It’s so hard at night for me. I wrote this in my journal tonight and just felt like sharing.
I was sitting back here at my desk, just feeling this deep dark emptiness. I thought about it and decided to go see what Greg was doing. I wanted to spend time with him and have fun.
I go into the living room and he’s playing the new game he bought today on his xbox. He stopped and gave me his attention, because that’s how he is. I just said hi and asked how he liked his game. We talked about the cats and the picture I drew, but I didn’t tell him what I needed from him. I gave him a kiss and came back to my desk.
I felt like I was bothering him. He had been excited to play his game and it was complicated to get set up. I felt like a burden and didn’t want to ruin his fun. I just didn’t think I was worthy of his attention. I was ashamed to even tell him what I needed and I know he would have turned off his game and given me 100% of his attention. He would have been loving and supportive, like he always is. I’ve never once felt like he was resentful or annoyed with me.
I’m so scared that one of these days, he’s just gonna have enough and leave. I know everyone will say that’s not going to happen and I know he would be upset if he knew that’s what I was thinking. He would feel bad, I know he would.
I am a burden to everyone and that’s just what I believe sometimes.
I opened up Instagram and the first thing that popped up was a post from a personality disorder therapist’s account. It was about BPD and shame. It talked about how we feel shame more often and more intensely than others. That our brains respond as though we were in danger when we feel ashamed.
It talked about how we are twice as likely to self harm when we feel ashamed, which makes sense because its a punishment. How that every feeling is temporary - even shame. If I can wait it out without acting on it, then I can actually teach my brain how to respond differently. That over time, my brain will react less intensely to feelings of shame.
I feel like I’m constantly fighting to stay in control and its so exhausting…
I’m glad you shared this, not just because obviously it helps to get it out for you but again it gives another insight into how you feel and how maybe others with bad will feel from time to time.
I want to play the part of your friend first and say Greg loves you, when you are not in that place of feeling fear I think you know that he isn’t going anywhere, the two of you just belong together, I think the saying goes “like peas and carrots” lol I also think he has known you long enough to accept your fears and placate them. You both have found your other person and it works. Now WE just have to let your negative mind in on that.
The information on Instagram is very interesting, if that is true that the impact will lessen then that’s brilliant. I guess time really will tell.
Rosie as always I’m here for you and I love you.
Shame can be such a harmful feeling. Feeling ashamed can be far worse than it seems at first. We feel like we failed, like we are not enough, like we deserve something bad, sometimes we even feel disgusted by ourselves. There are so many hurtful feelings in just feeling ashamed. But I can truly say that the both of you are so incredibly considerate to each other that you dont have to feel that way even tho your brain tells you to. Your boyfriend would stop playing his favourite game that he was excited for in an instant just so he can make you happy and you dont want to ask that of him because you want to see him happy. You care about each other so much!!! It is beautiful.
You feel this way because you know how much he means to you and how much you mean to him. It is good to tell each other these things about how you feel. Also dont be afraid that there are going to be some roadbumps on the way. We can get angry at the best person in our lives and we so can they. They can get annoyed by us and so can we. It is just something that happends. But that does in no way mean that they dont love us or that we dont love them. We are people and people are not perfect but as long as we see where we made our mistakes and try to make them right we can overcome this. I think you and your boyfriend are so good for one another. I believe you can get through anything together. I wish you a a lot of happiness and luck.
He has been sleeping in our recliner chair for two months now because his shoulder hurts way too much for him to lay down in bed. I have been really missing him and he knows. He is having a reverse shoulder replacement prob next month, so he won’t be sleeping in our bed for prob a few more months. It’s chipping away at me.
When I walked into the room and saw him all set up with his keyboard and mouse (took him a couple days to get all that set up right) for his xbox, I felt bad. I didn’t want to bother him with something he really can’t fix anyway.
He spends so much time on me and he needs time for himself. If I had been in crisis, I would have told him because I’ve made a promise to tell him. If I went to him with everything, I would drive him insane. It wasn’t until I sat down at my desk and saw the post about shame, that I realized what was happening.