Severe Depressions. My Life Story

[Ezra]

Hello All,

I just stumbled accross HeartSupport Twitch Stream, and also joined the Discord Server. I just recently had a Break Down due to a Burn Out, and I am currently on sick leave. I am 49, German, and I would like to share my life story, so I do easier explaining what is going on with me:

I am the youngest of 3 childs. My brother and sister are each 2 years apart. My parents had a small company, my father doing steel constructions and tanks for chemical industry. just a small family business.
About my early childhood, I do hardly remember anything, I do not have any memories of being hugged by parents. I actually recall my mother mostly screaming or in a bad mood.
She was that kind of personality who gained her own strength by abusing others. verbally and physically or enjoying when my father hit me.
When she was in a bad mood she did what I call the interrogation. I was placed in front of them, and they questioned every single thing I did. If I didn’t put my dirty clothes away this could lead to a 4 hr lecture what a bad spoild kid I am always ending with my father deciding on my physical punishment.
but it wasn’t that I did something wrong and got punished… at the next lecture, this misbehaving was digged out again, and taken as example how much I needed to be punished again. It was an endless story.
When I was 14 my parents decided that I am old enough to work. So I had to work every school free day, meaning saturdays and sundays. and if there were school holidays monday through sunday with each 10hrs a day
When I tried to resist, it was interrogation and punishment time again so once I got locked in my room alone all day, to teach me how good working was.
They threatend to take away all my furniture, a matress and a box for my clothes would be enough
So it actually was school for me to relax from work.
Additionally my father didn’t have really a good work structure. It was not about completing something, but keeping working.
If I finished my daily work early I got in trouble. because it was a sign of lazyness, followed again by interrogation and punishment.

I was not as good in school as my siblings. They got more support from my parents than me and it ended up, that they called me dumb and retarted.
My parents supported that by telling me, if I was better at school this wouldn’t happen

with 17 I finally started my apprenticeship, at a school for mechanical engineering.

it was the first time with normal working hours, was home at 4pm.
My father tried to force me to work after that time more and at saturdays and sundays.
I managed to reduce that to weekend working only, not without feeling letting my parents down.

I tried to build up friendships, but my social skills lacked (today I know why) and I wasn’t really able to become a member of a group.

I always felt dumb and retrarted among others my age. they were capable of so much more in social interacting, which eventually led that I avoided that.

I had my first gf with 18, it only lasted a couple of months. My mother interfered a lot and more or less scared my gf away, my lack of social interaction skills did the rest.

When I finally finished my apprentice ship as a skilled worker it was common that there is graduation ceremony, where usually the aprentices appear with their parents.

My parents refused to go there. it was a waste of time.
After apprentice ship I would have to do military service (which was mandatory at this time in germany)

After I was scared of that group preassure, and all the scary stories I heard, I decided to do social service instead. I did my service time at an institution for mental disabled
My father was extreamly mad about this decision, he said that the training would have done me good and made a real man out of me.
After that time I did school again (and working at my free time at my fathers again) and finally graduated with the level to join university.

There too was a graduation ceremony, to which my parents also didn’t want to attend
After that I started studying mechanical engineering. I wasn’t the best student but I was ok.
My parents also didn’t approve of this. and they did everything to put preassure on my to chancel my study, so I could work more in family business
They put that much preassure on me, that I finally decided to give up any resistance and just do as they tell me, hoping that that constant degrading preassure would end.

With 25 I moved out from home because I couldn’t stand it longer. My father used to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me he had forgotten to prepare plans for the next day of work, and that I had to do them now.
he then went to bed, and I worked the night. being expected to work the next day.

when I moved out, my parents put that much preassure on me that I was close to suicide the first time.
I was at my new appartement, convinced I would let my parents down, and I deseve it being treated as the shit I am. I eventually got over it (a bit) - that was in the 90s.

