I have BPD. Given that it’s difficult to find people who can deal with my outbursts of emotion, I try to manage it on my own. I wouldn’t say I’m successful, more of a continuous work-in-progress, but I am able to maintain a job and maintain a couple of close friends. This is already a lot for me to be thankful for considering my condition. But there is one thing I haven’t been able to address - it’s the constant feeling of emptiness, abandonment, and longing. I guess this is why people with my case turn to substance abuse. In my case, I turn to hiring escorts for sex.
For the past years, I’ve been able to establish a sort of rhythm. I would hire an escort 2 or 3x a year and that would help relieve the painful feeling of emptiness. It was working until the pandemic hit.
I live with 3 immunocompromised family members. Moving out is not an option, so I have been avoiding hiring for almost 11 months now and it’s excruciating. I’ve had thoughts of hurting myself by slicing my skin. I would rather feel physical pain to distract me from the piercing feeling of emptiness.
All the tools and practices I’ve established to keep my issues at bay are crumbling. I’ve started hurting myself by working too hard, resulting to injured nerves.
I can’t take it any longer. I’m at the point where I don’t care anymore what happens to my family if I bring in covid at home as long as I get my fix.
I’m writing in the hopes that someone would suggest anything, some tool, activity, to help me deal with this issue.
Thank you in advance.