Back to heartsupport

She left me, and I know it’s my fault but

I use to see myself as a perfect boyfriend willing to do anything for the one I loved. I still love her, but to be honest with myself I was nothing less than a jealous asshole. I was always looking over her shoulder to see what she was doing and smothered her in the wrong way. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t always like that. I was a good man to her. I never hit her. Never had the deserve to. But I alway got angry about the dumbest things. I know that now because I don’t even remember why I was mad. I was passive aggressive about a lot and I did yell at her. I promised so many times that I would change and apologized so many times for the same things. The first couple years were great, I was able to keep jealousy at bay but it slowly crept it’s way out until it became a problem. We would talk about if things were to go bad between us we would talk about it but that day never came. She always felt more comfortable talking to friends later in the relationship than to me. But of course she didn’t want to talk to me. She was scared of negative things that I might say or possibly do. All she ever wanted to do was help me and I threw it in her face. I even deleted a friend of hers because i was scared of loosing her. But when she found out that I believe was the last straw. I was in the beginning a good man, what happened to me? Why did I do the tings i did to someone who was so good to me. I love her still and in hindsight of course I now see what I did wrong. Why didn’t I see it before? And why can’t I move on from her. No matter what I do she’s on my mind she’s here in my heart showing me the pain I gave to her. Loving someone with all your heart and wanting to make it better but knowing that you can’t because things will never change. I know I can never truly understand what she felt. But i want to. I want to be better and to make things right but it can never be. She is truly better off without me. I can’t help but feel maybe everyone is better without me. I can’t believe how I messed up my life, my love and everything so bad when I loved so much. I feel worthless and I can’t be with anyone because all I will do is hurt people I care about. Why can’t I let this go. Why am I so selfish? I don’t know the exact details when she left me because it just happened, no warning no way of fixing. No deep conversations. Nothing. I feel that if I was shown something maybe it could have been different? I hate myself for what I’ve done. And I find everyday actions hard to focus. I feel like I should give up. I feel like I can’t love again, what if I make the same mistakes and not know until it’s to late again. I can’t deal with this pain I caused. Why did I do it? Why was I like that?

3 Likes

Hey Tony. I can relate with your story, only in my case I feel I did all the bad things that both you and your girlfriend did. In your case, you were jealous, she refused to talk with you, and she cut things off without discussion. In my case, I was with my fiance for three years, I was jealous, I refused to talk, and I cut things off abruptly. With that in mind, I’d just like to share that I can relate to the pain, shame, self doubt…all of that. I still am knotted up about how I behaved and it’s been over a year since we’ve been together. I’d also like to say that not all of this seems to be on you. In the relationships I’d like to be apart of, people open up about their feelings and whats bothering them. Sounds like you bottled up your jealousy, but she was prohibitive in allowing you to talk about it. I can imagine how that didn’t help your jealousy. Furthermore, she left without word, without discussion, after years of you two being together. I did the same thing, and I feel so guilty and full of sorrow about it. It was painful for my ex, and it’s probably hurt you a lot too. Sounds like your dynamic is much more complex than everything being on you. I wish you two would have been able to talk so you could gain a better understanding of her thoughts and feelings. Sorry you’re left here in the darkness trying to sort out this mess. From what you shared, it’s not as clear to me as it is to you that this is all your fault. It looks like you both played a large role in the downfall of your relationship. It may take a long time sort out this mess, gain some understanding, and forgive yourself, but we’re here for you!

1 Like

Also, welcome to the community! I’m glad you took the time to share what’s bringing you down and find some support. You taking the courage to do this helps others as well.

1 Like

Hey, bro.I related to your story. I met my boyfriend on a dating app and he wasn’t ready for a serious at the time we met, so i pushed him away. After a few months he came back, we started to talk and he asked me to date him. I was always so jealous, this destroyed us so much. we broke up, got back together many times. He hurt me too, with his words. I still care about him, but I believe he is better way off without me.
I think your pain will go away at some point. It is hard to let go of feelings, but it is the best things we can do. I still have my ex on social media, even though he does not talk to me. He was my first boyfriend and i was his first girlfriend.
I think you just need things let go, you know. Some things take time.
If you have the chance to talk to her again, ask for forgiveness and then just let go.
Things will get adjusted some time.