I used to have close friends now and then and it somehow always ended the same way. I got avoided, and eventually ghosted. Noone ever had the guts, to tell me what was wrong. After I was the only joint factor, I know it was something with me but I never really found out what it was.
This added up to my feelings that I am just not worthy enough
With 30 I finally made my handcrafts master degree. Usually that is celebrated a lot. with a graduation celebration, and families and friends celebrate that too.

For me it was just another step to become a better worker for my fathers needs, it was just the expected thing to do.
In my early 30s I also had a growing sexual desire. I did not have much experiance, but I eventually joined some adult chat sites and got into some fetish stuff. it was easier to get in contact with someone if you were into some fetish things.
It took me a while to realizes that it is not me the women was interested in, but in me being a helper to fulfull her sexual fetish needs and I again kinda felt used. What I was as a man, as human being was not important.
So it went more down the drain for me, I reduced contacts, and finally was only working. It was the only thing I was useful for.

About 6 years ago, my father decided that I shall take over family business - only on paper to have that bank credits running after my father was already in is 70s. Of course he was still the boss and decided what had to be done. Including telling me, what I did wrong on a daily basis. Also including that I stink when I showed up for work (of course I had a shower in the morning). My father got ill a year later and died.

When I took over the company we already owed a lot of money to the bank and suppliers. I tried to work hard and harder with 7 days week but eventually I had to file for bancrupcy in may this year. Luckily I was able to sell the company, and all my workers kept their job. I was hired as technical manager, however the amount of work stayed the same.

3 weeks ago I had 2 breakdowns in my office and my doc diagonsted a severe burn out, and sent me on sick leave for at least 3 weeks, which got extended again last friday. Despite I try to do the most urgent work I am unable to work more than 1 or 2 hours a day. Sometimes not even that. I got a transfere to a psychological counselor, with whom I got one session so far. The next appointment will be end of september.

I had depressions earlier, but I was able to “work them away”. Now that I am unable to work, everything comes up, and feel absolutely worthless and unable to perform anything usable. Not only that I do not function any more, I do hard seeing any purpose in going on. It gets worse each day. In the beginning I was able to distract myself with joining a twitch community where I befriended the streamer and some other folks, but a summary of events (which I most likely handled wrong) lead to the point that I am not welcome there any more.

I gladly was able to befriend another streamer who is extreamly understanding and helpful, also in helping to understand the dynamics of the community, and either he confirmed my experiances or helped me to understand what I identified wrong.

At the moment I do have the intense urge to build up new social contacts, and being not able to talk to someone, or experiancing the rejection of others trigger the worst self destruction impulses which usually last for about 1 to 2 hours.

I am not fishing for sympathy, which is of course welcome. My wish is to understand what is happening with me, how to work on me, and get back to a point, where I can start a new life. I will continue to write here about what detailed problems I have, and I hope my experiance is welcome to share.

Ishwood

[Micro]

Thank you so much for sharing all of this @Ezra. Also, welcome here.

My heart goes out to you, sincerely. And for what it’s worth, I recognize a lot of myself in your story, also in the words you use. I’m 27, grew up with an abusive mom (physically, emotionally), currently not working and unable to (lost my job for different reasons than this, but I’ve been diagnosed for a burn out at the beginning of the year - second time it happens in my life already). The kid that I was, the adult that I am now, are feeling for you. Entirely.

You grew up being told and showed that love has to be earned. You parents made you believe in many ways that something was wrong with you, while it was about them. You had to perform life while you didn’t deserve any of this. You know that already. You know how it was, you put words on what happened, which is already awesome. But changing how we’ve been functioning for a very long time is a long process.

It sounds that, right now, you are feeling it. Like your walls are breaking. Maybe for the first time? Personally, for the past few weeks I’ve been feeling like I’m just awaking from a nightmare. I didn’t realize - and admitted - how much the crappy childhood I had just shaped me. I knew it. But it felt more like something vague, almost like it happened in a different life. Now I see the impact. Gathering the pieces of the same puzzle. I also didn’t realize the amount of things that are emotional triggers to me, and how vulnerable I feel just by existing.

