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Self worth learning experience and vent

I saw the heartsupport stream today with @amandaruthart and I just need to tell somebody else about this right now.

This was about a couple months ago. Me and two other people were doing a group rp (role play) together. I had to go to sleep so the two other people understandably continued without me. When I find out, I feel very rejected and left out, so I tell them to go on without me. I then go and vent in the same server about how I felt that it was unfair. I’m going to be honest though, I exaggerated my emotions in that message to try and get a reaction. I wanted someone to come and comfort me. So when someone understandably took the other two people’s side, I freaked out a bit. I didn’t know what to do. At this point I felt even more rejected and unwanted. I just stated that I felt very upset by that response, that it made me feel invalidated and scared, and I left the server. I was scared that by staying, I would escalate things, but things escalated on their own. I take some time to cool off and think about what just happened and it doesn’t take me long to realise that I was seeking validation. I was looking for a reaction because I was basing my self worth off of them. If they were happy with me, then I felt good about myself, if they were mad at me, then I felt awful about myself. I quickly send out apologies to everyone involved, and start learning how to base my self worth off of myself (and I’m still learning). Well 4 days later I get a message from a mod saying that I’m not allowed back into the server because some people are saying that I’m “manipulative” and a “guilt tripper”. It hurt because it’s like, why couldn’t the people who have a problem with me say it to my face? Why did they have to go and talk behind my back? It just- It took me a few weeks to get over it… Now a week or so ago, one of the people from the server just went to me alt account, not even my main, and only said “bye :wave:” before blocking me. Like I’m glad she blocked me and all, good riddance it’s obvious that she was one of the ones talking behind my back… I’m just frustrated because I was over them. I was over everyone and that server. She set me back now and I’m just now getting back over it… it’s frustrating, because she really didn’t have to say anything. It could’ve been silent and I wouldn’t have cared. I’ve silently blocked her on every social media so she can’t contact me- it’s just frustrating. But anyway yeah. It’s been a learning experience. I’ve learned that Communication is very important, that I have a tendency to base my self worth off of others although I am learning to recognise and stop that, and I found out who my real friends are in the end. Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a nice day.

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I’ve learned that Communication is very important, that I have a tendency to base my self worth off of others although I am learning to recognise and stop that, and I found out who my real friends are in the end.

These two things alone are very, very important to realize, and it’s going to bring you on a journey that will allow you to both learn to love yourself a little more, and to maintain healthier relationships with people.

I truly commend you for acknowledging that you were seeking valdiation. Unfortunately, it’s something that is often perceived in a very negative way, because people can feel manipulated to some extent. However, I personally believe that we all need to feel validated at some point. It’s a human need, and it doesn’t hurt sometimes to be reminded of that. People who are called “attention seekers” are human beings, but still there’s this tendency to shame and guilt them, which I personally disapprove, just because that’s not a situation can be resolved, and certainly not how healing can happen. Yes, it sucks that some people will manipulate (mostly unconsciously) in order to get the attention they want. But if someone acknowledges that and the door in front of them remains closed, then it also sends a contradictory message, which is basically “I don’t like how you behave… but I also disapprove that you want to change it”. Unfortunately, sometimes when people hold resentment, they’re not ready to give up on it.

The way these people ended their relationship with you was brutal, and I think it was unfair. Mistakes were made, yes, but you had the strength and bravery to say “hey, I think I need to better myself on this matter and learn to see my worth as it is, not based on your appreciation…”. It saddens me that they didn’t see how brave that was because you had to go through a grief that wasn’t necessary afterwards.

However, the things you’ve acknowledged are things that you own now, and I have no doubt that it’s going to be the beginning of some healing for you. Some experiences, as painful as they are, can still help us learn important things about ourselves and about others. Some kind of growing pains, to put it differently. I’m glad that despite the pain that this situation brings, you’ve managed to find some clarity and still are learning to let it stop your own growth.

Thank you so much for sharing this story of yours. There are some beautiful lessons there that are certainly going to be inspiring for people who’ll read it.

Take care, Miststar. You’re doing great. :hrtlegolove:

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Oh dear, I know what it feels like to look for one person to support you or be on your side, to look for someone who makes you feel that you exist in this life. , and for myself I see you very brave to admit this and that you are a spontaneous person and you have a very beautiful thing, honestly I know that the way these people were harsh on you but it is life, you know not everyone is looking for our interest in this world and not everyone cares about our feelings, just remember That someone cares about you here, we love you all and we will continue to support you!

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Hey Milststar,

AmandaRuthArt responded to your post live on YouTube!

Here is a link to the video so you can hear their reply.

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