could think of was, “because you’re cool” pretty funny when I think about it now, but it didn’t feel good back then.

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Hi echo :slightly_smiling_face:
I think you are not unlikable, unlovable or ugly or anything like that. It may not seem like that but complimenting somebody is hard. It is even hard when you are trying to do it to yourself. Just because you like to hang out with somebody you might not know why that is exactly, you might just feel it. You might place a name on it like caring, funny, or cool but it does not really describe it. It is hard to describe something like that. Just because somebody cant place the exact reason why they like you does not mean there isnt one because there is. I just feel like you should now that. :slightly_smiling_face: You are special echo. Dont doubt that. :wink:

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