I don’t know if you already had the possibility in your life to sit down with all this and really reflect on your story like you’re doing these days, to understand what happened… and allow yourself to grieve. As you said, you had depressions, which were red flags, but somehow this has been pushed away. In any case, know that you’re not alone. And you’re not lost in this.

My own experience is so small, it feels like the things I’m understanding are all very new and I don’t want to give the impression of pretenting to know everything. Just want to express the fact that I relate especially right now, and if you ever want to discuss about it, my DMs will always be open to you.

I want to believe that the position you’re in, right now, is positive. It’s probably emotionally very messy, hard to find a sense of clarity through all this. But the fact that it is happening is, I think, positive. It’s a change you’ve been needing for a long time. Yes… with breakdowns, unfortunately. Because you’ve been strong for so long.

I know breakdowns are scary, overwhelming, discouraging. It freaking hurts. It’s like rewriting everything in your life. But it also shows that it wasn’t really working before. Your mind, your body said stop. A burn out, like you’re experiencing, is the sign that something has to be changed. And as you mention that everything comes up now… then it means you’re ready to face it. To start not just to survive, but to heal and live. As you said - and the words you use mean a lot - : to start a new life.

You’ll need all the help possible for that. This community is definitely a resource you can count on. Also, it’s awesome that you’re seeing a counselor. I hope they’ll make you feel safe enough to talk about what happened while you’re processing and trying to put words on what’s going on in your inner world. The emotions you’re experiencing, whether it’s moments of despair or daily joys. All of them counts. All of you matter.

The therapist I’ve been meeting recently mentioned the possibility of dealing with the effects “complex trauma” to me. It’s something another therapist mentioned years ago, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. I’ve started put myself in a position of understanding what’s going on with my heart. Been reading two books that happened to be very helpful - even if diving into this is really painful sometimes. I also read some threads from time time, of another community on Reddit. And I’m not a professional/not saying that’s what you are experiencing, but I can send you the links/references if you want - no problem at all. It’s been helping me at least to put words on what I’m going through, also to feel less alone in regards of some deep emotions/feelings that are really hard to describe to others. Like a deep sense of hopelessness, of not belonging, a lack of meaning, or being a bother to this world just by breathing.

You’ve been surviving with the means that you had. And I want to celebrate that with you today. Because it allows you to share your experience here. And it will allow you to make the right decisions for yourself.

If I may ask, how have you been handling the fact that you don’t work+everything comes up until now? Do you manage to take care of yourself/give some room to yourself - so you can get things off your chest or just breathe and enjoy something you like?

I’m rooting for you. Wholeheartedly.
You have a beautiful path ahead of you, even if you don’t know how it looks like for now. Give your heart, your mind and your body the time it needs.

[Ezra]

Thank you for your fast reply. I will now write an answer to it, but wanted to first let you know that I am on it.

[Ezra]

Thank you again for reaching out to me. It is good to know that I am not alone with this exepriance, and that we both share the combination of abusive parents and burnout. I think this combination has its special needs.

One thing you wrote really highlighted in my head when I read it:

@Micro

You grew up being told and showed that love has to be earned.

No, it was worse. The best I could earn was not to be punished. Not to be humiliated. And this is a really intense subject, it deserves a post of its own.

I never ever really experianced that I was wanted, desired, not talking of being loved. That even went on with “friends” I had during my life, and finally now in that last community I mentioned. The best I could achive was being tolerated - and I hardly experianced being accepted. I am describing my own feelings here, not the actual situation, please understand this, as I don’t want to blame others.