Cheers,
Van

2 Likes

Thank you for sharing, she was very hysterical in the end. At first she said “I think we need a break” but I told her I know what that means that it’s basically over that she Told me that she wanted to kill herself because of how she felt when she was with me. Maybe she did feel that way. I can only imagine that she felt trapped. Like there was no way out. A couple months later I did talk to her in a call and she said she couldn’t love me like she used to. I assume that she was trying to date someone and felt guilty but I really don’t know. She really did a lot for me out of love so I don’t know where this came from. Later I was only in contact through email and at first we were civil and I asked for closure. But later in The emails she flipped out on me saying that “she didn’t want to feel pressured to talk to me.” That was the last I Heard from her. I told her “ok you don’t have to worry about that because I will never message you again” I do hope that she is happier with her life I know that she was under a lot of stress with everything going on, college, a family that always like to put her down. Stuff like that. I didn’t make it any easier being the way I was. I really didn’t value her or show her the appreciation she deserved. I wish I could talk to her today to truly apologize and let her know I just want to fully understand. But I feel that she will always see me as a jealous selfish person. I just want to make what I can right. I know we will never be together again or even be friends I just wanted real closure so moving forward would be easier. I know it wasn’t all bad she even said it, i would have liked to know where i went wrong.

1 Like

she wanted to kill herself because of how she felt when she was with me

Oh my gosh. That’s a terrible, inconsiderate thing to tell someone. I’m so sorry :frowning:

I’m so sad to hear what you’ve gone through with her. I read the rest of your message. Jeeze! That must hurt so bad :cry: I just want you to know that from my perspective, it looks like so many people have different ways of behaving and talking. I think if you were dating someone else, she may have said and done something totally different. She may have been okay with closure and not left you so hurtfully. I tell you this because I can really relate to feeling like everything is my fault. It’s just not good for you and it’s not good for the rest of the world. You have a lot of love to give and if you beat yourself up you’re not helping anyone. It seems she did some very hurtful things. I’m guessing there’s more to the story than you’re sharing too, even things that you’ve forgotten or didn’t pick up on. It’s probable you were no shining example of perfect behavior either, but that’s not the point. The point is that it seems clear that this is not even close to all your fault. Much of your pain seems to have come from her, and has nothing to do with how good or lovable of a person you are. I know you want to apologize, but I think she has a lot to apologize for too. I just don’t want you feeling like this is all your fault. It takes two to tango. She messed up a lot too.

For myself, this woman who I dated for 3 years put nearly all blame on me. I’m like a sponge, I took it all. I felt everything was my fault, I’m so malleable. I was the scapegoat and let her and her family nail me to a cross, and even through more nails into myself. Yes, I did a lot of inconsiderate hurtful things. It pains me and makes me cry to this day. But I was in a relationship of two, and she wasn’t perfect either, I was hurt by several things she said and did but I never peeped about it. I just felt everything was my fault. It wasn’t though.

Thank you for sharing more of your story. I’m sorry it took me so long to get back. I have been in a different head space and I wish I could have been here to reply sooner.

1 Like

Thank you for listening and taking the time to tell me your story. I can honestly say that talking about this and Your story has helped me with the pain in my heart. I am not alone.

1 Like

I don’t think I can ever completely let go of the feeling I hold. But I am truly trying to see the light. “Sometimes darkness can show you the light” - The Light
Disturbed

I know how you feel. I wasn’t a jealous person or insecure but because of the long distance relationship I had with my ex fiancee and because of other people our relationship ended. She left me because she thought I was cheating on her which wasn’t true but because of her low esteem she chose to believe lies. It’s been 4 years and I was finally able to let her go, forgive her and move on. I hope you can find peace within yourself.

2 Likes

I hope that some day this pain I hold in my heart for her will ease, That I can truly let go and be at peace with myself. Thank you for your kindness and reading my story. I know that it will take time to heal. with this community, I am not alone in this. The light has been shown to me and I will accept its gift of hope and healing.

Hi Tony,

Nobody is perfect. We all have our vices. While you can’t change the past (none of us can), you now have a good idea of what you did wrong in that relationship. And when you know better, you do better. Going forward, do that.

You sound like a great guy and I wish you the best of luck.

Beth

1 Like

Thank you Beth I am doing my best to let go, I still have my good days and my very bad days. I am trying to focus my energy on my future so that way I may move on I appreciate your kind words and taking the time to read my story and I hope that I can find peace within my heart so that way I can create a better future for me and learn to love again

1 Like

And, I’d like to add: Judging from your last sentence, it sounds like you’re already on the right path, because you mention the future and the fact that you can learn to love again. I try to tell myself “this too shall pass” when I’m having a bad day or have issues that seems immeasurable. And you know what I have found to be so WONDERFUL? Years ago, I had several really stressful bad things going on in my life (I do not remember what they were), but at the time, I sure did know what they were and it SUCKED! Guess what? Not only did those things go away, change, or not happen, but today, I have totally forgotten what they were. That gave me great reassurance that things I think are horrible now, will most likely be forgotten about, down the road. Not always, but most always! :slight_smile:

1 Like