I saw the heartsupport stream today with @amandaruthart and I just need to tell somebody else about this right now.
This was about a couple months ago. Me and two other people were doing a group rp (role play) together. I had to go to sleep so the two other people understandably continued without me. When I find out, I feel very rejected and left out, so I tell them to go on without me. I then go and vent in the same server about how I felt that it was unfair. I’m going to be honest though, I exaggerated my emotions in that message to try and get a reaction. I wanted someone to come and comfort me. So when someone understandably took the other two people’s side, I freaked out a bit. I didn’t know what to do. At this point I felt even more rejected and unwanted. I just stated that I felt very upset by that response, that it made me feel invalidated and scared, and I left the server. I was scared that by staying, I would escalate things, but things escalated on their own. I take some time to cool off and think about what just happened and it doesn’t take me long to realise that I was seeking validation. I was looking for a reaction because I was basing my self worth off of them. If they were happy with me, then I felt good about myself, if they were mad at me, then I felt awful about myself. I quickly send out apologies to everyone involved, and start learning how to base my self worth off of myself (and I’m still learning). Well 4 days later I get a message from a mod saying that I’m not allowed back into the server because some people are saying that I’m “manipulative” and a “guilt tripper”. It hurt because it’s like, why couldn’t the people who have a problem with me say it to my face? Why did they have to go and talk behind my back? It just- It took me a few weeks to get over it… Now a week or so ago, one of the people from the server just went to me alt account, not even my main, and only said “bye ” before blocking me. Like I’m glad she blocked me and all, good riddance it’s obvious that she was one of the ones talking behind my back… I’m just frustrated because I was over them. I was over everyone and that server. She set me back now and I’m just now getting back over it… it’s frustrating, because she really didn’t have to say anything. It could’ve been silent and I wouldn’t have cared. I’ve silently blocked her on every social media so she can’t contact me- it’s just frustrating. But anyway yeah. It’s been a learning experience. I’ve learned that Communication is very important, that I have a tendency to base my self worth off of others although I am learning to recognise and stop that, and I found out who my real friends are in the end. Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a nice day.