If I had to explain what is happeing here, is like you are given the active ability to being loved by others. If you don’t have that ability, no matter what you do, noone will really love or desire you. Noone will contact you because you are missed, noone will reach out for you because you are needed on an emotional level. The best I could achive activly is others to allow me to be around. And this is hard work for me. Otherwise I am invisible for others. They don’t recognize me as a human being. It is hard work, not to be invisible. Too hard work for me right now. I experianced that in the last community I was in. I have the feeling that I just said one word wrong, and everybody dropped me as a hot stone.

In the past I have tried to force my way into the community, force to be accepted. Of course this led to more rejection and more ghosting - I understand why it is, but not the dynamics behind. I have seen others behaving way worse, and got desired to be friends.

This is why I left the community, despite I was told I was welcome to hang around, the single persons made me clear that they don’t want personal contact with me, either by ignoring me, or in one case I was told so.

The members of the community I still have contact with behave distanced, and only react to my contact approaches slowly and with hesitation. The message I receive is clear “It’d be better if you don’t approach me”

It is like my existance is being denied. It makes no difference if I am there or not, and its better I am not.

I have not received one DM, or from former real life friends with just the question “How are you, I am worried, are you doing ok?” - I do not recall this ever happening. (This is not a request to so)

If I contact someone, I always have the feeling I have to apologizes for disturbing, and that I need to appreciate that I receive an answer.

I am fighting so hard to exist - that is why I am so grateful you recognize me, you see me, you took the time to answer.

[Micro]

Thank you for taking the time to respond as well. That really means a lot.

And indeed, you bring a lot of important - and interesting - things here.

Feeling invisible, fighting hard to exist… those few words say so much. I understand this need to be acknowledged, really. And heard. Not with what others would expect you to be or to say, but with you as a person, a human being made of unique feelings, dreams, desires, emotions. As someone who has a voice.

When someone feel that they did something wrong, they can separate their action from them as a person. But when you feel like something’s wrong with you, it’s a whole another struggle. I guess there’s no perfect recipe, but certainly some balance to be found. Feeling afraid to bother others… man. I’m a pro at deleting what I send, share, but also to just hide in silence. I hide in observation and silence. Feel like walking on eggshells all.the.time. It’s exhausting. Frustrating. Disappointing. All at once. It’s so easy to be back in a state of “being invisible” (especially if someone gives us a reason to do so), and it requires so much energy to get out of it. It’s hard to learn to know how to “take space”. But it’s possible. And worth it.

I know how much it costs to get out of this shell. And it’s a great honor that you do to this community by being here and writing all of this.You are definitely not invisible. And I wish you crossed before in your life the path of people who would have said this to you. With no interest, no expectations. Only people who’d express the fact that you are seen. Even if you may not really know yourself or why you are here yet. You are. I can tell you, that’s freaking beautiful, and you’re enough just by being.

I’m sorry it didn’t went well in the community you mention. Honestly, HeartSupport has been an incredible pillar of strength to me for the last year. Through streams, here on the Support Wall and discussions on Discord. I hope with all my heart that this place will be a great resource to you too.
Personally, I don’t talk to a lot of people. But I’ve met some incredible human beings here. Who see others, hear them and don’t judge. When I arrived here I had no hope or faith in humanity anymore. I’ve been “practicing” my capacity to trust, at my own pace, in this safe environment. Trust is so hard to give. Like you, I had my share of situations when I was forgotten or genuinely ghosted in the past. The silent treatment is the worst. And I don’t blame others either. I just feel very vulnerable when it’s about relationships. It’s easy to fall in that trap of: having expectations, hurting and being unable to say it… then turn it against ourselves. It’s hard to put ourselves out there when we don’t really know who we are showing to others, and if we’re wondering if this person that we are is worthy or not.

No, it was worse. The best I could earn was not to be punished. Not to be humiliated. And this is a really intense subject, it deserves a post of its own.

You’re right, that’s different…
As a kid, you can only love, even if you’re treated in so many horrible ways. There’s a lot of compassion to have for this child that you were. You did your best given the circumstances. Really.

