Today I shared a picture with some of my friends that shows my scars… I wanted to show them where I want to place my first tattoo, what it roughly would be like, and also why… Obviously the scars aren’t as visible as they were almost a year ago, but still it was difficult to show them a picture of it… and it’s just one of the places that will be covered up… But I still took it down after what felt like hours of being anxious and feeling like I made a huge mistake… So I also pretty much deleted it quickly… But I did share it… even if it was just for a small while…
The tattoo I want is a butterfly and rose combination, and probably with a watercolour feel behind it… The picture I shared didn’t have that completely but did show a butterfly and a flower… I don’t know why I shared this, maybe to get some feeling that I did the right thing? but then again… I was too scared to do it under my own name as well… sorry…
i am so proud of you for sharing it, and for being at the point where you’re wanting to make transform the scars into something beautiful and something that you’ll want to look at, and feel good things!
Scars carry memories, it’s literally a part of you. But I find that we never look at them with a positive spin - we survived it, we survived a difficult moment or ten when we didn’t know how else to cope. Faded scars are even more important to celebrate - it shows that we’ve learnt some other ways to cope/manage / handle things. This is why I am excited for a pretty coverup for you, and I applaud your courage to post the pic in the first place. You won’t be judged for your scars here, they show what you’ve dealt with.
You matter, you’re loved, and I’m glad you’re thinking about a lovely tattoo to help you feel good about yourself when you see the areas with the scars.
Self-love comes in many forms 
I think self-love is a very big word… and a thing I might not ever even reach… especially since I already have difficulty accepting the way I am, and the way I look. I’m not even sure if it will help… I just know that whenever I see my scars and myself… I don’t like what I see…
I know I won’t be judged for my scars here, or at least not by most… but what if I’m still judging myself for it? and what if that will never go away? no matter how pretty the coverup will be… Like I said before they are less visible than before, but… I can still see them… and I still know the why behind them… and there are so many voices in my head that tell me that “it’s not enough to be a serious issue”… logically I know it’s not true… and what if the tattoo will give me that same feeling?
I believe this:
our bodies are the companions we have on our journey. They show what we’ve been through, and they show us how we have survived.
Are all our choices in the past the healthiest? nope.
But have we made it to another day? Yup.
When we have voices inside that tell us negative things, that’s hard to change.
I’ve always wondered if positive affirmations are hard to do, if a simpler repetition of “I’m not so bad” could work. Instead of the positive versions of “i’m wonderful, i’m amazing” which is harder when we’re feeling bad, maybe a “i’m not so bad” can be a starting point.
You’ve been through a lot. And the voices we hear, the ways we cope? they’re all the ways we BEST could have coped then. When we know of better ways, then we will do those.
I do hope the tattoo helps. Maybe try this version of mental repetition to see if it can start a process that can maybe drown out the negative self-talk?
I’m still scared that people will look differently at me if they knew this… because it feels even worse then the harming itself…
I will try the smaller affirmations… I already am and some days are better than others, but then there are the days that all doubt and negativity comes back up… sorry