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Sexuality and Trauma Concerns

I’m a Christian but I’m attracted to girls and have been since I was sexually and mentally abused by my narcissistic ex boyfriend. I was slightly attracted to girls before that, but not significantly. Now I almost have to convince myself to even think guys are attractive. They just don’t feel worth the risk, especially if I’m looking for a long term relationship that would potentially end up in marriage. I want to feel like being in a relationship would be safe to do, but I can’t even imagine that without feeling like it isn’t realistic.

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Hey @Dragonfly. I’m sorry to hear you were abused. It’s not right or fair that you went through that.

I don’t believe your sexuality is a choice. If you have to convince yourself to think guys are attractive, then you’re making it a choice; but if you have to choose to be straight, is it authentic?

I think God makes us the way we are, whether by birth or by trial, and that includes our sexual orientation. I also believe that if same-sex attraction was such an “abomination,” then God wouldn’t have made people that way. Why would an all-powerful and loving god make creatures he despised? It doesn’t make logical sense. I don’t believe you have to choose between your orientation and God. The God I have come to know is more understanding and loving than that.

Have you talked through this with a counselor? I’d be way out of my depth trying to give you advice on abuse trauma. What I’ll venture to say is that maybe there’s trust to be rebuilt or healing to be had with men as a whole; or maybe your broken trust in men made it clear that you were more attracted to women than you knew. That’s all messy stuff to sort out, and a counselor may be able to help walk you through it.

In the meantime, you have the rest of your life to look for a long term relationship or marriage. Don’t rush it. There will be enough time to find a partner, but this is a season for finding yourself.

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Hey @Dragonfly,

Thank you for sharing this. I wish you didn’t experience such traumatic experiences. My heart goes out to you. :hrtlegolove:

What you describe is indeed not only a matter of sexual orientation, but also of trust and safety. There’s a tangle of doubts, questions and experiences that need to be untangled so you can find some clarity. You were hurt and betrayed before in ways that should never happen to anyone. It makes sense to find it difficult to trust men, but also more generally to ask yourself these questions about your sexuality. There is a need for some restoration, first, so you can regain this power to decide and invest yourself in the relationship you want, whether it’s with a man or a woman. Feeling safe with someone is, indeed, a requirement for any relationship.

I agree wholeheartedly with @SheetMetalHead about counseling. This can be of a great help. Just because it’s hard to face those things alone. There’s a lot of possibilities in regards of your sexuality. Maybe you’ve always been attracted to women without being 100% sure. Or maybe both men and women. Maybe the abuses impacted your sexuality to the point of having no desire for men anymore. All of this is possible. And, in any case, all the questions you’re asking yourself are understandable, especially in regards of your past experiences. Even if it’s disturbing at first as it can make you feel a little lost, it’s positive to think about it. You’re processing how your traumas impacted you, which includes your sexuality.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been where you are, wondering a lot of things about my own desires and capacity to trust someone. And I know that being sexually abused certainly changed my view about sexuality - which is okay. Something that helped me, besides being on a process of healing, was to dive into some LGBTQ+ readings. It’s super interesting to live in a time when sexual orientations are discussed and explained like this. There are a lot of great resources out there. Of course, people don’t just “fit” in categories. We’re all more complex. But at least it helps to understand ourselves a little more. For example, I learned more about the distinction that some people make between sexual attraction and romantic feelings. And that makes sense to me. I’m a woman, currently living with my partner who’s a man, but I felt in love with girls when I was young. Now, I see myself close to what is called “biromantic”, which in my case implies that I can fall in love with a man or a woman, and sexual desire comes after developping a certain amount of trust and intimacy. I don’t feel what some people describe about sexual attraction, especially for someone they don’t know. It just doesn’t make sense to me personally. Maybe it won’t even be like this for my entire life. And so be it!

There are so many possibilities to love and be loved. Take your time to learn to know yourself better. And know that there’s no right/wrong way to love. Only what’s needed for you to learn to trust yourself with others again, and to live according to your own desires. There is a need for some restoration in your heart. You were hurt before. But this will never erase the possibility for you to be in a safe and loving relationship. :hrtlegolove:

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