If you ever want to discuss about this one day, feel always free to share what’s in your heart. But no pressure. Always what makes you comfortable. This is your post, your place, and it’s about you.

I’m about to sleep (it’s 00:40 where I live ), but I want to really thank you for being here. I hope you can find some comfort knowing that you are not alone. And I hope that, by being here in this community, it would be the beginning of a restorative story for you. You deserve peace and healing.

I’m really glad you’re here. And know that we - as a community - are in this with you. To listen, share experiences, encourage you through those steps you are about to take for your well-being.

[Ezra]

Good morning Micro,

I just got up, and it seems we both are in europe.

@Micro

I’m a pro at deleting what I send, share, but also to just hide in silence. I hide in observation and silence. Feel like walking on eggshells all.the.time . It’s exhausting. Frustrating. Disappointing. All at once. It’s so easy to be back in a state of “being invisible”

It hardly was that I wanted to be invisible and hide. It just was a fact that I was invisible and I had to work hard to get acknowledged. I felt that I always had to provide something special (either my workforce, help with something etc) and if I couldn’t or just wasn’t able to, I was easily forgotten. I did my own experiments on that earlier, where I just didn’t appear in a community for a few days or weeks, and when I reappeard, people just didn’t notice I was gone.

This is also what adds up to my general feeling - if I was gone in general, noone would really miss me. I leave no impact whatsoever, and when I am gone, I am forgotten within minutes.

I recall a situation where I was out with a few friends. We were at a bar and I went to toilet and had a short business related phone call. when I came back after 10 minutes everybody was gone. When I called one of them they said they didn’t realize I was even with them in the first place, and they didn’t leave me there on purpose.

Situations like this happend often, more or less intense. In the last community I was, when I entered a voice chat or send good morning message, I usually get a “Hey Ish” - others are greeted loudly with joy and passion, even if they just had been away for an hour or so.

This all adds up to the feeling just being tolerated. Being allowed to join others and not having the feeling to be part of it adds to the humilation.

Compared to that I do have the need to be around other people and the wish to communicate - but if I feel how unwanted I am, I feel guity demanding something what I am not supposed to ask for.

It is the same with the last community I was in. I still try to understand what went wrong, why I didn’t fit into the dynamics of the group. I still have the feeling that there were persons who wanted to push me out, and that they activly worked on destroying my reputation. On the other side, I am aware that my mental situation tends to make up paranoid thoughts like that, and the reality is most likely somewhere inbetween or even the total opposit of what I think it is.

This all makes it even harder, if I try to analyse it, I take into consideration that I was too paranoid - and showed that in my behavior and that I maybe deserved the treatment I am experiancing.

So what I tried to do in the past is, to accept the fact that I am invisible. It is just the way it is. Like if you have lost a hand or a foot, you just have to deal with it as it is and make the best of it. My ability to be seen is just amputated and there is no way to get it back.

Still the desire to be seen is there, to have more deep connection, which aren’t that fragile I do have to fear that if I am not exactly the person the other side expects me to be everything will break again, and I end up alone.

The world is like a one-sided Mirror. On the see-through side I am standing alone, and watch how life could be, how others have deep friendships and relationships, get trusted and forgiven if something wents wrong. They show me how much joy life can be, and I cannot participate. And if I try to join in I run against that wall and others just hear that short bang, and forget about it instantly.

I know this has something to do with the fact that my parents always locked me away, and didn’t allow me to have social interactions in my youth and growing up, and interfered with those I had. But I do not understand how that has affected me, and how this made me such a burden for others.

Feeling I am a burden for others add up to my self destructive elements, It is like I was myself abusive, and hurting others, and that is why they need to avoid me, even if I don’t understand with what and how I hurt them. I feel guilty for my desires. A guilt I sometimes cannot bear any longer.

I just don’t want to be a burden. .

[Micro]

Good morning! EU citizen indeed (in Belgium, moved from France ).

