From pharos2356: Nearly relapsed yesterday, been 6 months clean but lately I’ve just got the urge to do it. It doesn’t help that I keep an ornamental knife in my room but yeah. It’s blunt but I tried sharpening it and then put it to my leg but it was too dull, which is a good thing. My previous scars on my hand are starting to finally fade, and I don’t want them 2. I want to get a tattoo on my hand that’s a 7 because it’s a promise/reminder that I can’t relapse and I have to keep it at 7.

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From hcpingviini: Hi there! It’s understandable to feel the need to sh if you have done it before. Sh gives a rush of hormones in your system that can feel quite addicting to get back to if you’re struggling emotionally.

Do you think there’s any other ways you could express your emotions that would take away from sh? I recently got myself a drum (djembe) for whenever I feel stress or anxiety to build up and it feels so good to pour out my feelings and make noise or music at the same time.

Maybe there’s a hobby you might consider that you could start that would take some of the intrusive thoughts away as well.

You’re not alone feeling this way and your feelings are valid. Celebrate your success for sustaining for do long over your relapse as a sign that you can eventually overcome these thoughts.

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From pharos2356: My friend is starting to notice that ive been suicidal recently, they said to me “hey you’ve made a few too many jokes like that is this some kinda cry for help or are you kidding about.” I lied to them and said im fine and not to worry about me and i feel so guilty. They just want to help me but i cant let them know what im going through, they have their own stuff to worry about they shouldnt have to care about me. I hate my life atm, and talking about it just doesnt help, so why burden them with all MY problems. At the end of the day even if i do talk to some1 or them, nothing changes, my lfe stays the same, and its still shitty.

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From pharos2356: too be honest i dont even know why i post here anymore cause like i said nothings gonna change why does it matter if some stranger on the internet tells me itll get betetr

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Sometimes it just helps to let things out, also to put words on how we feel. It’s a way to not stay stuck with our thoughts, and to not deal with it just on our own. Of course, it may not change everything instantly, but it’s a practical way to take care of yourself and reduce the sense of isolation that your struggles can create. Personally, there are many times when I opened up and felt like it served nothing. But over time I realized that it was just a way to breathe, even for a couple of minutes. When each moment feels like dread, it’s okay to implement whatever positive and healthy action into your life. The things you are struggling with - the urges, the suicidal thoughts, the fear of being a burden, the feeling that nothing will ever change - these are not things you ever deserve to deal with just on your own. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for opening up and reaching out when you need it. It doesn’t bring immediate or practical answers all the time, but it’s a way to feel connected with others, and in the best case to be reminded that you matter, and that you are cared for.

If I may ask, how have you been doing since your last message here? How are you holding up these days?

From pharos2356: Sorry for the late reply, but I’ve been doing meh, not good, but not bad either. I’m starting to get better I think, and I’ve been have fewer suicidal thoughts but it’s a bit of a rolocoaster. Somedays I’ll be feeling amazing and others I don’t want to move or get out of bed or talk to anyone. Thank you for the kind words btw, they mean alot

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Thank you so much for sharing these updates, friend. It’s already amazing that you notice changes in the frequency of your suicidal thoughts. But it’s also completely understandable that not every day is a good day. I definitely have days when the only thing I want is to stay in bed under some comfortable blankets that would make me feel safe. Days when I don’t want to have to worry about anything, and simply exist.

One step at a time, okay? Healing takes time, and you definitely have a good understanding of how you feel/what your needs are at a given time, which is such a huuuuge strength that you have there. I wholeheartedly believe in you.