She's always at the back of my head

[mildewmadness]

Known her for 10 years.

She was a mutual friend and I liked her from the get go. Went to gatherings more just so I could see her. I was attached then. So it stayed that way. Just attraction. Nothing else.

Time passed and an opportunity came up to work with her. Not closely just in the same company and it consumed me. I felt elated when I saw her and out interactions grew. Still I did not act on it. Felt it was the right thing to do, so I broke up with my ex as I couldn’t stand the guilt of my mind being constantly flashed images of someone else.

Took some time off, changed my job and tried to move on but she was always in the background. Some announcement and gathering of some sort and there she was. She was there and I liked it. Her presence, her smile, our interations were friendly and felt like she saw me.

With a different job, our interactions became less frequent but it was like a drug. Eventually I thought it wore off and when she got married, I gave them my blessing and thought that was it.

Then I got married and thought it was the nail in the coffin.

Then something huge happened. She had to leave the country as her husband was moved outstation for work. We had a gathering as usual. Food, drinks, the whole enchilada… then came the parting.

It was a hug like never before. Time stood still. Lights went out. We took each other in. Deeply.
I allowed myself to take her in. Her warmth, her form, her smell, the weight of her on me. It felt different. It was different.

Then we parted and her smiley face muttered a “take care” and I stuttered an “all the best”, mildly stunned and somewhat glad of the interaction. Maybe I was overthinking this interaction.

After the party, we walked towards our car which was parked coincidentally close. It felt like a slow march to the end. The walk was quite and there were tensed moments. Our footsteps were screaming. Punctuating the silence.

Then as we reached the vehicle, I popped the question. Just needed to know what happened between us all those years ago. Just needed to know through the ambiguity, cut to the chase, and there we talked. Flipped every page of the life we had with each other and affirmed what was felt but not acted on those many many years ago.

We shook hands, we held hands. I did not want to let go. We did not let go. We hugged. We kissed. Like it was in the books. Searing my soul and drowning my senses, I drowned.

But that was that. It ebbed slowly, we held hands, held on, and then reality set in. The world resumed its spin and we were flung back into reality and our goodbyes sealed our lips.

I want to move on. But I couldn’t. I thought I could but it won’t let me.

five years since and it visits me from time to time. Details fresh and vivid. Guilt that follows cut me to shreds. I let myself water it down with drink and company, and it peters out till the next time that glowing ember fizzes to life.

I yearn for closure. Over a monumental regret, the mounting guilt, the endless vacuous dreamscapes that cloud my way. It felt like an appendage I need to severe but which I would miss the use of.

[jbro]

Hey man, thank you for opening up this pain point, as that can’t be easy. Struggling with this over that length of time can be demoralizing.

I noticed you mentioned both the desire for closure and the guilt you have in particular at the end there, and wanted to ask if you could clarify where/what you’re feeling that guilt over the most? And then as for the closure you’re seeking, would closure/transparency with your wife on this matter seem to be helpful or worse in your mind at this point? (Or if you have sought that, have you found it helpful or detrimental thus far?)

It’s possible that working through particularly where you have the desire for closure and the deep feelings of guilt can point you in the direction of where you can most sharply focus in on the area you may need the most particular wisdom and discretion in order to go forward. In other words, untangling your heart and head on 1) where closure is most needed and 2) where the guilt lies most can possibly give you deeper clarity on how to go forward; and therapy or counseling could possibly be a means by which you can be helped to sort it out, but that’s ultimately your choice at the end of the day too!

Thank you again for sharing this, we’re glad you’re here brother

[ThriceTheThird]

Hey mildewmadness

Thank you for sharing what you are going through with us. I agree with a lot of what J bro said. I’m sorry that you have not found the closure you want from this situation. Not having closure to something is a feeling that has always been a heavy one for me. But the more I have grown in self love and self respect, and grown away from my co-dependancy. The less I have needed closure from others.

It sounds like these thoughts and feelings being suppressed are not bringing healthy thoughts and feelings into your life. So it might be good to share these feelings in person with someone you trust, and in time with any party you feel it effects. This is one of the reasons sometimes people like to have therapists. They prefer to tell things to someone who isn’t in their direct social life to get help, because they would prefer their loved ones not know.

Either way. You are in a tough situation, and should not feel guilty for any of the feelings you are feeling. But do have to weigh the costs and benefits of any decisions you decide to make. <3 Feel free to share more if you need.

[EvilGenius]

Hi there, @mildewmadness

A very warm welcome to HeartSupport too, since this is your first time posting. I hope you enjoy your time here!

I want you to know that I’ve read your story with empathy and understanding. It’s clear that you’ve been through a journey of emotions and experiences that have left a lasting impact on you. It’s okay to feel the way you do, and it’s natural to yearn for closure when you’re carrying the weight of such a monumental regret and guilt.

First and foremost, please be kind to yourself. We all make choices in life, and sometimes they lead us down unexpected paths. You followed your heart, and while it may not have turned out the way you hoped, it’s a testament to the depth of your emotions and your capacity to care deeply for someone.

Closure can be a challenging thing to achieve, especially when it involves complex emotions from the past. Perhaps consider reaching out to the person involved, if circumstances allow it, and have an open and honest conversation about your feelings. It may help both of you find some resolution or understanding.

In the meantime, it’s important to focus on self-care. Try not to let guilt consume you. Instead, use it as a stepping stone for personal growth. Seek support from friends, family, or even a therapist if you feel it would be helpful. Remember that time can heal wounds, and as you continue to grow and evolve, the intensity of these feelings may lessen.

Ultimately, you are not alone in carrying regrets or lingering feelings from the past. What matters most is how you choose to move forward, learn from your experiences, and find happiness and contentment in the present and future. You deserve peace and closure, and I hope you find it in time.

Keep your head up! 🫶🏻

[mildewmadness]

Thanks man.

Closure to not revisit this. I feel myself coming back and wishing it were another reality and then I yank myself away cos I know it isn’t. I will not involve my wife, she would be left unharmed. I’d rather be the one hurt.

Is it bad of me to even think of an alternate ending… what it might have been ?

It has been a while since i posted, sometimes, I’d just reference this point as the zenith, or an ultimate point, like a flame that died at it’s hottest.