I know this has something to do with the fact that my parents always locked me away, and didn’t allow me to have social interactions in my youth and growing up, and interfered with those I had. But I do not understand how that has affected me, and how this made me such a burden for others.

For sure. As a child, you build your capacity to interact and communicate with others. It makes sense that being deprived of this fundamental need had an impact, even years after. Especially since the only constant examples that you had next to you were everything but loving or safe.

Those things are what you’ll be able to learn, especially through therapy, and in regards of your own story. Understanding how you perceive yourself, how you perceive others, and what is triggering to you when it’s a matter of communicating with others, is so important. This is definitely something that you could bring to your counselor as a matter of discussion.

It’s interesting that you say: “and how this made me such a burden for others”. Maybe there is objectively a lack of communication “skills” - which can always be learned progressively if that’s the case. But also, this wouldn’t make you a burden. Relationships are complex and really a challenge in itself. We all make mistakes when it’s a matter of social interactions. We all mess up with others. The problem is not rooted in you as a person. You are not less than anyone on this planet. It is, in my opinion, rooted in the beliefs you have been forced to learn about yourself, about others, about this world. Learning to identify those beliefs, more and more, takes practice but is definitely worth it.

This is what I understand/hear, based on what you shared - I might be totally wrong and I’m really sorry if I misinterpret something you said at some point.
Saying that you are a burden is already a belief that you have about yourself. And in my opinion, that is one way of how your parents behavior has been affecting you. By being trapped between this desire to be acknowledged, which is something we all need as human beings - nothing wrong with it. And this need can be more present in your life if you didn’t receive it from the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally. But also, by thinking/believing/feeling that you are a burden, that your inner life is a source of guilt and shame. When you feel guilty because of the life inside of you, it gets hard to communicate properly and to just be yourself. You can be focused on what you think others are expecting you to be, and miss the opportunity to be who you are.

In any case, feeling guilty for having an inner life makes it hard to open doors for others and help them to truly know you. It can be tempting to hide if you feel like something’s wrong with you. And I don’t say “hiding” in a literal sense. I think we can absolutely hide our self while being surrounded by people. This is the kind of strategy someone can develop through their life. You can react differently to it: for example, by investing yourself too much/forcing your way or hiding/being silent. And those are just two possibilities. There can be many others.

In other words: a tension between a need for connection, how you have learned to perceive yourself and others, and in the middle all of these questions about “how to?”/”is something wrong with me?”.

This feeling of being a burden, and all the guilt that comes with it is, in my opinion, very important. It can create a lot of walls between you and others. Even just a constant, invisible wall. Can make you feel like you’re not really part of this world. You see others lives but you feel outside of it. A bit like it’s something you don’t have the right to access to, because ultimately there’s always something wrong.

As a response to this tension, and as you said, you feel like you have to be what others want you to be. You have to be performant or to give something. Have to be “useful”, productive. In this case, what is appreciated, seen and valued is things that come out of you, but not you as an individual. Early in life, you have learned that you had to do what others expected you to do. What your parents expected you to be. You were judged for your actions. You were punished for it. It’s like trying to fit in something that’s never enough.
And I feel like, often times, when we exist through accomplishments or giving to others - because it’s the only thing we learned -, it’s easier for others to leave us when they don’t need us anymore. And so we feel useless again, only made to be used. We thought we were seen, but we didn’t. Which can be a destructive circle repeating over and over.

Though, true friendships and family are not this. It’s different. It’s made of mutual knowledge about each other, respect, and genuine care for each other (which of course doesn’t mean interacting all the time, it depends on everyone). Maybe there were a lot of walls between you and others before. Maybe some of them were genuinely not good people to you. Maybe both. The thing is to learn to distinguish what are objective facts (like what is a real “friend” or not) and your perception about a situation. And how all of this influence the way you see yourself and others.

“This is also what adds up to my general feeling - if I was gone in general, noone would really miss me. I leave no impact whatsoever, and when I am gone, I am forgotten within minutes.

