She promised me we would fight together, that we would do life together, and that we would never leave. She promised that she would always be by my side, no matter what, and that she wouldn’t hurt me. We made a promise that neither of us would do anything that would take us away from each other… She broke all of those promises and turned my life upside down all in one night.
I torture myself reading through all the messages we sent each other over the years because I can’t bring myself to delete her number. I read back over those promises she made to me, and all the times that she talked me through my suicidal thoughts. She did that for me so many times, and yet the one time she needed me, I wasn’t there. If only I had taken that damn phone call, she might still be here today.
It’s been a little over a year since she took her life, and I still feel so lost without her. I loved her so much, more than I’ve ever loved anyone. She was my family, my sister and now she’s gone. I know that she’s in a place where she’s no longer suffering and that honestly makes me jealous, because I have to keep living, even when I don’t want to anymore, with all of this pain.
I don’t know how much more of life I can take. I’m starting to lose faith in everything and everyone. I’m starting to question just how much the people who say they care about me, truly actually care. Questioning whether I even want to get better. Wondering what I’m even fighting for anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just screaming and no one wants to hear me. I cry out for help, but in the end, it’s just attention-seeking.
I can sit here and list people who I know love and care for me, yet when I think about her, it gets so hard to remember that there are other people who care about me. I just need something, anything, to remind me that I’m not alone and that those other people on that list are here too… but with everyone on that list being in different countries, it’s difficult to have that reminder, and I know it’s not fair on those people that I feel this way because they deserve so much better.
Maybe I should just end it. I could be with Katie and I wouldn’t have to hurt anyone else. No more pain and suffering, and no more burdening people with my shit. The few people who spend their energy on me would be able to spend their energy on people who actually want to heal and get better. Then again, maybe I’m not in a place to be making these decisions for myself. Who knows?