Situations like this happened often, more or less intense.

I have many examples of this in my life as well. Enough at some point to feel like it’s a fatality/something that can’t be changed. Which pushed me to attempt to my life several times. Worst part in this being: people didn’t know, or noticed. And… as I understand it now, it’s that it’s a deep vulnerability that I have, which makes me more aware of when I’m not seen, probably more than people who don’t struggle with this thought, because they’re not hurting for not being acknowledged in any circumstance.

Which leads me to think that another reaction/response to this tension mentioned earlier might be to be particularly aware of how others react and what they do. Your interactions with your parents were your first (if not unique?) example of human interactions for a long time. It would make sense to feel on edge and analyze everything because you’d feel ready to be disappointed, hurt, or rejected. For example:

I did my own experiments on that earlier, where I just didn’t appear in a community for a few days or weeks, and when I reappeared, people just didn’t notice I was gone.

I hear you. I did that for a long time. Kind of mini “tests” to see if I’m actually right or wrong. And honestly, it always validated my thoughts. But most of the time, it was a matter of context. It’s like wearing a certain type of glasses. The moment you wear them, you see the world only through those. If you have this deep belief that you are invisible, that you are a burden, that people always end to forget you, then you’ll always find things in your life to justify this belief. And I’m not saying that something’s wrong with you. Not at all. Only that it makes sense in regards of what you’ve been through in your life. You’ve been shown and told that you have to expect to be hurt by others at some point. In this circumstance, it’s really logical to be more aware of all those “signs” that someone could leave you or make you feel invisible again.

In the experiment you mentioned, for example, the context matters a lot to understand if those people are interacting normally or genuinely ignoring you. Like what’s the dynamic of the community, how people usually interact, if you are close to them or not, etc., etc. There are so many elements to consider. Which can be discouraging sometimes as there’s no magic recipe when it’s a matter of relationships. But we’re only human. We’re all learning. And the beliefs you learned early in life can be unlearned to make room for healthier beliefs and perspectives.

When you start to see the beliefs you have about yourself and others, what we also call “automatic thoughts”, you can get some perspective and learn to understand how your inner world functions. The fact that you know that your own story hides some logical patterns that you’d like to understand is already a huge step. And you will understand all of this, without a doubt. But it will take some time. It will be done progressively. It’s like untangling a lot of layers of experiences, emotions, beliefs that have been piling up for a long time.

Based on what you just shared here, I believe that you could find a great value in the things I’ve been reading recently. I also think that it could be very interesting to you, if you’re curious, to learn more about some psychology principles such as attachment theory - without having to dive into academic stuff if that’s not your thing (and not the purpose either). I’ll send you a list of resources (as soon as I can) that you could use if you want to have a look at it and see if it can help you to reflect on yourself and what you’re going through.

Also, just my two cents about this:

I recall a situation where I was out with a few friends. We were at a bar and I went to toilet and had a short business related phone call. when I came back after 10 minutes everybody was gone. When I called one of them they said they didn’t realize I was even with them in the first place, and they didn’t leave me there on purpose.

Even if it wasn’t on purpose, they could also have been more observant, honestly. I mean, whether it was with you or someone else, it’s just a basic human capacity to acknowledge who you spend your time with. It wasn’t your fault - nor them. Indeed, unfortunate… but in that case it’s destructive because it nourrishes something you already feel and believe about yourself. I’m sorry that happened. For what it’s worth… I had a very similar experience once, which led me to come back home by myself because I didn’t feel like I had the right to call the person who promised to drive me back home. An infernal spiral.

[Ezra]

Thank you for your reply.

What I described is the world how I experiance it. As you said, as I see it through my glasses. I am aware that the world isn’t like I described it.

There isn’t that conspiracy in a group to lock me out. There isn’t the general wish to push me aside. It is “just” my way of experiancing it. I am totally aware of this.

Knowing that fact doesn’t make it easier, because that excuse of an conspiracy made me understand the world, giving it a cetain logic.

Being aware that this conspiracy cannot be true actually makes it harder, because I do not understand what is going on. Being invisible is a description to describe my feelings. I am not invisible, I know that. People see me, and I am sure there are people out there who also liked me, but maybe my reaction on the world as I saw it, made them distance me.

I am also aware that my paranoia that I am not wanted is (coproductive - worng word - edited) contraproductive on forming new relationships. It is a self fullfilling prophecy. I fear not to be wanted, behave being paranoid, see simple signs supporting my fear, and get the result that I am not wanted. Accordingly I behave towards others, either by being extreamly affectionate, or confronting them with the fact that they don’t want me anyway - without realizing that behavior myself. But this behavior seems creepy to the other side, strange, and so they seek distance. And the prophecy is fullfilled and my general perception is exactly how I expect it to be.

I tried to fight this paranoia, and when I didn’t get that feedback I expected, I tried to wait for it, thinking that it must be there sooner or later. The longer I waited the stronger my paranoia got.

When I was mental more stable, I did well with accepting that fact, that it just isn’t the way it is. My break down tore down all those protective walls, and even single little events make me break down, leaving me crying and wanting to end all.

In general it leads to the result (as you pointed out) that I never really learned social interaction properly on an emotional level, also because I was never shown love or affection at a time my social skills developed.

The general desire to be loved and accepted are basic needs of every human being. If they are not fullfilled as a child, there must be some damage. I need to find that damage, and either repair it, or find a work around.

[Micro]

Knowing that fact doesn’t make it easier, because that excuse of an conspiracy made me understand the world, giving it a cetain logic.

Indeed. It’s a first step. A needed one. But at the same time it destroys all the things that made sense to you until now. Just as you say, it gives a certain logic. The world as you knew it until now collapses… it’s a huge change. But you know now that there are other ways to be in this world, to perceive this world. Which is probably different than where you were years and years ago. Even if it’s vague, it gives you at least a direction. It’s a matter of discovering it now. And learning to know yourself even more.

You may not really know where you’re heading right now with all of this, but you’re definitely in a positive process. Even if it’s painful sometimes. You’ll recreate your own world of meaning, based on different truths. Truths that will truly allow you to exist. You can honestly be proud of your journey, the things you’re aware of, and the things you’re doing to change those perspectives. You have a deep sense of self-awareness - it’s a huge strength that you have. (sorry if I pointed out things that are already obvious to you btw, just learning to know each other and where you’re at in your life ).

I need to find that damage, and either repair it, or find a work around.

You will. With time, curiosity and compassion for yourself. No doubt about this. It’s a tough thing to engage yourself on a different path than the one you always knew. But you’re definitely walking on it already.

In general it leads to the result (as you pointed out) that I never really learned social interaction properly on an emotional level, also because I was never shown love or affection at a time my social skills developed.

I didn’t either. Social interactions are a huge mess and mystery to me. We’re both learning! A bit later than most people. But still. In the end, what matters is to be in this position of understanding and trying. Even if it feels sometimes like a lot of time has been wasted… If it brings us where we are today, then it wasn’t wasted. Some therapies and coping skills might be more or less useful for that - you’ll try and learn to identify what works for you or not. You got this.

[Ezra]

This whole conversation here made me reevaluate the latest conflict I had in the other community. I would like to ask you if I can describe you the situation in a DM as it would contain information I don’t want to share public, and help me reevaluate it, considering what I have described before.

[Micro]

Of course, no problem at all. Feel free to send a DM anytime.

[Ezra]

I would like all readers to know that this exchange with @Micro was a great help in developing an beginning understanding what is going on inside my head. She also has supported me to sort out the reasons I had a conflict I had with some friends, and a healing process has been started, after I was able to explain to them what was going on with me.
I deeply would like to thank her and this community, for making this possible, and I have a feeling that I made a step in a right direction.